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Personally, I didn’t know if I’d be able to speak in front of all these people. What I had to say, my goodbye to Binx, was private and something I felt didn’t need to be a public spectacle. Not that there was anything wrong with this way of doing things, because there wasn’t. Binx deserved all the love, and if this was what the others needed in order to be able to say their goodbyes to him, then I was here for it.
Maybe they needed us to do this together. What the hell did I know?
Dash stepped up beside the stone, and Romero didn’t hesitate to step up beside his son and wrap his arm around his shoulders. When they stood there, shoulder to shoulder like that, leaning on each other, I felt ashamed of myself for my earlier thoughts about being upset that Romero got to be here when Binx didn’t. For fuck’s sake, Dash needed his dad here with him more than anything. I needed to banish those horrible, selfish thoughts and never ever allow myself to think them again. No one could ever know I thought of them in the first place.
Dash cleared his throat, and Romero leaned in closer and laid the side of his head on his son’s shoulder. Seeing them together actually settled something in my soul but didn’t heal the crack in my heart.
Only time would help mend that. At least I thought that was how it worked.
“For the longest time, Binx was the only source of joy in my life. In a home where violence and abuse were the everyday normal, I’m sure you can understand what it meant to me as a little boy to have someone that was my own who was loyal and brought me happiness every single day. When I found out my dad had sent him to me and why…” His words choked off with emotion, and I watched him visibly struggle to find the right words.
The problem was there were no exact right words in this moment and never would be.
“I loved him, and he was made to love me. The only person he ever loved more than me was Ariel, and that made perfect sense to me. And, well, everyone else, he sort of…”
Both the twins laughed.
“He was a terror,” Abel said through his laughter.
“A mean little shit with multiple personalities,” Addison added.
“We loved him. Mischief and mayhem are always things we can get behind, and Binx rocked both of them.”
Everyone else had something to say after that, but I didn’t really hear them. My brain fogged over, and my vision went blurry.
I had no idea how long I stood there and zoned out, but it must have been a good long while because all of a sudden, I was standing there with only Quinton beside me.
He squeezed my shoulder gently to get my attention. I was glad he didn’t try to smile at me. “You take all the time you need, baby.”
I nodded once before my eyes dropped back down to Binx’s stone.
“Will you do me a favor?” I whispered.
“Always. Just ask it of me and you’ll have it.”
Isat on the grass with a notebook open in front of me with a pen on the blank page. Quinton had gone into the house and got them for me while I’d gotten comfortable on the grass.
I wasn’t quite ready to leave Binx’s spot just yet. Not until I got out my proper goodbye. Which was what the pen and paper were for, but I kept stalling, waiting for the right words to come to me.
It took a while, and when the words finally came, they flowed right out of me. Along with the tears.
My dearest Binx,
I’ve never had to do something like this before, say goodbye to someone I loved. I’m not quite sure I know exactly how to do it now or if I’m even going to be able to do it properly.
All I know is that for you, I’m willing to try.
Though, there’s a really big part of me that just wants to sayfuck itand never say goodbye. Like, if I never actually say the words, then you can’t really be gone, right?
Or is that stupid? I guess it kind of is.
Whatever, I guess it doesn’t even really matter.
I’m going to miss you, my Binxy boo. So, so very much. I hope you’re in a better place, but I don’t know. Recently, I died, and before I came back, there was nothing but darkness, and I have no memory of what happened while I was there. I hate the thought of you being in the dark with absolutely nothing. I hate the thought of you just being gone.
I feel like you took a piece of my heart with you that I’ll never ever be able to get back.
The tears made it impossible to continue, so I tore the page out of the notebook and folded it up carefully. I placed it inside the magical box that I’d been given for my birthday. I didn’t want anyone else ever being able to read my private thoughts.
