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First week of August
“Dinner by the patio?” Heavenly asked as Seth walked in the door after a long day. She was preparing skewers of chicken-and-veggie kabobs. “Beck is on his way. I thought we might cheer him up. He sounded like he had a lot on his mind.”
Seth didn’t have to guess what. A handful of days had passed since Gloria and Buddy’s wedding, and he was still sorting everything that had happened that weekend.
Things between the three of them were changing. Seth wasn’t ready.
Since the Vegas nuptials, Beck’s impatience to get on with their future had become almost palpable. It wasn’t what the surgeon said. In fact, he’d been surprisingly mute since Seth had confessed the relevant parts of his past a few months back. And Heavenly, bless her, was always sweet and understanding. But he wasn’t stupid. He’d seen her wistful tears as Gloria and Buddy exchanged vows. He’d noticed her melancholy after co-hosting Raine’s baby shower with Liam’s mom and sisters, Rosaleen and Shauna. Though his angel wasn’t pushing or complaining, he sensed she was ready to start making their future permanent and expanding their family.
The notion broke him out in a cold, terrified sweat. Well, not actually committing to Heavenly and Beck. No question he wanted to spend the rest of his life with them, despite the fact it might kill his very Catholic mother. He loved his angel, and the life he and Beck had forged with her made him happier than he’d ever been.
Marriage was different. That took place in the Church—something the three of them would never be allowed. Their love was considered a desecration of the union between a man and a woman, sanctified by God. Seth had wrestled with that until he’d made peace with committing that sacrilege.
But having another child scared the absolute fuck out of him.
So where did that leave them?
Seth didn’t know…but he either needed to man up and help get Heavenly pregnant or walk away and let Beck start a family alone with her.
Either might kill him.
“Is dinner on the patio all right?” Heavenly set the kabobs down and crossed the room to him, wearing a concerned expression. “We can eat inside if you’d rather.”
Seth jerked his attention back to the present. “Outside would be great. It was a pretty day.”
She sent him an unsettled smile, as if she sensed his turmoil and wanted to convince herself they were all right more than she believed they were. “Good. I’ll set up the table out there.”
“Give me a minute to shrug out of this suit, then I’ll do it.” He leaned down to kiss her softly. When their lips broke apart, he caressed her cheek. “You know I love you.”
“I do.” But she looked braced for bad news.
“I just wanted to make sure you knew.”
Her smile gained a little confidence. “Just like I love you.”
“How was your day?” he asked. “Enjoying your last few weeks of quiet before school starts again?”
“Yeah. Raine and I had lunch and ran some errands. Bryn is convinced she’s going into labor tomorrow. Liam, too.”
“They would know. And that explains why River left work early today. Is she nervous?”
“Very. She’s worried she won’t be a good mom since she lost hers so young and didn’t have a role model.” Heavenly sent him another stilted smile. “But I told her she’d have Liam’s just a phone call away. Bryn is wonderful.”
“Raine will be great. Even if she didn’t have Bryn, she’d manage just fine on her own.” The rest of Seth’s reply caught in his throat.
He’d never stopped to consider that Heavenly might have insecurities about her own mothering skills. Despite not being sure he would ever be ready for more kids, he hated the thought of his angel worrying for an instant. “You know, if you ever have children, you’ll be a great mom. The best.” He swallowed. “You may not be sure since yours didn’t stick around, but I believe that. I was raised by one of the best, so I know you’ll be amazing.”
She studied him, a thousand questions in her eyes—and he swore he could read every one of them. Didn’t he want children? Wouldn’t he be giving her any of those children? Why wasn’t he ready to try?
Seth had no answers.
“Thank you.” Tears pooled in her eyes, and she pasted on a falsely cheerful smile. “Go change and I’ll finish prepping dinner.”
She turned away from him and focused on the kabobs again. Seth ached to pull her back. It took everything inside him to let her walk away, even across the room. God, they were only ten feet apart, and it felt like a chasm. Like he was already losing her.
A gaping wound opened in his chest at the thought of Heavenly no longer in his life, at not having the right to press his lips to hers as he tumbled her into bed between him and Beck while he shredded every stitch from her body and drove her to screaming pleasure.
But the thought of filling her belly, of creating another vulnerable life that could be viciously snuffed out in a handful of seconds, infected him with bitter fear. He had to get out of here.
