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“How was the drive back?” he asks.
“Long and uncomfortable.”
I guess we’re doing the small talk.
“And the facility treated you well?”
“It was fine.” Wanting to make amends for the things I said to him, I blurt, “I remember patches from my episode. The rest is hazy, but I want to apologise for the crazy things I said.”
“There’s no need for you to apologise. I’m just glad you’re feeling better.” He holds my gaze, looking serious. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“For what?”
“I should’ve done better by you.”
“Cas, I wasn’t well…”
“I failed you. I can make you all the promises in the world, but I think it’s time for action.” He points over to the empty land sprawling before us and asks, “What do you see?”
“Nothing.” There’s nothing but endless grass and trees.
“I see the future. Imagine houses, a number of them, with a high wall all around.”
“For the brothers?”
“And their families. You’d never be alone again.”
Is he saying he’d build a small community of houses for me, just so I could be surrounded by my family? My heart swells, and I have to force down the urge to cry.
“It seems like a huge task to take on.”
“It would be, but in the end, it’d be worth it.”
“Would you live here?”
He takes a moment to answer. “Yeah, it’s home. Always has been, always will be.”
I look out, picturing his vision, and I can see it. I see brothers and old ladies with their kids, all living here. Houses that are homes. The club truly being one big family.
“My episode… while I had no control over it, it was based on real fears I have. It terrifies me to let you in completely just to lose you. I have to get over it, I know, but sometimes it’s like I can feel the loss already and it sucks me in.”
“I get it, but that’s life, Harper. Lana feels the same whenever me or the boys leave the house. Bonnie’s the same with Sparky and JJ. I feel the same when Leo or Luca, you or Lana, are anywhere without me. We all fear losing loved ones. It’s how we protect that dissipates the fear.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I wish it were. There was a brother who was the closest thing I had to a dad. His name was Oak. I’ve probably told you about him before. He was taken, beaten, and eventually shot dead. Because of him, I had a place in this world, and when he died, a part of me went with him. It took time, but I slowly became myself again, but not fully. Not until I found out you were my daughter. Both times I’m left with regrets of not helping sooner.”
I’m not sure if he’s helping or not.
“Fear should drive us, not push us down.”
That helps. It makes sense to me. I’m reminded that fear on different levels has driven me all my life.
“Don’t be afraid to live, sweetheart. If you believe one thing I say, believe you don’t have to be scared anymore. I’m here. You can rely on me.”
“Jay’s been the only one I’ve ever truly trusted. He’s stuck by me through all the highs, lows, and crazies. I depend on him far too much to be considered healthy, but I’m good with that. I do trust you, Cas. Just not as much as I should.”
“We can work with that. It’s not like I’ve done much to earn it. I’m sure Jay told you we’re still on lockdown, so we’ll have plenty of time to start fresh… if that’s what you want?”
