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“Yes. Watching you deal with your loss and grief has caused his to resurface. He’s not handling it well.”
“Is that why he’s rarely around? Because of me?”
Beck heaved a sigh. “Yes and no. It’s not you. Being around you is simply a reminder of all he lost. He knows exactly what you’re thinking and feeling. It’s like looking in a mirror and reliving the most horrific time of his life all over again.”
“If you think it will help, I’ll talk to him.”
Amazing. Zach was suffering, but he was still willing to help someone whose pain was years old, while Seth couldn’t seem to find a fucking ounce of compassion to help his brother, who was currently enduring the worst of his grief. The fact that Zach might interpret his insistence to move elsewhere as him choosing Seth over his own brother added another layer to Beck’s guilt, along with a boatload of anger.
“Thanks for the offer, but that’s not what he needs. You ever heard the adage ‘out of sight, out of mind’?”
“Of course.” Zach’s nod slowed as he digested Beck’s question. “You want me to leave.”
“I don’t want you to, but—”
“It’s okay, brother.” Zach sent Beck a crooked smile. “It’s ironic you brought this up. I woke this morning, pondering the kindest way possible to ask if I could find a place of my own.”
That took Beck aback. “You did?”
“Again, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but…” Zach scanned the room and frowned. “I don’t feel like this is where I’m supposed to be. It’s hard to sort everything out here. You and Heavenly are so attentive and worried about leaving me alone that it’s hard to just be with my thoughts.”
Shit. As a kid, Zach had always been the quietest of the Kimball brothers. He’d preferred his own company, especially when something troubled him. “I’m sorry for not realizing…”
“How could you? And I would never want to upset you or Heavenly. I don’t pretend to understand your relationship, but I know my first assumption, that any woman involved sexually with two men at once must be a harlot, is wrong. Heavenly is a genuinely sweet and kind person. I would never want to upset her or seem ungracious, but she often tries to engage or distract me, asking if I want to watch a movie, swim, talk, or…” He shrugged. “Right now, I’d rather be alone.”
“She means well,” Beck assured. “A few weeks ago, she lost her dad. They were very close. Even though he was sick and his death wasn’t unexpected, he passed suddenly. She took it hard. I think she’s trying to make sure you don’t fall into the same mental chasm of grief she did.”
Zach’s face softened. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“You couldn’t. My point is, Heavenly wasn’t trying to be pushy. She was just trying to help you find a path forward and show you that life goes on.”
His brother raked a hand through his hair. “And I came at the worst possible time. I didn’t realize you had a houseful of mourning people.”
Ironically, Beck hadn’t either until Zach pointed it out. “You came when you found yourself at a crossroads, and I’m still here for you.”
“I appreciate that. But I need time—quiet time—to reflect on everything that’s happened.”
“I understand. I know you feel completely lost.”
Zach nodded. “All my life, I knew what was expected of me, what my role in Messiah City was, and how I fit into God’s plan. I don’t anymore. I’m still not sure what I believe about God right now.”
Beck ached for Zach’s obvious confusion and struggle. “One day at a time. That’s how you’ll figure everything out. If you keep yourself open and stay receptive to what’s around you, you’ll find this life has advantages and blessings. You’ll eventually find happiness, too.”
“You should know.” He smiled faintly. “But to get there, I need space and solitude so I can figure out where to go next, to take the right path so I can find where I belong.”
The guilt in Beck’s chest eased. Thank fuck that his needs and Zach’s dovetailed. But that didn’t lessen his resentment at Seth for putting him in what could have been a terrible position.
“I’ll give you as much solitude as you need and a place to be alone.”
“You will?”
“Yeah. Seth has an apartment sitting empty. It’s not far from here.”
“If he lives with you and Heavenly, why?”
“He rented it when he first moved from New York, before the three of us got together.”
“Why does he keep it if he’s not using it?”
