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Dexter
Ihave trusted Holly in order to gain her trust and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. Telling her my most private story is something I have never told anyone but Ryder in my life. My staff know parts of it – the parts I want them to know but Holly, she deserves the full story because I am putting my heart on the line to gain her trust. In doing so, I am expecting hers in return and if any part of this story gets out, I will know where it came from.
But she wants more, she’s not fooled and now I must open up another part of my soul to her which doesn’t make sense to me. Why am I trusting this woman with my darkest secret – for sex? For control, to keep her to break her. I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking right now and am definitely not in the right frame of mind to discuss my organization. She can’t know about that, so I fabricate the truth a little and just say firmly, “I told you, I am the news and I make it what I want it to be to suit my purposes. You should know that first hand.”
She still looks confused and I stare her straight in the eye and say with determination. “I want you to trust me, to know that I have your best interests at heart and in opening up to you, I want you to see why I’m this way. How can I ever lead a normal life as much as I would love nothing more? I surround myself with a select group of people who I trust with my life. I employ them which means I control them to a point. Do they seem unhappy to you, do I treat them well and can they leave when they want to? Yes, to all of the above and what I’m offering you is on the same terms. I can give you the world, Holly - everything you want but it has to be on my terms. We can negotiate the details to suit but you have to know that I want you in my life but it must be this way.”
She appears to think about my words and as I sip the cool champagne, I see a life stretching out before me that seems like an impossible dream. Can I have it all, can we negotiate everything I want into this contract? Possibly, but will it ever be enough?
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I need to know and she says sadly, “What if I want it all, sir? What if I want the dream?”
“What is your dream?”
“I want to be happy.”
“And.”
“To be loved, to be free and to be able to live my life with someone who loves me back. Like Maisy and Jason. I want that. Equals and in love, not a business deal with the words written with my soul.”
Thinking of my next sentence extremely carefully, I set down my glass and lean forward, staring her in the eyes.
“Don’t we all want that, Holly? Don’t you think I want that too? To be free of the past and at peace. Telling you my darkest secret was a huge step for me and one I never thought would ever be heard. When I left you earlier, I hated what happened. The thought of you leaving me and my reaction to that. That told me I need to practise what I preach and earn your trust, not demand it. I was asking something of you I wasn’t prepared to reciprocate and telling you about Phoebe is the hardest thing I have ever done. Maybe over time the edges will soften and fade but it won’t happen if I’m alone. I can’t promise you more than what I have but surely it’s a start. I want this to work because when I found you, something checked a box in my head and it felt right. Fucked-up I know but it feels to me as if you are meant to be here. I want to show you my world and I want to be a part of yours but I’m a dominant, Holly and I can’t change that. It’s how I cope with life. I need to control it because when I lost control, the most important person in my life died. If you choose to leave, I won’t stop you. This has to be your choice but it has to be on my terms, negotiable, of course.”
The look on her face fills me with a mixture of fear and excitement because this could go either way because it’s obvious she’s tempted. Just the yearning in her eyes and the wild look in them tells me she is so perfect for me. Yet she’s conflicted because she’s a strong woman and giving control to me is against everything she stands for, which is what excites me the most. I like to break a stallion and she is no different. It’s all about control with me and yet sitting behind that is a deep need to be loved and to love in my own sick and twisted way.
She shakes her head sadly and says a little hesitantly, “I’m sorry to say this, sir but from where I’m sitting, I see your past differently.”
I stare at her long and hard as she says sadly, “It was that act of control that meant you lost it. We don’t always have that power, no matter how much we want to, because people have their own minds; their own plan of action and that is what’s so sad about your whole situation. I’m not saying you were wrong to do what you did, hell, I would have done the same. You weren’t to know what you were dealing with so don’t blame yourself for something you could never have controlled and in trying to wrap up your life in the same way, it will only end badly.”
I’m hating every word out of her mouth right now because she is throwing everything back in my face and deservedly so.
“Don’t you think I know that, Holly.” I sigh heavily.
“That I caused it and my actions signed my sister’s death warrant. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t regret what I did, wished I’d approached things differently, anything but what happened. It’s my cross to bear and it will never leave me, so I have to control that side of me that acts impulsively and with actions clouded by emotion. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
Her voice sounds husky and doesn’t fit the response I was expecting and I look up in surprise.
“Yes what, Holly?”
I’m actually shocked when she sets her glass down and stands and walks toward me slowly and deliberately.
Kneeling before me, she takes my own glass and sets it on the side and takes my hands and then holding them to her heart she says breathlessly, “Yes, I’ll agree to your terms on one condition.”
“Which is?”
I hold my breath as I wait for the deal breaker and she whispers, “You never make me feel like I’m beneath you. If we do this, we do it as equals and I will give it my best shot.”
“No emotion.”
I hate myself for how dead my voice sounds and she smiles sadly. “If that’s what makes you happy, sir, no emotion but just for the record, I think you feel a lot of emotion that you choose to ignore. Maybe you don’t even realize it but you have a lot to give. Not materially speaking but emotionally. So, if I have to feel enough for the both of us, I will. But the minute you break my rule and make me feel cheap and used, I walk away. Understood?”
Tipping her beautiful face toward me, I smile into her gorgeous eyes. “Understood.”
For some reason my heart feels light and as if a weight has shifted and as I pull her up and onto my lap, I kiss Holly Bryant with a soft passion that feels good. Cementing a depraved deal that could ruin us both but somehow seems the right thing to do. Trust and control go hand in hand in my book and I won’t break her trust in me but I intend on controlling the hell out of this woman and she is soon going to learn how amazing that can be.
