AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I shake my head and squeeze his shoulder. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I fucked up. I’ve been fucking up and I keep fucking up and now I’m just… fucked.”
He squeezes my shoulder back and I drop my chin to my chest and pinch the top of my nose.
“Nothing’s final yet.”
“May as well be. You know what Michael said when he called?”
Freddy shakes his head. My chest tightens, remembering what he had said.
“Having those photos on my phone was against university policy on its own. The fact that they were then uploaded to the university cloud and accessible for others to see is a second strike. And the university has been out for blood looking to make examples of people who use the campus servers for things like revenge porn.”
“This isn’t revenge porn.”
“Try telling that to a board of woke administrators who want to make an example of a neanderthal coach.”
“Shit, man.”
“Yeah.”
My beer doesn’t even look good anymore. I just push it away, and as if on cue, the bartender brings a bowl of peanuts and a pitcher of water.
“Try not to go overboard, fellas,” the waitress says in a throaty voice. “Gotta leave room for my regulars.”
“Will do, miss,” Freddy says, then turns to me. “If I go to the bathroom, can I trust you not to do something stupid?”
“Sure,” I say. “As much as ever.”
He arches his eyebrows and then decides to chance it. Once he’s gone, I pull out my phone and flip through my photos. I should have never kept these on here. I delete one after another of her sexiest photos, and then my thumb sweeps over a black-and-white photo.
It’s our latest sonogram. The baby was measuring big, but not too big. I couldn’t be there because I’m a jackass, and she sent me the picture so I wouldn’t miss out. A horrible, gut-punching ache swells deep in my gut as I stare at that perfect picture.
I’m not even in control of my body when I dial Megan’s number. I can’t seem to help myself. Pressing those numbers feels so much more proactive, like I’m trying, like I’m doing something.
It goes to voice mail immediately. I press my forehead into the lip of the bar and listen to her sweet, melodic voice tell me to leave a message so she can call me back. I need to give her space. I know this. But I also need to tell her my truth. I just need her to understand, because she’s always understood. And if only she would listen, if she would hear me out, she would know why I’m so broken. Why I’m so weak and vile and how she’s made me better. How she’s made me want to be better.
There’s a beep.
I’m supposed to talk.
“Megan,” I say, my voice caught in my throat.Shit, I sound drunk.I need to get my shit together. I clear my throat. “I know you don’t want to hear from me. I get that. But I need to… fuck, just tell me you’re okay? You looked so sick when I was there and… just tell me you’re okay? Please, princess? Everything else will keep. Just please be okay. Please…”
The phone is snatched out of my hand.
“Come on, man,” Freddy says, ending the call and shaking his head in disgust. “I was gone for three minutes.”
“Will you call her?” I ask. My breaths are coming shorter, quicker. “She was really sick when I was there. She was throwing up. She… just check on her?”
“She’s going through something. She’s got her girls.”
“But what if… what if I did it? What if I pushed her over the edge and she’s really sick. She’s so close. Thirty-five weeks. Just one more and she’s in the clear. But things could still go wrong. I can’t do that to her. I can’t…” I can’t finish my sentence.
“You’re a mess. You need to sleep this off. Don’t do anything stupid. Just sleep and don’t call anyone else and lay low. I’ll check on you later?”
He helps me up and I can barely find my feet. The beers hit hard all of the sudden and when I look at my empty glass, I can’t remember when I finished it. We leave the bar and it’s raining. The water is cold and painful and it wakes me up too much. But then we’re back at my place and Freddy is getting me a glass of water and telling me he put my phone on my nightstand and then he’s gone and I’m alone.
Just like I always wanted.
So why does it hurt so fucking much?
