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“Mmhmm.”
Pausing, Lila worked through different possibilities of what she could talk about then. There was only one thing Lila could think of that would get Heidi this worked up when it had to do with work. “Did you get triggered?”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t imagine how hard that must be for you, to be in that line of work and see the things you see while having experienced what you have.”
“You have no idea what I’ve experienced.” Heidi got defensive.
“I don’t. You’re right. But in some ways, I don’t need to. I love working at the hospital, don’t get me wrong, but I see what happens behind the doors and the curtains sometimes, and even that—” she blew out a whistle “—even that can affect me sometimes. You’re right in the thick of it.”
“I suppose.”
“NoI supposeabout it, Heidi. You are. How do you deal with it?”
“Oh…um…I don’t know.”
Lila rubbed her thigh with her palm as she closed her eyes and focused on Heidi’s voice. “I doubt that. You know something. What is the first thing you do?”
Heidi choked. “When I get home, I cry.”
“After you can’t hide from it anymore, when you can’t put it off because you’re free to feel?”
“Yeah.”
“I get that. I cry too, sometimes.”
“You do?”
“I do.” Lila’s lips hinted at a smile. “And then I cry a lot. Sometimes I take a shower that is way too hot for my own good, or I sleep a lot.”
“You get triggered?”
“Of course I do.” Lila paused, not quite sure why Heidi would think she’d be exempt from that. “It depends on the day. Sometimes it’s a smell or a word or even just photos of kids being taken.”
“Ah. This was something very similar to what I experienced.”
Lila hissed. “That’s so tough. I’m sorry you’re going through that. But I’m glad you answered the phone for me.”
“Me too,” Heidi whispered. “I mean that. I didn’t think…I’m glad I met you.”
“Why’s that?”
“I didn’t think what it would mean to find someone who had been through something so similar to me.”
“I have a feeling our experiences of abuse and assault are vastly different.”
“Yeah but…my partner hasn’t been through anything like this, and while she’s seen it—”
“It’s not the same,” Lila interrupted. “I know that. I’ve been with people who are innocent of assault and those who aren’t, and in some ways it does make it easier, and in other ways—well, it makes it harder. Too much trauma colliding.”
Heidi hummed. “I guess. I have to go back into work today.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, to the hospital, actually. Kid is still there.”
“Oh, Heidi. No one else can go for you?” Lila’s heart broke. If this was how Heidi was acting now before she’d have to put herself into that situation again, she couldn’t imagine what she’d be like when she got home the next time. She wished she could be there for her, but at the very least, she knew Heidi had a partner who would be home to take care of her. That was, after all, what partners were for.
