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Logan turned and grinned at Zach, the man who’d been his best friend growing up. He knew if anyone understood the odd feeling he had, surrounded by friends on a Saturday afternoon, it was Zach.
And surreal was right. Unreal. So far away from where he’d spent the last twelve years of his life. Zach had served overseas a long time ago. A much shorter stint than Logan’s, but he understood. He knew what it was like to try to come home. To try to be normal again.
As he watched the others across the room, part of him envied their ability to make a home, a family. To bring children into this world. As much as a piece of him craved just that, he had to wonder if it was right to bring children into this world. A world that had shown him unspeakable cruelty.
He envied them their innocence in that. The blind ability to see only what they knew, here in front of them. Then his eyes turned to Chad, who held his young daughter above him. He tossed her up in the air, bringing squeals forth with each toss. Chad had seen what Logan had. He knew the evil the world bred, and he’d chosen to have a child.
“Something like that,” he said in answer to Zach. Surreal was right.
“You hanging in there?” Zach asked.
Logan grunted a response. It was as close as the two of them would get to talking about their feelings.
“How’s Sutton? You like it there?”
“Sure,” Logan said, raising the beer in his hand to his lips. He’d been nursing the same one for an hour now. If he knew nothing else, he’d instinctively known, if he let himself seek the numbness a bottle could bring him, he wouldn’t come back up. He’d been careful not to allow himself that solace.
“What’s not to like? It’s a great company. Good people.” Logan nodded to the group across the room, trying not to note that Sam’s eyes had crossed to him more than a few times.
Everyone else seemed to be content to let him stay on the far side of things. He knew her head was probably trying to calculate some precise measurement of time before intervening, balancing all the factors to know when to step in and try to lure him into the group.
He had a feeling she’d been studying even more about trauma, since she seemed pretty damned sure he needed help. Not that he could argue with her. He didn’t question that he had post-traumatic stress injury. He just didn’t know what the hell to do with that information.
“They are,” Zach said, and Logan thought he was about to say more, but the screech from a baby monitor on a nearby table interrupted him.
Logan’s body stilled, tense as he shifted into autopilot. His mind instantly processed the noise, eyes checking his surroundings before his brain gave the all clear. But not fast enough, or subtly enough.
Logan willed his breathing back to normal, but his heart rate was another story. His body just didn’t seem willing to come back down from fight-or-flight mode nowadays. And the toll was starting to wear on him.
Zach had seen that.
His friend’s voice was quiet as he spoke, talking more into the glass he raised to his lips than to Logan.
“You still seeing someone? Getting some help with being back?”
Logan’s lips thinned as he shook his head once. “Not since the hospital.”
Both men kept their eyes on the group across the room as Jack reentered, holding little Maddie, fresh from her nap. The way she scowled at everyone and reached for her mom was almost comical. Apparently, she wasn’t one for company first thing after her nap.
Zach took a long swallow and Logan knew he was measuring his response. “Think it might help?” he asked.
Logan grunted. “You obviously do.”
“Well, it’s that or head out to the monastery.”
Logan laughed out loud at that. That was Zach’s thing. He’d gone all Zen-like when he returned, going off to chant with the monks or some shit like that. Not exactly Logan’s thing.
“If you don’t want to use the VA services, I’m sure your health insurance would cover it.”
Logan nodded and smiled at Zach. “Yeah, I’ll call.”
What else could he say?
The fact he had insurance to cover something none of the other guys who’d come back with him were getting was just one more thing to piss him off. He needed to get out of there before the anger took over. Before it blinded him and ruined this party for everyone.
He should be grateful. He was lucky to have what others didn’t. Instead, it fueled his anger in ways he couldn’t explain.
Rage scratched his skin and raked his bones.
