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“And then what?” Nick asked and she saw him gulp back some emotion.
“That’s not really in my purview. I’m sure as a family they can make the right decisions about how to move forward.”
“And you’re off to Portland?”
“Once I hear from Layla.” She folded her hands neatly and rested them in her lap. There would be no ambiguity if he should reach over and try to hold her hand.
“We should drive to your brother’s.”
“Are you crazy?” Her chest tightened. “He doesn’t want to see me, and I’m trying to be fine with that.”
“Screw him,” Nick said, his voice suddenly sharp. “You are a good person and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. Trust me, I might not have had you long, but I know it’s true. If you go to Portland alone, you’re going to stay that way.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“Not because you aren’t able to be with someone but because you keep telling yourself that’s all you deserve. And the only way that is going to change is if you go face the people who wrongfully convinced you of that. Even if he still thinks you’re shitty for what you did, you get to look him in the eye and tell him otherwise.”
“I think that’s the problem, Nick. I think I’m shitty for what I did too.”
“Tell me what really happened.”
“It won’t change anything.”
“Fine, then why not tell me. I think the real reason you don’t want to tell me is because you’re afraid I’ll still care about you. I’ll tell you that you’ve spent all this time hating yourself and you don’t have to. You’re not afraid I’ll think less of you. You’re worried I’ll see you completely and still want you.”
“That’s insane,” she sputtered out, but the words were tumbling down on her like rocks from the sky.
“Cleo, you were so sure we couldn’t even be sitting here right now. That the second I knew enough about your past I’d feel differently about you. But I’m right here. Maybe your family couldn’t see your worth, but I can. I’m sorry they shut you out and made you spend all these years alone. But you aren’t alone anymore.”
“My brother, my twin brother, said he hated me. He never wanted to see me again. And he meant it. We were carted away into foster care. Taken from everything we’ve ever known. Before they drove us off in different cars, he told me I was the vilest traitor to walk the earth and I didn’t deserve a family. Bo was my best friend and he hates me.”
“I’m sorry you went through that.”
“My father disowned me. Very publicly. My mother got sick in jail and her medical treatment was subpar. The price she paid for that was her vision. I had four siblings. All of them were taken to foster care. Split up. And when my mother got out of jail two years later, she collected each of them to come home except me. They went back to living the same life they had been and I was nothing more than a bad memory for them. A terrible story they’d tell around the dinner table.”
“I can’t even imagine what that felt like for you.”
“It felt like a fair punishment. I testified against my father. It was my first time in a courtroom and I actually felt excited. I’d watched so many shows about court and finally I was in there. I was important. I could picture myself as the lawyer I wanted to be.”
“What were your parents charged with?”
“My mother was charged with reckless endangerment and other things related to neglecting us. For my father it was illegal sale of weapons and drug charges.”
“Those are serious issues, Cleo. Things that people should go to jail for.”
“You’d help your brothers,” she cut back as the tears started to fall faster than she could catch them.
“It sounds like you were a child.”
“I knew better. I’d grown up in the same house as all my siblings. I understood the code we were supposed to live by. There were tricks of the trade and ways to stay safe and out of trouble. They lived by that but I chose not to. And I knew what I was doing.”
“The situation sounds complicated.”
“If you talk to any of them, it was quite simple.”
“The past is the past,” Nick countered. “You did what you had to do back then. You’re an adult now. You can make more informed choices. This doesn’t have to be some cross you bear for the rest of your life.”
“It’s not that easy. I was a part of my family for fourteen years. Entrenched in everything they did. We moved as one and my father tried to instill this pack mentality in us. You were never alone when you were a Gossage. But then suddenly I was. Alone. Every single member of that family has berated me. Blamed me. Openly wished harm on me. The people I was closest to pushed me the farthest away. I’m not going to come back from that. I don’t even think I deserve to.”
