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“That’s nothing to feel guilty about, you know. You have to do what you’re comfortable with.”
“But I want to be comfortable with it. That’s the thing.” Heidi’s cheeks tinged pink.
“Do you?” Lila pushed. If she could get a real answer, it would mean they could work toward something, maybe push some of the boundaries Heidi came with.
“I do. I’ve never told anyone that.” Heidi looked embarrassed.
“Not even your partner?”
“No. Never.”
“Why not?”
“Didn’t think about it, honestly. I suppose it’s something she’d be interested in. She’s far more into sex than I am.”
Lila chuckled. “You just want to be cuddled and held, don’t you?”
“Yes.” Heidi smiled. “I really do.”
“Well, I can do that.”
“But I also want more,” Heidi confessed. “I know it sounds weird to say that, but I do want more. I want to be able to be free and without the burden of my trauma every time I have sex with someone.”
“Hmm.” Lila took a long sip from her drink. “I’m going to assume you’ve tried alcohol and other things to get you going.”
“Once on other things. That was…unpleasant. Alcohol helps, sometimes. If I’m in the right mood. God, why am I even telling you this?” Heidi covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.
“Why wouldn’t you? I’m a safe person, Heidi. I hope you know that. I’m not going to tell anyone anything of what you share with me. Ever. Please trust me on that.”
Heidi nodded, her dark eyes locking onto Lila’s. “I do trust you. Isn’t that weird? We barely know each other.”
“I told you once. It’s shared trauma. We both know what it’s like to have that very basic trust ripped from us, to never have that essential aspect of trust our parents are supposed to give us. It takes years of relearning our own defense mechanisms in order to overcome that.”
“I think you’ve accomplished it.”
“Most of the time, but not all of the time.” Lila gave her a wan smile. “I still struggle with my trauma.”
“Doesn’t seem like it.”
“Trust me. I do. But if you did want to try something, say tonight, something that would be new and exciting and different, what would it be?” Lila focused on her drink, curious as to what Heidi might say. She kept their fingers locked together to lend the support and comfort Heidi might need.
Heidi sighed. “I honestly have no idea.”
“Think about it and let me know. Maybe we can try it out.”
“Sure.” Heidi finished her first beer and ordered a second.
They spent the next hour and a half talking and laughing, drinking and eating. After their third drink, Lila put an end to it. They both needed to drive home and be safe about it, especially with how pitch black it got at night there. As they left the bar, thirty minutes later, Lila kept Heidi’s hand in hers as they walked toward Heidi’s car.
She stopped and leaned in to give Heidi a kiss on the cheek, but Heidi moved, making their lips align. Lila groaned as the kiss deepened and she fell into Heidi’s body, pushing her against the car. Heidi wrapped her arms around Lila’s back and held her tightly, parting her lips and tugging Lila impossibly close.
“Get in the car with me,” Heidi muttered.
“For what?” Lila answered.
“Don’t know.”
Lila pulled back slightly, canting her head to the side. “Tell me what you want.”
