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“You’re upset, and I get it.”
“You don’t. Tell me again exactly what makes you who you are.”
“What do you mean?” There was a fear in his eyes, and she hated herself for causing it.
“Tell me what your principles are. The code you live by. The core of who you are.”
“You already know.”
“Tell me again.” She leaned the back of her head against the wall and looked at him through her blur of tears.
“I’m loyal. My family means everything to me. That’s why I’m here. My brothers and the women they love need help, so I’ll do that. I fight for them and what they’re building. I want to be a part of the work they do and the people they save.”
“I know,” she sniffled. “And how do you feel about people who hurt others? Or betray their family? How do you feel when someone is a rat? That’s like a cardinal sin where you are from, right?”
“It is,” he admitted, swallowing hard. “If you go down, you don’t take anyone else with you. Especially to save your own ass.”
“I did that,” she sniffled as she banged her hand into her chest. “I ratted out my family. Sent some of them to jail. They always knew I wasn’t one of them. I see the world as right and wrong, and I put that above my own family. Try to care about me now that you know that.” It wasn’t meant to be a test of how he felt about her, but if it were, he’d have failed.
Nick’s expression faltered. He winced as he contemplated the question. “I don’t know the circumstances,” he choked out.
“It doesn’t matter. You’ve built your life on being this faithful and unwavering member of something bigger than yourself. Even now, everyone you love makes their decisions based on their steadfast belief in the strength of family over anything else. Right?”
“We do,” he said, a pained expression crawling across his face. “But...”
“There is no but. That’s how that works, right? It’s how it always worked in my family. You’d lie and cheat and steal to protect each other. You’d fight and hide to keep the secrets they created. And I had a big family. Somehow, I was the only one who struggled to be loyal. To put the good of the bloodline above what I believed to be right.”
“Tell me what happened,” he pleaded, reaching for her hand, but she pulled away. “I want to understand.”
“The point is, you won’t. I can’t be the kind of person who fits into your world. I’ve failed at it too many times before. I know we feel something for each other, and we’re caught up in that. But there would be a moment, a crisis of conscience that would tear us apart. I’m not waiting around for it. I can’t. I’m going to call Layla and get everything set up for Portland. You can handle things here. You’re plenty competent.”
“No,” he shook his head. “I need you here.”
“You don’t.”
“I want you here. We can talk this through.” He jammed his hand into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “This is your brother’s address. He lives two hours from here. We can go talk to him. Things are never as bad as they seem after some time has passed.”
She stared at the paper and then looked back up at him. “You shouldn’t have done that. I can’t go see him. Didn’t you hear Florence? I’ll never get what I’m looking for from them.”
“And she also said it didn’t have to be about that. You can say your piece and still get something from that.”
“Look me in the eye,” she begged, wiping the trail of tears off her cheeks. “Tell me right now that if one of your brothers sold you out or sold out your parents, you would forgive them. Or you’d want them in your life at all.”
“I— well, if the—” he stumbled to find some sort of compromise, but that was the point. There wouldn’t be one. That wasn’t how his mind worked.
“Nick, I respect you and everything you’ve done for your family. All that you do for each other. It’s admirable, and I can tell by the way you all interact there is a lot of love there. Count yourself lucky. It’s different for me, and I have to move on now. I can’t stay in this place and fall even harder for you. You’ll always want to know who I was and why my past is so complicated. It’ll grow between us like weeds and vines until it chokes out all the good stuff. I can’t wait around and watch that happen.”
“I don’t want you to go,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion. “I feel like we could figure this all out.”
“It was going to end anyway.” She shrugged. “I was going to Portland. It’s not like we were going to make some long-distance thing work.”
“I’d have followed you to the moon,” he said, earnestly starting to crumble now. “Anywhere.”
“That’s not true. You belong in Boston with your family. Have those dinners together. Babies being born. Weddings. Holidays. You are a family man. I am someone who can live without that. I can pick up and move wherever I need to and never look back. That’s not you, and it’s not going to be. I know it’s a cliché, but we really are too different to ever make this work.”
“That’s bullshit,” Nick said. “You don’t get to make that choice for me. I know who I am. Yes, my family is important, but Portland isn’t forever, and I can travel whenever I want. You can come to those weddings. You can be a part of our family if you can’t be a part of your own.”
It was tempting. There was an allure to his words. The tiny bit of hope that maybe he was right. Was there room in another family where there hadn’t been in hers? She shook her head, dislodging the idea.
