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“No, sorry, Geoff.” I press my palms against his chest to push him away, give a small embarrassed laugh. “I don’t think so.”
He presses harder against me. “Come on, Anna,” he growls. “Tell me, what’ve you been doing with June, anyway?” He rubs his groin against me. “You two are always together, whispering to each other like school girls. Then this morning, the two of you were in your office, with the door closed, and you were crying. I saw you. What are the two of you up to, hey?”
A wave of panic engulfs me. I’m too far from the door to get out easily; he’s too heavy, pressed against me like that. The shelves start to wobble behind me and something cuts into the small of my back.
“Enough, Geoff! What are you doing?” I push harder, start to shout, but he puts his hand on my face, extended so that his fingers are over my eyes and the palm of his hand is over my mouth. The taste of his skin makes me gag.
He licks the side of my neck. “What does your husband say? Does he know? About you and June?”
“Stop!” But my words are muffled. I can’t breathe. My fingers frantically search behind me for something I can use against him but there’s nothing. I wedge my knee between his thighs and he laughs softly, like I’m doing it on purpose, like I’m enjoying this. He moves his hand to hold my chin. Fingers like a vice on either side of my jaw.
I take a desperate breath.
“Get off me!” I shout as loudly as I can, my voice shrill with fear, my mouth distorted by his grip. I grab his wrist just as he brings his mouth close to mine. His breath is hot and reeks of stale alcohol.
“Come on,” he groans into my face. “I know you want to. Don’t tell me you’re just a tease. You’ve been wanting me to do this to you ever since you first laid eyes on me.” He brings his free hand up my skirt, his fingers sliding up my thigh. “How does that feel? Is that nice?”
His mouth is against mine, hot and wet, making me heave. I let out a wail, twist my head away, then grab his hand and bite it.
He jerks away suddenly. “Hey! What did you do that for?” He stares at his finger where my teeth have left a reddening crescent. He massages it, an astonished look on his face. “What the hell is wrong with you? That really hurt!”
I wipe snot off my face with my sleeve. I’m shaking with fury and humiliation. “You’re out of your mind! I’ll report you for this!”
He jerks his head back, an angry look of scorn and surprise on his face. “You’re a bitch, you know that? You’re just a tease. You’ve been at me like a bitch in heat since forever. And what about Chicago, hey? You played the tease then and I let you get away with it. But you never stopped coming on to me, did you? You want to play it that way again? Then you better watch yourself, Anna. Nothing good happens to women like you.”
Does he actually believe I ever wanted this? I straighten my skirt, my entire body vibrating with anger while he straightens his clothes. He opens the door and light floods in from the corridor. Students walk past, their heads swinging towards me in unison. A burst of laughter.
“I won’t let you get away with this,” I say, between my teeth.
“Oh, really? What are you going to do, Anna? Report me? Who do you think you are? You want to tell them about Chicago? Or shall I? Because there’s bound to be a whole lot of people who saw you get drunk and come on to me like you couldn’t get enough of me. Plenty of people who saw us leave together that night. And I don’t think your behavior was leaving much to the imagination, but hey, your call.” He snorts. “And by the way.” He rests one hand on the door handle. “Mila says you’re avoiding her. That you refuse to talk about how you came up with the solution. What’s that about?” He waits, chin forward, but I don’t reply. I wipe my cheeks with trembling fingers and he shakes his head in disgust, steps into the corridor then changes his mind and turns around again. “And one more thing, you know why you didn’t get the professorship?”
My chest is rising with every loud breath. I run my trembling fingers through my hair.
“I never submitted your application to the board. That’s why. I never even nominated you.” He smirks.
I search his face, looking for the lie, for the joke, for the punch line. I think of all the extra work I did, the many conversations I had with him about the best way to approach my application. All the proposals I devised, wrote and submitted: funding proposals, asset refurbishment proposals, how to attract more young women to study mathematics proposals. All to show I am a team player, a rallier.
He answers his own question. “I wasn’t going to waste my time. I knew you wouldn’t get it, so I didn’t bother submitting it.”
“You’re an asshole,” I say, my voice low and shaky.
He shrugs. “Maybe. And maybe I was wrong. You certainly surprised us all cracking the Pentti-Stone. But maybe I was right. Maybe you’re hiding something. Maybe you’re just a fraud. But hey…” He taps the door twice with the palm of his hand. “We’ll find out one way or another, won’t we?”
Twenty-One
I’ve washed my hands, my face, rinsed my mouth. Popped mints to fend off the impending nausea. I stare at my own reflection. Did I really bring this upon myself? Was I so taken by his attentions that I misunderstood what was going on?I know you want to. You’ve been at me like a bitch in heat since forever.And a part of me thinks it’s true, that it’s my fault. I sent the wrong signals. Even in the face of such violence I can’t help but think it’s me. Because in the end it’s always me. Even when it’s other people, it’s me.
I already know I won’t do anything about him. Nothing at all. For all my bluster about my family and what I’m prepared to do for them, I am a coward. I couldn’t bear for Luis to find out about Chicago, and I have no doubt Geoff would make sure he does. For all I know, that’s all Luis needs to run into Isabelle’s arms for good.
I bring my hand over my eyes, Geoff’s parting words still ringing in my ears:Maybe you’re hiding something. Maybe you’re just a fraud. For a terrifying moment I think he knows, has always known. But I make myself breathe, tell myself he doesn’t know, because if he did, he would have said something by now. Wouldn’t he?
It’ll keep. That’s what I tell myself as I wipe mascara off my cheeks in the staff bathroom. I can deal with it later. It’s better for everyone if I wait until after the Forrester lecture. My word will have more weight then. I come up with so many ways to rationalize my own cowardice the words stop having any meaning.I’m okay, it’s okay. It’s all okay. I can deal with it. Where’s the rush? He’s not going anywhere.
I avoid him as the week goes on, plead too much work and avoid meetings. He throws me a look of contempt whenever he passes me, and I pretend I don’t notice. After a few days I think it’s not so bad; soon, I’ll forget it ever happened. Everything will return to normal. Meanwhile, Mila is still at me, like an over-enthusiastic puppy, nipping relentlessly at my ankles. “Did you remember to bring your notes, Anna? I’m holding off publishing our interview until I get that material. I can’t wait to see them! I’d love to know how you did it, how your brain works! Oh, no? What a shame. Where do you think they might be? I mean, you must havesomething, right? You didn’t pop this work out of thin air, did you? You’ll be in trouble if you did! Ha ha!”
Is that a coincidence, this fixation she has about my notes? Did Geoff speak to her about his doubts? I can’t stand it anymore, this paranoia that’s twisting my insides all the time, like no matter which way I turn, someone is out to get me.
“Mila, please. Why don’t we leave it for now? I have The Forrester Foundation lecture to prepare for.”
