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The doctor and technicians left the room and Jill and Andrew were left alone. She didn’t know what to say to Andrew so she pulled a chair closer to where Rev slept and rested her head on him, listening to him breathe.
After what seemed like a very long time, she whispered, “Thank you,” to Andrew but couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
She wanted to ask how he had been. If he was hurting as much as she’d been hurting for the last two weeks. If he missed her as much as she missed him. If breathing and getting through the day from one minute to the next was as hard for him as it was for her.
He stiffened when she spoke and she held her breath, waiting for a response. She would give anything to be with him, but she couldn’t be with him knowing he didn’t love her the way she loved him.
“I’ll wait outside. Take your time, I have phone calls to make.” He stood and walked out of the exam room and Jill wept into Rev’s coat.
The fear she had felt during Rev’s seizure, combined with the torment of being so close to Andrew but not being able to reach out and have him hold her was more than Jill could handle.
When the vet tech came back twenty minutes later, she had gotten herself somewhat under control but it must have been obvious she’d been crying.
The poor woman tried to assure Jill that Rev was going to be okay now, but that made Jill start crying again. She was relieved Rev would be okay, but Jill knew it would be a long time before she would recover from her broken heart.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Andrew stepped out into the lobby and looked down at his phone. He had said he had phone calls to make but that wasn’t true. He just couldn’t be in the same room with Jill without pulling her into his arms and holding her.
He knew if he did that, he might break down. His anger at her was slipping away and in its place was a pain so great, he thought it would swallow him whole.
As the anger subsided, he had to admit what he’d known under the surface all along: Jill was nothing like Blair and she would never hurt him the way Blair had.
When Jill left him, she hadn’t been motivated by greed or malice. She was just frightened and he couldn’t be angry with her for that any longer. It had just been easier for Andrew to hold onto hate and anger instead of feeling the sorrow he felt at losing the woman he loved.
He dropped into a chair in the lobby, his forearms resting on his thighs and his head hanging down. Being close to Jill again was harder than he ever would have imagined.
He wanted to shake her and tell her they belonged together. He imagined if he could tell Jill he loved her, it would all be better. They could go back to the way things should be.
But he knew he couldn’t. Not when he knew she couldn’t love him back – that she didn’t even believe in love. That she wouldn’t want to hear those words.
Thirty minutes later, she came down the hall. “I just have to pay the bill and then we can go. They got him moved into the overnight area.” She sounded so quiet and sad, it tore at Andrew’s heart.
“Okay,” was all he could think to say. He clenched his hands by his side to keep from pulling her into his arms and kept himself planted firmly in the seat to keep from going to her.
Twenty minutes later, they were pulling up in front of her front door. He handed her the keys then turned woodenly to walk back to his grandmother’s house.
“Andrew.”
He took a deep breath to steel himself, then slowly turned to face Jill.
“I need to tell you why I can’t marry you. I owe you that much.” She looked so sad and alone standing on her front steps. Her arms wrapped around her waist, clinging to herself as if trying to hold herself together.
He watched her, waiting, but didn’t say anything. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move as his senses went on high alert.
She seemed to struggle for a minute before she spoke. “After Jake left, I realized how one-sided things were. How much I had loved Jake… But I honestly don’t think he ever loved me. He said he did but it wasn’t there. I know that now.”
Andrew watched Jill as she blinked back tears and held herself tighter as she talked. He knew every word was costing her. Every word caused her pain and as much as he wanted to hate her, he couldn’t. Her pain gutted him.
“I thought I would be okay with the penalty clause, that I would feel secure and know you wouldn’t…” Her voice broke and the tears streamed down her face but she continued.
It tore at his heart to see her in such pain… His arms ached to hold her, but he was frozen to the spot. Watching, waiting.
“I fell in love with you, Andrew,” she said quietly, tears flowing freely now. “I didn’t mean to, but I did and then I realized if we went ahead with the marriage, I would be right back where I started. I would be in a marriage where only one of us was in love and the other was staying for the wrong reasons. I couldn’t be with you, knowing you would only be there to avoid losing your money. And I couldn’t be married to you knowing you weren’t as in love with me as I am with you. I didn’t mean to lead you on or make you mad or anything. I’m so sorry. I just… I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
She bent at the waist, sobbing, as though she couldn’t breathe from the pain.
He couldn’t move as he processed what Jill said. What it meant for them.
