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“Honestly? Yes. My patience was up at the lodge. Since we’d all agreed that we would let fate decide our future, I prayed we’d get you pregnant that night, but…” Beck sighed.
He was already done waiting? That filled her with panic, but she had to stay calm and try to reason with him. “If I had, Seth probably wouldn’t be with us today.”
Beck cursed. “I’ve thought of that, and I’m trying not to be a selfish prick. I’m just tired of my life being on hold. What if it takes him another two years to be ready for kids? Five years? Or more? Once, he suggested we wait a decade. I can’t do that, especially since he’s running from his demons a lot more than he’s fighting them.”
“But he is fighting. That’s something. And I think he’ll get there, probably sooner than you imagine…” She did her best to encourage Beck since he’d obviously been gnawing on his frustration in silence for months. “Just…please. Don’t give up on us.”
“That’s the last thing I want,” he assured. “And it’s not that I don’t sympathize with his loss. The enormity of his wife and son being murdered, especially over a case he pursued… I can’t even imagine. But Seth can’t change any of that now. Beating himself black and blue isn’t living. And being afraid of the future won’t stop it from coming.”
“I know, but we have to keep reassuring him and wait for him to come to terms with his past. What other choice do we have?”
“There are other options…but they come with risks.”
His ominous tone sent a chill up her spine. “Risks?”
Beck nodded tightly. “You and I are ready for a family…and it only takes two to tango. We could go upstairs right now and start making babies.”
Heavenly wasn’t okay with that. “But—”
“But this is an equal partnership,” Beck reassured her. “If we did that behind Seth’s back, he’d feel betrayed, and rightly so. And he wouldn’t stick around.”
Her heart splintered at the thought. “I-I could never do that to him.”
“No matter how badly you want commitment and children? It’s definitely a last resort. But I’ve started to wonder…at what point does the longing to have a family outweigh the risk of losing him? Would you really wait forever?”
Panic flooded her system, making her stomach knot and her heart ache. He’d asked a question that would kill her to answer. “I don’t know. I’m trying not to think of the worst-case scenario. I’d rather believe in the three of us.”
“I would, too, but I’m not sure how much longer I can.”
Beck had a point. What if Seth decided he never wanted more children? Could she stay with him without ever experiencing the joy of motherhood or raising a family? Did that mean Beck would leave and find another woman to give him the babies he ached for?
She pressed a hand to her trembling mouth to hold in her tears. No, that was her worst nightmare, the one where she’d given her whole heart and been left standing broken and alone and still so very in love with them.
Could she ever truly be happy without either Beck or Seth? Was this the beginning of their end?
No. She couldn’t lose them.
They love me…as much as I love them.
She knew that with every cell in her body. They’d rescued her from poverty, given her security, found her dad the medical care he’d needed, saved her from a demeaning job flashing her body to men who saw her as a piece of ass, and flown halfway across the country to help scatter her dad’s ashes. They’d helped her see the world and experience new things while lifting her burdens, soothing her worries, and calming her fears. They’d stolen her heart and soul.
Heavenly refused to lose either of them. Somehow, she’d keep them all together.
“I-I don’t know how to fix this. All I know is that I want a child with both of you.” Swiping a tear from her cheek, Heavenly forced the hardest question she’d ever asked off her lips. “How much longer can you wait?”
Pain etched Beck face as he lifted the mug from her hand and cupped her cheeks, forcing her gaze. “I’m not walking out the door tonight, little girl. Hell, I don’t ever want to leave. I can’t imagine giving up what we have, what we could have in the future. I’m sorry I’m rocking the boat, but I’m not getting any younger. I know what I want, and that’s a family with you and Seth. Somehow, someway, we have to help him come to the same conclusion.”
“How much longer?” she asked, voice cracking this time.
“Don’t cry,” Beck whispered as he brushed her tears away with the pads of his thumbs, then pressed a tender kiss to her lips. “I can find a little more patience. If you want to wait until you’re done with school, I understand.”
But that’s only a matter of months.
“What if we can’t persuade him to embrace the future by then?”
A sad smile tugged Beck’s lips as he lifted her onto his lap and cradled her close to his warm chest. “Then you and I will have some serious soul-searching to do.”
* * *
