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This feels the same as Halloween night when we couldn’t find her. She ran off then, and she’s done it again now. Last time she had dark thoughts. Thoughts that if she followed through with, we would be attending her funeral this week.
Is that what’s happening now? Is she back at that place of helplessness?
16
Tyler
The shrill of my phone wakes me a little after sunrise. Fucking annoying thing. I don’t know why I bring the stupid thing into my bedroom at night. Wait. I do know why, but I’m gonna pretend it isn’t in case a certain seventeen-year-old girl calls me.
My sleepy fingers fumble to pick the damn thing up off the nightstand, but the moment I see the wordKittenflashing across the screen, I wake the fuck up and answer it quickly.
“Kitten, you ok?”
“No. I don’t think I am.” Shit, her voice sounds so deflated.
“What’s happened?” I sit up in my bed, kicking off the thin sheet and swing my legs over to plant my feet on the floor.
“I liked it.”
What? What is she talking about?
“Liked what? Where are you?”
“In the video of me when I was little. I liked what Brian and I did together.”
Fuck. She’s not good. Something has happened.
“Tell me where you are, Kitten?”
“Oh, I’m just sitting at the top of Ebony Falls. It’s so beautiful up here. I saw the last part of the sunrise. Have you ever done that? Watched the sunrise. It reminds you that there’s a whole big world, and you are just one small insignificant part.”
“Kitten, why are you at the top of the falls? Who’s with you?”
“I needed to find phone reception, so I could call you. Turns out there’s a really good signal up here.”
“Who’s with you, Kitten?” I growl. I don’t want to be a prick, but I need her to focus so I can help her.
“No one. Just me and the birds. Noisey little fuckers, they are.”
Jesus!
“Where’s Fuckboy?”
“He’s down at the camp with everyone else. Did you hear what I said before? I liked it, Ty. The things me and Brian did together never felt wrong when we did them. He made me feel good, and he made me feel safe. When I was taken away from him, I didn’t understand why the therapists and social workers kept trying to make me believe it was wrong. He never hurt me. It felt unbelievably good… that’s not normal, though, Ty. Me, what I did, what I felt… it wasn’t normal. I’m still not normal. Even though I understand now that it was inappropriate and Brian is a paedophile, sometimes I wonder if his grooming stuck.”
“What do you mean?” I stand and start pacing at the foot of my bed. I can’t sit still when I know she’s literally standing on a ledge.
“Sometimes I feel likeI’mthe predator. I’m this sex crazed girl who has barely any boundaries and has done some pretty disturbing things just to get a fix. And I say a fix because I’m an addict. Of sex, for fuck's sake. Although maybe I’m not. If I was an addict, I would have still let Marcus fuck me even though it really hurt yesterday, right? So maybe I’m not an addict. Maybe I’m just a sick human being.”
Fuck, she’s all over the place.
“Kitten. Slow down and take a breath. Can you do that for me?”
I start taking deep breaths, in and out, as if that will fucking help her.
“Ok. I guess.”
I can hear the inhale and exhale Kitten makes through the phone, and I put her on speaker and open up my messages, pulling up the contact I need.
