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“If you calm down, I’ll tell you.”
“Don’t fucking patronise me, Xeno,” I snap, forcing myself to look at him.
He watches me carefully, his bottle-green eyes glinting like cut glass. The shards deep enough to cut. He always knew how to make me bleed, this is no different. Without even saying a word he hurts me, and I’m done with it.
“Tell me where the fuck I am!” I shout, my hands grabbing hold of the beige sofa behind me, a fine-knit throw chucked across it. My fingers curl into it and I have the urge to pick it up and wrap it around my shoulders. This place is luxurious, homely, warm, but I just feel cold, afraid, uncertain. I let go of the material. “Did you think that bringing me here would lull me into a false sense of security? That I would lower my guard because I hadn’t just woken up in some dingy cellar somewhere tied to a fucking bed? Did you assume that I would relax because there are photos of happy, smiling people I don’t recognise lined up across that fireplace?” Even the familiar smell of coffee feels like a trap. My eyes track across the kitchen countertop behind him where four mugs are sitting, heat rising.
“No, that isn’t what I thought, but if you want, I can take you to a fucking basement and tie you to a bed if that would make you fucking listen to me!” he snaps back, forcing me to look at him once more.
“I bet you’d like that wouldn’t you, huh? I’d bet you’d like me at your mercy. ”
He growls at that. A deep rumble rising up his throat. “You have no idea what you’re saying.”
“No? Then why are you looking at me that way? Why do I get the feeling that you’re a second away from proving me right, that I’mnotsafe? That I’llneverbe safe with you.”
Xeno sucks in a breath through his teeth as he takes another step closer. “Because Iloveyou that’s why,” he roars. His fingers curl into a fist as he thumps his chest. It makes me jump a little at the ferocity of it. “Tiny, I fuckingloveyou.”
His voice is gravelly, coarse, as though saying those words is difficult, agonising. I guess I have to agree because they’re just as painful to hear. My stupid treasonous heart squeezes inside my chest, and my body sways towards him. It would be so easy to walk into his arms, but self-preservation kicks in and I listen to my head instead this time.
“Love me?” I scoff. “Don’t tell me that you love me after what you did.”
He scrapes a hand over his face. “I did it to keep yousafe,” he repeats, firmly, without an ounce of apology or regret. He widens his stance as though he expects my anger to turn physical, like he’s preparing for it. “You were in danger, Pen, and you can bet your arse that I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“Tell me something I don’t already know,Xeno.” I hiss, my stupid fucking heart hating that he’s stopped calling me Tiny. “When have Inotbeen in danger? I’ve spent my whole life as a target for people who want to hurt me.Youincluded. You could’ve fucking warned me about this sudden danger. You could’ve called me and told me something was up. You could have told one of the others if you didn’t want to speak to me. I spilled my guts to you, Xeno. I trusted you with my truth and youdisappearedwithout a word and with no fucking explanation.” He opens his mouth to respond, but I hold my hand up preventing him from speaking. “Then you turned up out of the blue anddancedwith me. You gave mehopethat we could fix us, only to do what you did. You. Hurt. Me.”
He flinches. “I deserve that. I deserve your mistrust and your anger but there wasn’t time to explain. I thought…” His voice trails off as he looks away, a sudden shame burning his cheeks. I know what he’s thinking, and I’d laugh if I wasn’t so angry.
“You thought that by dancing with me it would cancel out what youthendid? That I’d be so fucking grateful that you finally deemed me worthy of dancing with that I’d forgive you for knocking me out?”
“No, that’s not what I thought. I wasn’t trying to soften you up, so you’d forgive me the second you woke up. I’m used to making hard decisions, Pen. The fact of the matter is, I wasn’tsupposedto do anything until the lights went out. I was supposed to wait, but I let my fucking emotions get the better of me. You were so fucking beautiful, so powerful up on that stage. I was fucking entranced, drawn to you like a motherfucking moth to a flame. Before I knew what I was doing, I was holding you in my arms. IthoughtI’d be strong enough to keep myself in check, but I couldn’t fight it anymore. I couldn’t fucking fight it anymore, Tiny.”
“Couldn’t fight what?”
“Yourpull. Jesus fucking Christ! Don’t you get it. I’ve been battling for years now,” he exclaims, pulling at his hair as though the truth is too much to bear. Maybe it is. Maybe that’s always been the problem. I make him feel things he never wanted to feel. Love shouldn’t be this difficult, should it? Only between us, it is. It always has been.
“Why fight it?” I whisper. It’s a question he doesn’t hear, or if he does, he can’t answer right now. I've never understood why he’s always held back. Nothing is any clearer now that he’s admitted his love for me. It doesn’t make me feel any better knowing that he loves me.
“Even before when we were kids, I fought against my need to have you until the others persuaded me to giveusa chance. I did that, then you ran off, and I felt my whole fucking world give way. Everything went to shit because of—”
“Me?” I interrupt, feeling as though he’s just stabbed that fucking needle straight into my heart and pumped a syringe of air into me, the organ ready to burst under the pressure. I need to get away from him. It’s suddenly hard to breathe. “Unbelievable. I’m fucking out of here,” I say, choking on the words. Spinning on my feet, I head towards a set of stairs that appear to lead downwards and hopefully to the exit. I’m torn up inside. His words make me want to both hold him and slap him. I don’t know what the fuck to do, or where the fuck I am, but I don’t give a shit. I want out. I will fight him to get out of wherever the hell I am.
I don’t get very far.
Xeno grabs my arm and spins me around, hauling me up against him roughly. My hands press against his chest automatically and I can feel the frantic thump of his heart beneath my palms. Raising my hand, I slap him hard against his cheek, the biting sting on my palm doing nothing to tame the anger I feel.
Heat flares in his gaze and his grip tightens. Despite his bruising touch, I can’t help but remember how it felt to finally dance with him. How perfect we moved together. Howrightit was. This anger between us now feels wrong and yet, I can’t stop feeling this way. I swallow hard and square my shoulders, pushing off his chest and straining against his hold as my fingers curl into fists, scrunching his t-shirt in my palms. He won’t let me go though. He slides one arm around my back whilst the other clasps the back of my head. Tugging on my hair, he urges me to look up at him. Our gazes clash, my heated one crashing against the sizzling passion in his.
“You’ve got it wrong. Everything went to shit because ofme. I’m not blaming you,” he says through gritted teeth.
“Let me go, Xeno!”
“No!” he responds, almost manic. “Not until you understand. You weren't responsible for how we’ve turned out. We used you as an excuse to fall deeper into the Skins, but you were right all along, Tiny. We had one foot in the crew way before that night. No one is to blame for that apart from our-motherfucking-selves.”
Narrowing my eyes at him, I refuse to acknowledge the dark circles beneath his eyes or the haggard way he looks. I refuse to see the concern written plainly across his face, or thelove. Because what kind of person disappears for a week after you empty your soul, dances with you as though you’re the only person that truly fits—thenhurts you that way? Xeno flinches, and it’s only then I realise I actually said that last part out loud.
“I had to do it, and I would do it again. I willnotapologise for that.” He proclaims, dropping his gaze from my eyes to my lips. His mouth parts, and for a second I swear he’s going to kiss me. I’m almost ninety-five percent sure I don’t want him to. The other five percent is ruled by my heart, which is currently begging me to lean in and press my mouth against his. “You were in danger, Pen.”
I bark out a laugh, trying not to allow myself to be affected by the fact that he’s referring to me as Pen once again. It’s as though he’s having an internal battle within himself to keep me at arm’s length, by calling me Pen, or hold me close and never let go and calling me Tiny. Given the torn up look in his eyes I’m not certain which side of him is winning. “Yeah, from you!” Pushing at his chest, I force him away. This time he lets me go as his attention focuses on something behind me.Someone.
“You weren’t in danger from Xeno, Penelope.”
