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“Because it’s how I always think.” Ann’s words were filled with anger, but if Heidi stared at her long enough, she was sure she’d once again be greeted with shame.
“You always think I want to hurt you?”
Ann shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. Lila moved in, clasping her hand in a stand of silent support. Heidi waited, biding her time as Ann collected her thoughts. The fire crackled at the back of the room as they each sat in silence.
“I always believe you don’t love me.”
Heidi’s face dropped and cold rushed through her. She wanted to deny it. She wanted to scream and shout about how untrue that statement was. She did love Ann, desperately loved her. But that wasn’t what Ann had said. She’d saidbelieve.Ann didn’tbelieveshe was loved. That was a terrible heartache and position for someone to be in.
Opening her heart, Heidi scooted closer on the couch and touched Ann’s thigh gently. “Why is it you struggle to believe me?”
Ann shook her head as tears spilled down her cheeks, falling off her chin. She gripped Lila’s hand tightly but that was the only move she made. Heidi flicked a glance to Lila, hoping there would be some kind of assistance, but Lila held up a finger in a sign for Heidi to wait it out. Heidi heard nothing but Ann’s sobs as she drew in deep breaths to try and calm herself. It was a good five minutes before she spoke again, and Heidi was ready to listen.
“You know my parents,” Ann whispered, accusation in every word. “I’m not even sure they love me.”
Heidi’s lips parted in surprise. She’d thought the same thing for years, but Ann had never admitted it out loud. It was why Heidi hated going to their house, why she despised their visits. They never left Ann the same person she had been, and Heidi hated listening to them tear her down.
“My heart hurts so much to hear you say that,” Heidi whispered.
Ann moved immediately from Lila’s grasp and into Heidi’s arms. Heidi rubbed circles into her back, up and down, held her for as long as Ann would allow. She sent sad glances to Lila who eventually moved into Ann’s other side and held her as well.
When they were all calm, and Ann far more herself, Heidi relaxed into the couch cushion with a cup of tea at her fingers.
“Heidi needs to share,” Lila stated.
Heidi turned sharply to look Lila straight in the eye. That had been the last thing she expected to hear from Lila, or anyone for that matter. No one had ever really cared what she thought or felt before. Lila sent her a challenging look. “I don’t even know what to share.”
“Anything,” Lila answered. “You’ve said you don’t share enough, now is your chance. That’s why we’re all here, right?”
That challenging look was back.
Cursing under her breath, Heidi held her mug tightly like it was her only lifeline. Her mind spun every which way. She could say so many things that would make Ann feel loved in that moment, that would de-escalate the drama about her parents. But that wasn’t the purpose.
With a deep breath, Heidi said the only words that came to her mind. “I’m lonely.”
“How are you lonely? You’re constantly with someone,” Ann stated.
Lila smacked her lightly on the arm with the back of her hand and nodded at Heidi. “Shut up and listen.”
Ann rustled her shoulders, her face pinching as she fought with herself to keep quiet and listen. Heidi had rarely ever seen that look on her.
“Go ahead, Heidi.” Lila’s look was encouraging.
“I’m lonely. I know I tell you that all the time, Ann, but I’m not sure you know how deep that runs.”
“I guess I don’t,” Ann whispered.
“I haven’t let anyone in, ever. I let people go only so deep and then I put a stop to it, but there’s something about you, something that keeps me coming back. I don’t want that distance with you. I want you to know every part of me, the good, the bad, the ugly. I know you can make me feel not so alone.”
Ann had tears in her eyes again, but this time for an entirely different reason. Her dark eyes wavered as she stared dumbfounded at Heidi. Lila had the same look, too. Heidi supposed it was a confession for both of them, because yes, she’d done the exact same with Lila. It was more than surface level, but she never shared what she was truly feeling with either of them. Hell, half the time she wasn’t even sure what she felt. She was just too good at reading people and turning the conversation back on them in order to protect herself.
“I never want you to feel alone.”
“I know I’m not.” Heidi wiped at her damp cheeks. “But at the same time I am, and it’s my own fault really. I don’t let you in. I don’t tell you things. I keep you at an arm’s length, and still you’ve never once tried to walk away from me. That should mean something, right?”
“It does.” Ann touched Heidi’s arm. “I love you. That’s what it means.”
“I know.” Heidi sniffled. “I know it does, and I love you, too. Both of you.”
