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‘Because you were never taught how to deal with your emotions!’ I interrupted, suddenly furious. Not at him, but at the father who’d scarred him and the brother who’d left him. ‘You were brought up by a psychopath, Con. No wonder you think all your feelings are toxic.’
‘I can’t put you at risk.’ There was iron in his voice. ‘I have done nothing but make your life miserable for years and I will not do it any longer. Especially now we have a child to consider.’
I felt as if there was stone stuck in my throat, making it hard to breathe, to swallow, and what I wanted was to throw myself into his arms. Tell him it was okay, that we could talk about this later, just let us have another few days of happiness.
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give in. If I wanted to have him—if I wanted to have any kind of relationship with him at all—I couldn’t let him pull away from me.
If he wasn’t going to fight for us, then I would.
‘I’m sure that sounds great in your head,’ I said, steel to his iron. ‘I’m sure that all sounds very noble. But it’s just an excuse, isn’t it? It’s just an excuse so you don’t have to deal with difficult things.’
Black fire flared in his eyes. ‘You think I haven’t had to deal with difficulties? You really think you can say that to me?’
But I wasn’t having that. I wasn’t going to have him walk all over me, tell me I was wrong, break my heart, because he thought he was protecting me. He wasn’t protecting me. He was protecting himself. And if I wanted him it wasn’t just him I’d have to fight, but Domingo too.
‘I can say whatever I like to you,’ I said fiercely. ‘Because I love you and I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to be a family and I think you want that too. I know you do. You’re desperate for it, just like me.’ I stared at him, letting him see the depth of what I felt for him, see my love for him in all its painful, ecstatic glory. ‘But you’re still letting your father make your decisions for you, Con. And you’re still believing his lies. And if you can’t see that, it’s because you don’t want to.’
Anger flashed in his gaze, and a deep pain.
Suddenly he was in front of me, his warm hands cupping my face with such gentleness I nearly wept. Even in a fury he was gentle.
‘I can’t,’ he said, as if the words had been ripped from him. ‘I can’t take the risk. You and our baby...you’re precious. I can’t... I don’t...’
‘You can take the risk. You can. And if you can’t trust yourself, then trust me. Trust my love for you. When have I ever let you down?’
His gaze searched mine and I could see the desperation in it. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he could let go, that his love wasn’t something to be afraid of, but something to celebrate. But I saw the moment when he made the decision not to make that leap, to step back from the edge. To trust in the lies of a psychopath rather than me.
And wasn’t that the story of my life? I hadn’t been enough for my father, who’d left, or my mother, who’d gone searching for something she’d never been able to get from me. Why would it be any different with Con?
My heart broke then, into tiny, jagged pieces. Because as much as I wanted to push him further, I didn’t have the will for it. His whole life had been a battle, so why make this just another fight? He wasn’t going to change his mind. He’d decided. And there was nothing I could say that could convince him.
He thought he was doing this to protect me and our child, so why not let him believe that? Why not let him have that peace of mind?
It hurt. It hurt so much. But this wasn’t about me, and I didn’t want it to be.
It was only and had only ever been about him.
It was only a broken heart. Nothing major.
‘Okay,’ I said croakily. ‘If that’s what you feel you need to do.’
I’d sworn I’d never cry in front of him again, and yet more and more tears were gathering in my eyes, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t blink them away.
A muscle ticked in his jaw, but he was already retreating from me, ice in his gaze. Ice right the way through his soul. ‘Don’t cry, Jenny.’ He let me go and stepped back. ‘It’s better this way.’
I could have turned around and walked away right then. I could have given in to anger and kept everything inside, met him ice for ice and not allowed him a thing.
But I didn’t want that for him. What I wanted was to give him one last thing to carry, a piece of myself he could take with him wherever he went. So he’d know that at least there was one person in this world who cared about him.
I lifted my chin and let the tears fall, because those tears were for him and what did it matter that he could see them? What did it matter that this was agony? This agony was love, and I couldn’t keep it inside me any longer.
‘I love you,’ I said clearly. ‘I love you so much, Constantine Silvera. I always have and I always will, and there is nothing you can do to change it. Nothing you can do that will make me love you any less.’
His expression shifted then, a crack in his icy detached mask giving me a glimpse of something molten and raging beneath it. ‘Jenny, I—’
‘No,’ I interrupted. ‘No. I haven’t finished. I’m telling you this because I want you to know. I want you to be absolutely certain. If you think you’re alone in this world, you are not. There will be two people in it—’ I touched my stomach so he’d know who else I meant ‘—who love you utterly and without reservation.’
That raging volcanic thing in his eyes burned bright for one shining moment. Then he glanced away briefly, and when he looked back it was gone. Ice-cold Constantine Silvera was in charge again.
