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I let her go abruptly and took a step back. I hadn’t wanted to hurt her—not again—but this was unavoidable. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Yes, I still mean it.’
Anguish flickered over her face. ‘Why? I don’t understand.’
‘Because love isn’t something I can—’
‘No,’ she interrupted, her voice quivering.‘No.’The anguish disappeared, leaving fury hot and bright in her eyes. ‘Don’t tell me you can’t, or that you’re not able to. Don’t lie to me, Constantine.’
‘Jenny—’
‘No,’she said again, her hands in fists at her sides. ‘There’s something you’re not telling me, something you’re hiding. I think you almost let it slip at our picnic, but you didn’t want to talk about it.’ She took a step towards me. ‘What is it? It’s something to do with these lies you believe about love, isn’t it?’
You have to tell her. You can’t hide it.
Ice sat in my gut, hard and jagged and sharp. I hadn’t wanted to tell her. I hadn’teverwanted to tell her. But there was no escaping it now. I could have given her some ridiculous excuse, some meaningless justification, but I couldn’t do that to her, not when it concerned our child. She deserved better than that.
I had to tell her the truth. Even if it changed things. Even if it meant putting her and our baby beyond my reach for ever. And maybe it would even be better this way. Better a short, sharp pain now, so that she could heal, rather than a prolonged agony, especially an agony that might have the potential to affect our son or daughter.
‘You’re right,’ I said, ignoring the pain that lay deep in my heart. ‘There is something I’m not telling you. I didn’t ever want to tell you. I wanted to keep you and the baby safe. But... You deserve to know. It’s not fair to keep you in the dark.’
Her face had gone white. ‘What is it?’
‘The night Valentin escaped his room I knew he was gone for good. That he wouldn’t ever return. He had...left me.’
I could still feel the rage. It was still there. Rage at Valentin, rage at myself, rage at my father.
‘It was my fault. If I hadn’t told Domingo about him and Olivia then none of it would have happened. I was...furious. At myself, at Val, at Papa. I went to Papa’s study and I stormed inside. I hadn’t ever rebelled against him, not like Val. I did everything he said usually. But...not that night.’
Even to my own ears my voice sounded harsh, metallic.
‘He was sitting in a chair, reading a book, and I lost my temper. I was tall at seventeen, and I was strong, and so when I pulled him out of his chair he came easily. I’d surprised him.’
Jenny’s eyes darkened, but she didn’t look away and she didn’t speak.
‘I don’t remember much of what happened then, just an explosion of rage and the feel of my fist connecting with his face. The next thing I was aware of was him on the floor, his face a bloody mess.’
Every part of my body was tight, the pain radiating outward, but I forced it away. Turned myself cold, hard. Impervious.
‘My fists were bloody too, my knuckles raw, and he...he was laughing. He was laughing at me.’
My jaw ached, everything ached.
‘And do you know what he said, Jenny? He said “Finally. I was beginning to think you had none of my blood. But you do, boy. Deep down, you’re just like me.”’
Jenny blinked, a small crease between her silky brows. ‘But...you’re not, Con.’ She said it as if it was self-evident. ‘You’re nothing like him.’
Of course she would say that. She liked to see the best in people, and that was one of the wonderful things about her. But that meant she minimised the worst. Especially the worst that could do harm.
‘Aren’t I?’ I stayed very still, so I wouldn’t give in to the need to pull her into my arms and hold her, never let her go. ‘I thought I was. That night I decided never to lose myself to anger again, never to lose myself toanyemotion again. And for years I managed to do that. To not be the manhesaw. Until you came along. When you were a child it was easy to distance myself, but...not when you grew up.’
‘Con—’
‘That night in the garden I lost all control,’ I went on, over the top of her, because I had to get this out, she had to know. ‘I hurt you. I got you pregnant. Then I kidnapped you and stole you away to come here. I kicked down your door, laid my hands on you. I...’ I stopped, breathing hard, feeling as if all the air in the room had been sucked away. ‘You bring out all these feelings in me, feelings I cannot control. And it’s dangerous. Don’t you understand? It’s dangerous.’
She stared at me, so pale and lovely, her eyes dark. ‘No, actually, Idon’tunderstand. You’ve never made me feel afraid, not ever. You’re not dangerous and neither are your emotions. You just...feel deeply. Besides, everything you do is about protecting other people, about protecting me.’
I shook my head, my heart beating too fast. Because it was clear that she didn’t understand. ‘I’m not dangerous now because I remain in control of myself. But I have no control around you. And the more time I spend with you, the more I want. And I can’t want. I can’t feelso hungry, so desperate. Because I would never forgive myself if I hurt you, and I’d rather die than hurt our child.’
She took a step towards me, her hand outstretched, but something in my gaze must have stopped her, because she lowered it all of a sudden. ‘You wouldn’t, though. I know you wouldn’t. Those birds that you looked after—’
