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“What the hell is their problem?” I call out. “Because I am gonna make it my problem if I don’t have two well-behaved assholes apologizing to my lady friend within three seconds!” I snap out.
“These two boys got into a fight over an ex-girlfriend/current girlfriend—depending on who you are asking—and she is no longer in the café after they began carrying on like baboons,” Levi says, giving me the rundown.
I catch the hotheads giving each other sneers and death stares. No love lost here.
Keanu watches over my shoulder. “Looks like I need to be calling the fuzz and getting you two boys charged because nobody seems to be adhering to the massive hint to get their hormonal asses over here with their best apologies in hand. And then, if you are smart, you can march your asses out the front door and in different directions. You two used to be best friends. Don’t let a woman come between you. If she’s worth it, you need to sort your differences out. IF she’s playing you both against each other, then maybe she’s not worth either of your time.” Keanu pulls out his phone, stands up, hesitates, crouches down again, and says, “Honey, you can trust Tucker to sit with you until you are sure you can get vertical.”
She lowers the frozen peas from her swollen eye. Blood starts dribbling down her face. Her bruise is coloring while the egg, which looks more like a fat pork sausage under the skin, has risen like a soufflé, making me impatient to get her checked over.
I place the cloth over her wound, clasp her elbow and raise it so the bag of peas is back over her eye.
“Okay, enough of me talking, time for action.” Keanu stands. “I’m making the call to the POOOLICE,” he says, raising his voice at the end for emphasis because the guys are still being stubborn, waiting for the other dumbass to cave first.
That’s it!
I place an opened bottle of water within Hamlet’s reach. “I’m saying this super nicely, Hamlet, butpleasestay down when I get up.” I gently squeeze her shoulder, concerned for the trauma to her head. “Can you manage to pour water on your brea—I mean chest while holding those peas on your forehead? I need to attend to asshole one and two?”
“Of course,” she says confidently, not fighting me, which is at least something.
I touch Hamlet’s hand to reassure her I am coming back.
Zap!
I snap my fingers back. “Sorry about that.” Although I’m not sure what I am sorry for exactly.
“Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not my first rodeo. I’ve had a few bang-ups over the years. I’ll be fine without you chaperoning me but thank you for assisting me.” Her initial dazed and confused is wearing off to get replaced by an innocent look I don’t altogether trust.
I stand up, ready to seek out my prey, but out of the corner of my eye, I see Hamlet start to move. I whirl back around. “Please, for the love of bubble butts across the country, could you stay horizontal until I get back?”
“Did you just say ‘bubble butts’?” There is a smile trying to leak out of the corners of her delectable mouth. I stay silent because that slipped out accidentally. She sighs. “I was only going to move enough to rearrange the towels on either side of me to stop the floor from getting slippery,” she informs me.
I throw my hands in the air because she’s going to do what she wants, no matter what I say. Then I stalk like a hunter seeking out his prey over to where the boys have their standoff.
I don’t hesitate to yank each of their shoulders by their clothing, dragging them from Levi and Happy’s grip, and smack their heads together. Not hard enough to cause injury, but hard enough to get my message across.
I get right up in their personal space. “Idiot-one and Idiot-two, you are going to apologize.” My voice has dropped to a deadly serious tone. I am talking in a grit-my-teeth I’m-not-above-threatening-you-two-dicks manner. “I don’t give a shit which one of you is in the wrong, but I’m guessing the jealous dick who missed out on the girl the first time round is causing the trouble. My lady friend has gotten scalded by hot coffee, and she hit her head hard because both of you got into it without caring for anybody’s safety. Do what needs to get done now because you don’t want to piss me off any more than I already am. Your female has left the building. If she has any sense, she won’t date either of you. Is she worth ruining your friendship over?” Two sets of eyes look sideways at me, no longer interested in winning the who-can-outlast-the-other-dick trophy. “Levi and Happy will escort you off the premises afterward and do not go near each other, ever again, unless you can be civilized. Nowgo!” I release them and return to Hamlet’s side.
The café has gone quiet. You could hear a toothpickplinkif it hit the floor.
Keanu looks down at the ground and chuckles to himself before looking up again.
The boys apologize and are escorted off the premises with their tails between their legs.
It’s then the café customers relax, and the regular noise returns. Hamlet is no longer the star attraction.
I trust Levi and Happy have a handle on any creeper photos. I’m reluctant to move Hamlet, but I also don’t want footage all over YouTube because millennials can be sneaky little fuckers when they want to be.
“Now, what would you like to do, Hamlet, with your current situation?” I keep a lid on the protective side of me, wanting to take charge. I can see that won’t work with this one.
“If you could get me a chair, I would feel better. Sitting on the floor like an invalid is not my thing. I’ll be on my way with a coffee and food in a moment.”I don’t think so.She reads the determination on my face. Well, that lasted all of three seconds, me playing it her way. “I just bonked my head on the counter. That’s. All.”
“How is your chest feeling, now? And be honest.”
“My chest will be okay by the morning.” I cross my arms and raise both eyebrows as though telling her to spill the truth. She lets out an impatient sigh. “Okay, it burns, but it is much better thanks to the water, but I can’t keep pouring it over myself for another ten minutes.”
“Keanu is there a place out the back I can take Hamlet for privacy in case somebody has a phone we aren’t aware of, and I can get more water onto her chest?”
“Here!” Happy is walking back inside the café. He removes a chain around his neck with a key on it and underarms it to Keanu, who slides it over his head. “Retro, the owner won’t mind. There is a bathtub upstairs, pretty lady. You can sit in it and run water over your chest in private. It should reduce the pain a lot more.” He gives Hamlet a big smile.
