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“Interesting, so I was right.”
“Right about what?”
Heidi grinned. “Lila has had all this therapy, good therapy, but it doesn’t leave us unscarred, Ann. And—”
“I know that. I’m not so obtuse as to not know that.”
“Right, sorry.” Heidi tensed her hand on Ann’s. “Lila is so good at coming off as put together, but she’s scared.”
“I know,” Ann muttered. “She’s scared of love in the way you run toward it but are scared of sex.”
Heidi squinted. “I amnotscared of sex.”
“You’re right, that was the wrong way to phrase that. You’re scared of letting go of control when it comes to sex.”
Heidi moved her arms to cross them, glaring all the while at Ann. She debated whether Ann was right or wrong. Either way, she wasn’t super fond of that assessment. “Lila is scared of love.”
“Okay, change the subject for a minute, but we’re coming back to this one. Yes, Lila is scared of love. The one person who was supposed to love her unconditionally is the one who hurt her.”
“I get that,” Heidi mumbled.
“Yes, but you didn’t have it great from the beginning. She did. She had it switch from normal to abusive. You started with abusive and continued with abusive. You never had love ruined like she did.”
“Tainted.”
“Sure, but that’s your word not mine.” Ann sent her a sharp look. “Now can we go back to you being scared to lose control?”
“Fine.” Heidi pouted. “I don’t know why you think that’s news to me. I like control.”
Ann giggled. “Yes, you do. I guess so long as you recognize it.”
“Makes it harder,” Heidi whispered, staring at her feet and not daring to look at Ann. She wasn’t so sure she wanted to have this conversation.
“Makes what harder?”
“Getting off.”
“Oh.” Ann covered Heidi’s clasped hands. “Look at me a second.”
It took her more than thirty seconds to turn her head and calm her breathing. She’d never admitted that to anyone before. It wasn’t that she couldn’t find the point of orgasm, but it was more difficult when she intuitively resisted even when she didn’t want to. Old habits and self-protections were very difficult to let go of.
“You know you’re safe with me, yes?”
“You are my safe place,” Heidi’s words were so quiet. “You always have been.”
“Then trust that I will take care of you, no matter what.”
The words “I do” were on the top of her tongue, but she couldn’t form them. She wanted so badly to trust Ann in that way, to allow her to take complete control of everything, but she wasn’t sure she could do it.
“I want to,” she said instead.
“I guess that will suffice for now.” Ann went quiet. “As for Lila, she struggles with the same, you know. It’s not so different for her, just a different issue. For her to love someone fully would be to give up that control.”
“When did you get so insightful?”
“I pay attention, Heidi. I always have.” Ann had a tone of offense underlying every word.
Heidi hadn’t meant to make her feel awful about it, or like she didn’t think Ann listened to her. She knew Ann listened, it was just that sometimes Ann didn’t hear, and more often than not, Heidi didn’t explain in a way Ann could understand. That was more the issue than either of them trying not listen.
