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“No, Caro,” I say.
“Just saying, it could be the hottest night of—”
“Caro,” I say with my warning voice.
“So what’s the deal?” Aly asks.
There’s a thump from my room and Caro nods toward the back door. I follow them outside and we hover in the corner of the little deck, arms around each other for warmth.
I’m quiet for a long time as I try to find the words.
“Verbal diarrhea, girl,” Caro says. “Just anything. We’ll interpret.”
I take a deep breath, and let it spill.
“I’ve been trying to move past these feelings, this whole Zeke thing. I mean, it’s obvious he doesn’t see me that way. But even when I try, I can’t. I know it’s not a big deal—”
“It’s a big deal,” Aly says, her eyes going wide and nodding at Caro.
“Huge deal,” Caro says, tucking my hair behind my ear. “So proud of you for putting yourself first.”
“And then I find Zeke, drunk in my room… and I thought maybe there was a moment.”
I look up at the sky. The clouds have moved in and there’s nothing to see, nothing to guide me. The girls are quiet and Caro hugs me from the side as Aly puts her head on my shoulder.
“And then he finally looks at me, I meanreallylooks at me. And…” I swallow hard as I feel the ugly tears surge. “He’s drunk. He has to be drunk in order to look at me that way.”
“Honey,” Aly whispers, pressing a kiss to my shoulder.
“He doesn’t know what he’s missing,” Caro says, pressing her forehead to the side of mine.
I swallow thickly and look out at the yard where Pasha and Lule are now arguing next to the raised garden beds, gesticulating at the questionable basil.
My friends hold on to me and I take them in. They’re both so beautiful. Nobody questions their beauty or their value. I grew up hearing my worth questioned constantly, all because of my dress size. I know it’s fucked up, but it’s not something that just disappears overnight. I swallow hard, trying to get my head around the words I need to say.
“When will it be my turn?” I whisper. “When will I be good enough? And why can’t I just let him go?”
The words barely breach the night air but once they’re out, it’s like a dam has broken. My girls know what it means to have said those words, and they cling to me, holding me tight as firecrackers explode in the night… and strange grunting sounds emanate from behind the garden beds.
We all freeze and look toward the garden. I definitely hear a groan.
“Is it an animal?” Aly asks.
“Oh, Iceman…” Lule’s voice moans from behind the planters.
I’m not sure which of us screams, which laughs, and which retches, but we all run back into the kitchen before we see something we can’t unsee. We tumble into the kitchen and hover over each other, laughing uncontrollably.
“Everyone okay?” Freddy asks, leaning into his crutch in the hallway. His eyes fall on Aly who is fanning herself with a paper plate. It’s enough to break the spell and we all wipe at our eyes.
“Yeah,” I say. “How’s the patient?”
“He’s been better,” he says lightly, but his mouth pulls in the corner.
“Well, he did just break up with his girlfriend,” I say. When Freddy doesn’t say anything, I tilt my head. “He did, right?”
“Yeah, he did. I don’t think that’s really an issue.” He makes a face and I’m not sure what to make of it. Or the way he stays on the opposite side of the kitchen.
“Do you want a drink?” I ask.
