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Grabbing two twenty dollar bills out of my wallet, I place them on the table before heading for the door. I look up and catch Lily storming through the restaurant toward the bathroom. Before I can even think about the fact that I am in a public place, and people could very well see me, I follow her.
Luckily, the bathroom is all the way in the back, and there is a hallway leading to it, so by the time I’m in front of the women’s restroom door, no one in the diner can see me. I open the door and find Lily huddled over the sink, splashing water onto her face.
“What’s wrong with you?” I ask as if I have no idea what’s bothering her.
She turns off the water and straightens up. Pulling out two pieces of paper towel, she starts to dry off her face with her back turned to me. “Thanks for the books,” she murmurs, ignoring my question.
This is about the books? Yeah, I don’t believe that.
“Surely you aren’t acting like this because I sent you books?”
With her back still toward me, she dries her hands or at least pretends to. I wait another moment before I’ve had enough. The need to see her face overwhelms me. Closing the distance between us, I grab her upper arms, twisting her around, so she’s forced to look at me. Anger and defiance swirl in her icy orbs. She’s not just angry, she’s on the verge of exploding. Red hot jealousy is swirling just beneath the surface.
“Is she better than me because you can be seen with her in public? You wouldn’t have to hide her, or your feelings for her.” It feels like I’ve been slapped again. Her words sting, but more than that, I feel like an asshole seeing the hurt overtaking her beautiful features.
All I want to do is take her into my arms, and tell her she has nothing to worry about, that I don’t care about Laura. I want to tell her how much she means to me, and that I can’t stop thinking about her. But I can’t. I won’t. I might not want Laura, but I couldn’t be seen with Lily in public. If I were to ever have any kind of relationship with her, she could never be more than my dirty little secret, and she is worth so much more than that. I can’t do that to her. So, I do the only thing I can think of. I lie. It’ll be easier if she thinks I’m with Laura. It’ll be easier if I push her away.
“Yes, that’s exactly why I’m with her because I would never want to be seen anywhere with you. You’re a risk that I can’t and won’t take.” I’m lying through my teeth, but it’s this, or we keep dancing around each other. A never-ending merry-go-round of feelings we can never give in to. Her pretty blue eyes mist over before she wiggles out of my hold and pushes against my chest. Shoving me away with all her strength, she runs out of the bathroom, leaving nothing behind but her faint scent. I could’ve stopped her. I could’ve told her I didn’t mean anything that I just said. That I was lying, but what’s the point?
I can never have her… never and leading her on, making her believe otherwise, it’s not fair, it’s not fair at all, and I refuse to do that to her. To myself.
I don’t know why but after, the encounter with Lily in the diner the other day, I thought that I would feel better. I thought maybe if I pushed her away, crushed every chance of ever having her, I’d start to get over her.
Pfft. That would be the case if I lived in a perfect world. I was wrong. Things seem to have gotten worse instead of better. Before she was a hunger I could sedate with a look or even an indecent thought, but now there’s no calming the desire pulsing through me. I want her. It’s like the temptation of getting caught, of risking it all only heightens my need for her.
Every moment of my day is spent trying not to think about her. A tension headache has taken up residence in my skull and doesn’t have plans of leaving any time soon. Why the hell is this so hard? Doesn’t my body get that I can’t be with her? Is my brain the only rational part of me? Maybe sleeping with someone that isn’t a student is what I need to finally get over her. I’m probably just pent up with need since I haven’t had sex in like… way too long.
That’s all this is… an itch to scratch, I’ll feel better once I’ve screwed someone else… Idiot. I’m a damn idiot. Sleeping with someone else isn’t going to fix this. If anything, it’ll only complicate things. The mere thought of anyone but Lily beneath me makes me shudder.
