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And all I can think is,Do. Please burst. Please. Let your flesh rip open and bits of your organs fly out all over the walls because you just can’t hold it in anymore. All this love for my husband, it made you burst!
In reply he texted:
I couldn’t have done it without you. You’re incredible. I love how smart you are.
Seriously? What about me? What am I? Chopped liver? AmInot smart enough anymore? Considering it’s what has defined me my whole life, it’s a blow, I won’t lie. It’s my nightmare of a childhood, my career and my sacrifices, and it’s stupid Alex and the professorship I didn’t even get. Maybe I’m not that smart. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m not smart and everybody knows it except me.
“Come back to bed, Anna.”
My heart somersaults in my chest and I slap the phone down, screen to the table, so hard I think I might have cracked it. Luis puts his hands on my shoulders and squeezes.
Without looking up, I reach up and take his hand. “I will. I just need a minute.”
He picks up an empty glass from the table and puts it next to the sink. I shove the phone into the pocket of my bathrobe.
“Is it Alex?” he asks, stooping down and wiping my tears with his thumb.
I kind of nod, kind of not; anything to stop myself from laughing hysterically into his face.
Back in bed, he spoons me, strokes my hair, and I am so afraid I could die. I feel this yawning void stretch out before me. A schism of loneliness. All the promise of my life vanished. Alex’s death has robbed me of my professional future, Luis’s success has robbed me of my family. I put the pillow against my face to muffle my sobs.
Fourteen
This morning I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, purple crescents beneath my eyes. Puffy eyelids. Frazzled brain. Despairing mood.
“Hey, babe, have you seen my cellphone?”
I spin around. Luis is leaning into the bathroom, holding onto the doorjamb.
“Um, no?”
“Okay. You okay?”
I nod quickly. “Absolutely. Great night last night by the way. I’m sorry I got…”
“No, I get it.”
“It’s his parents—I had to gather his things for them. That’s what got to me.”
“Oh, Anna, you should have said.”
“Don’t be silly. It was your night. And a wonderful night it was, too. I’m so proud of you.”
He smiles, slides a lock of hair in that space between his thumb and forefinger and pushes it out of the way. I can hear myself asking,Are you going to leave us?But his face doesn’t change so I know it’s only in my head.
“I’ll make coffee.”
“Thank you. I’ll be there in a sec.”
The moment he is gone, I pat the pocket of my robe and pull out his phone. After I get dressed, I make the bed and yell out, “Found your phone!” and he bounds up the stairs while I brandish it.
“It was on the floor.”
I have a quiet afternoon today so I decide to follow her. I tell myself I just want to see what I’m up against. What is so special about her that Luis would risk breaking up his family? He said last night that she can help him break into major collections, that the sale ofThe Nestis just the beginning, which surely can’t be reason enough that he’d leave us. Maybe she’s good in bed. Maybe she does things that every man dreams of but would never dare ask his wife. Maybe I need to update my repertoire. Maybe we have fallen into the classic married-couple trap, when making love is just a quick release because we’re too tired to do anything else.
I borrowed a cap from Carla, dark blue with a wide brim at the front and a small white pineapple logo. I know the gallery closes at five, so I sit in my car, the cap over my ears and my oversized, unbranded, mirrored aviator sunglasses over my eyes.
She emerges at ten past five, waves to someone inside and takes off on foot down the street. I slip out of my car and follow her, past the Westside Market and into Church Avenue. She walks into a vivid blue house that looks like something out of a movie set, with a pretty garden at the front. I’m surprised. I expected her to live in one of those renovation projects, a building that would have been some kind of factory once but is now converted into lofts and oversized apartments with floor to ceiling windows.
