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“Taylor Swift!” A.J. yells. Then he looks at Tad. “With Mommy, we listen to Taylor Swift all the time.”
Tad’s lips pull into a flat line. “Because your mother doesn’t care—”
“Boys,” I say loudly, “Uncle Luke is inside making pizza. Why don’t you go in and help him?”
“Cool. Bye, Dad!” A.J. runs inside, but Alex doesn’t move. I squat down so I’m eye-level with him and give him one more tight squeeze and then a kiss on the cheek. “Go inside and see Uncle Luke. He’s waiting for you to help him make the pizza. I bet he even has some pepperoni set aside for you to eat.”
Alex wipes his eyes and nods, then looks back at his father. Without a word, he walks inside.
I pull the door closed and turn my ire on Tad. “I know it wasn’t just a song. Tell me what happened.”
“He’s sensitive over nothing. I told him he couldn’t listen to the song and to pick different music. He said he liked that song—it meant something special to him.” I know what song it was. It wasNever Grow Up. It’s a song I’ve always sung to the boys. When they were little, I’d sing it to them before bed. As they’ve gotten older, I mostly sing it when they’re sick or upset. But if it happens to come on, we all usually stop what we’re doing and listen to the song. I give them big hugs. It’s our special thing. Alex is definitely the more sensitive of the two boys—he’s a lot like me. I’m not surprised that upset him.
“Anyway,” Tad continues, “later, we were gonna watch a football game, but he didn’t want to. He was excited about some movie and thought we could watch it. I don’t know, I told him I didn’t like it. It was about some robot. It sounded nerdy. A.J. didn’t care either way. I decided for everyone that we’d watch football, that way—”
“You’d get what you wanted? Then what?”
“He grabbed a book instead. I told him it was rude to read instead of watch with us, so I took his book away. He started crying like that and said I didn’t like him.”
“And what did you say?”
I already know the answer. And I’m reminding myself that I’m an adult and if I beat the hell out of him, I could get arrested.
“That I don’t like him very much when all he does is sit around and cry and read instead of—”
“That’s enough. Seriously! That shit is enough! Keep that toxic masculinityboys have to be boysbullshit to yourself. Leave it at the door. He can like what he likes and be who he wants to be as long as he isn’t hurting anyone. I swear to God, Tad, if something like this happens again, I will file for full custody. My kid coming home crying because you treat him like shit is not okay.”
He laughs. He actually fucking laughs. “Please. You’re gonna file for full custody? Don’t you remember our divorce agreement? You want full custody, your alimony goes bye-bye.”
“I don’t give a fuck about your money. Look around, Tad. None of this is from your money. And even if I was still working four jobs in some crappy little apartment, I wouldn’t care. My kids matter a hell of a lot more to me than money ever will. You will apologize to him when you see him on Wednesday. And, hey, maybe consider booking a therapist because, clearly, you need it. Of course, I’m sure that’s not whatmendo.”
He opens his mouth but I wave my hands in front of me, signalingenough.
Then I turn around and walk back inside, absolutely seething.
And that is maybe the hardest part about co-parenting. I want to lose my shit and rant about what a trash heap their father is, but I can’t do that.
I take a steadying breath and push down all my anger, knowing I can rant about it to Luke later.
As I walk toward the kitchen, I hear Alex still sniffling, and it makes my heart hurt. But then Luke says, “Buddy, you are amazing the way you are. You can like the things you like. That’s okay. In fact, it’s important. It’s important to be true to yourself.” I smile despite the situation as I walk into the kitchen. Alex is sitting on the counter, Luke is standing in front of him, and A.J. is glued to Luke’s side. Luke’s entire focus is on Alex and making him feel better.
“Why doesn’t my dad think that?” Alex asks.
Luke sighs. “Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how old we are, some people don’t get that. They don’t want to accept us. But that isn’t about us. It’s about them, okay?”
Alex wipes his face with the back of his hand and nods as Luke pulls him into his arms.
Then I hear Alex whisper words that both devastate me and fill my heart. “I wish you were my dad.”
Luke pulls back and looks at Alex earnestly. “Well, I can’t change that. But I can promise you, I’ll be here for you.” He grabs A.J. and sets him on the counter next to Alex. “I’ll be here for both of you. If you need help, if you need to talk, if you need support… whatever it is, I’ll be here to listen and help however I can. I promise. Always.”
I force myself from the doorway and walk over to them, taking Alex’s hand in mine. “I’m sorry that I chose a man who hasn’t treated you the way you deserve to be treated. But if I hadn’t, you might not be the wonderful version of yourself that you are. You’re pretty awesome, kid. And—” I reach down and take Luke’s hand while sucking in a big breath. “Maybe you will be happy to know that Luke and I are together. We’re dating. We—”
Luke wraps his arm around my back and looks at the boys with sincerity. “I love your mom very much, just like I love the two of you.”
“Cool!” A.J. yells, then he leaps down from the counter. “Does that mean you’ll make us pancakes every morning?”
Luke chuckles. “I’ll make pancakes whenever I can, but it might not be every day.”
