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“That’s not it. He and River solved that a few hours ago.” Beck dragged in a tense breath and went for broke. “Seth isn’t coming home because I told him not to.”
Heavenly reared back and gaped at him. “What? Why would you do that?”
Beck brushed the tears from her cheeks, wishing she was more ready to hear the truth he had to tell her. Then he crushed her as gently as possible. Once he’d explained everything, he held her close. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t understand.” The anguish in her voice eviscerated him. “He’d rather sleep on a couch in his office than come home to us. Why?”
“Because he knows that he can’t come home until he’s honest with us. And he’s not ready.”
“What if he’s never ready? What if he never comes home?” A sob caught in her throat. “What if he leaves us for good?”
Beck hugged her tighter. “We have to think positive.”
“But telling him not to come home? How can he know that we’ll still love him, no matter what, if you told him to stay away?”
Goddamn it, he wasn’t the bad guy. He was trying to protect her. “Seth needs to understand the consequences of his choices. And I didn’t kick him out of the house; I told him that, until he could be honest with us about his past and his feelings, he shouldn’t come back.”
“What if he never does?” The desolation in her voice tore at him.
“Then he never loved us enough in the first place.”
Her face twisted with refusal. “I don’t believe that.”
“I don’t want to believe it. But until Seth decides to tell us how he really feels, I don’t know what to think.”
Heavenly didn’t say anything for a long moment. Finally, she wiped her cheeks. Defeat crept into her voice. “You’re right.”
At least she saw his point, though he wished like hell he hadn’t had to make it. “Come on, little girl. It’s late. Let’s try to get some sleep. If you need, we can talk again in the morning.”
Heavenly nodded as he eased out of bed.
After he changed out of his clothes and autopiloted through his nightly routine, they climbed back between the sheets. Beck extinguished the light and held her in his arms, tucking her close, then shutting his eyes.
Normally, Heavenly’s warm breath on his chest soothed him to sleep, but not tonight. The unanswered questions dive-bombing Beck’s brain only reignited his anger and angst. Beside him, Heavenly wasn’t faring any better. He could feel her lashes fluttering against his skin with every blink.
“I’m scared,” she confessed in the dark.
“Don’t be. And don’t give up hope. Seth fought too hard for this—for us—to just walk away. He loves you, and love is the most powerful emotion on the planet.”
“Maybe he just needs more time. I can give that to him. What about you?”
“No, not if he keeps ripping out your heart this way. Seth isn’t the only protector in this relationship.”
She tightened her arms around him. “I know, and I love you for it.”
Beck kissed the top of her head. “It’s killing me to sit back and do nothing, especially when my job is to fix people.”
“I’m sure. But I know firsthand that grief is hard. Even though I had months—years, really—to prepare for Dad’s death, I wasn’t ready for him to go, especially not so quickly. But Seth had zero warning, no time to brace himself to lose his wife and baby. They were just ripped violently from his life.”
“I don’t pretend to understand everything he went through—or what he’s dealing with now that those memories have resurfaced. Seriously, I’m not trying to be a heartless prick, but he’s dodging us. On top of that, his refusal to tell his mom about us isn’t okay.”
“Well, I’m sure it’s not easy to—”
“Fly your freak flag in front of a parent? I know you struggled, and I didn’t appreciate how much until you explained. But you lived through it—in the worst possible circumstances. What really pisses me off is that he’s not willing to compromise. How can any relationship last without give and take? Think about what happens if he doesn’t come clean with his family. We’ll always be stuck—every birthday, every holiday, every visit—hiding or lying or pretending to be something we’re not. We’ll be stuck in limbo. I fucking hate that.”
“Me, too. I spent years there, every day between my father’s diagnosis and the day he died. The not knowing almost killed me.”
“Exactly. After I left Messiah City and ended up in Vegas, I lived minute to minute, digging through dumpsters for food and searching for safe places to sleep where I wouldn’t get raped or killed.”
