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‘I think it might have something to do with it,’ he said, testing gently. ‘And I think you don’t like that.’
Her eyes glittered, the embers of her temper glowing. ‘Being a woman in the army is a liability. You have to work harder than everyone else, be stronger, not show even the slightest weakness. And you can’t ever look female, because when you look like a woman, that’s all people will see.’
She looked so proud sitting there, proud and defiant and strong. But he had the feeling that she wasn’t directing that conviction at him. No, it was at someone else.
‘That sounds personal,’ he said, innate protectiveness squeezing tight inside him. ‘Did something happen? Did someone hurt you? Take advantage of you?’
‘Why should that matter?’
‘Because I am the head of the army, which means I’m ultimately responsible.’
‘Oh, of course.’ She took a little breath. ‘No one ever physically touched me. But some of the men liked to get me...angry.’
Carefully, Xerxes put his mug down so he wouldn’t crack it. ‘Angry? Why?’
She lifted a shoulder. ‘To test me, probably.’
‘And what happened?’
The flush was back in her cheeks, creeping down her neck, but her jaw was tight. ‘I cried.’
It was clear from the look in her eyes that crying had been a crime worse than death, and he could well imagine it. In the army, strength was everything and emotion was a weakness, a terrible vulnerability.
You understand that.
Of course he did. He knew that better than anyone.
‘I told you something,’ she continued stonily, not waiting for him to speak. ‘Now it’s your turn to tell me something.’
So it was, and he’d promised her. And who knew? Perhaps she would find his own weakness, his own loss of face, useful.
‘When I was captured, it took Adonis a week to find me,’ he said. ‘And every day for a week I held that capsule in my hand and thought about taking it. But I didn’t. Because I told myself that my brother needed me. I was his Defender and if I was gone, who would be left to defend him?’ He paused, back in the concrete cell they’d kept him in, which was oddly reminiscent of that room under the palace. With no food and no water, beaten every day. ‘But the truth was, I didn’t choose not totake that pill for Adonis. I didn’t take that pill because I wanted to prove my father wrong.’
The stiffness had bled out of her entirely, her gaze was glued to his. She was curious, that was clear. ‘Wrong about what?’
‘He thought I was weak,’ Xerxes said. ‘He gave me that pill because he thought I would break under torture.’ The beatings had been painful, the water deprivation worse, yet he’d endured. ‘So I didn’t take it. And I didn’t break. Not this time.’
Calista’s eyes widened. ‘What do you mean, “not this time”?’
The room under the palace. The bright light. The knife. The cigarette. He’d been terrified. He hadn’t known it was a test.
And he’d failed.
You were weak. You still are. Nothing can change that.
Yes, he’d been weak once. But not again. He knew the dangers now, wouldn’t fall into the same old traps. He would stay strong for his child’s sake.
‘Xerxes?’ She was frowning. ‘You saidnot this time.’
But he was done with the subject all of a sudden. He didn’t want to talk about this, and anyway, he’d meant to end the conversation before because she looked so shattered. He couldn’t think why he’d prolonged it.
He put his hands on the arms of his chair and pushed himself to his feet. ‘I think that’s enough for one day. Do you still want me to show you to your room? Or better yet, perhaps you’d like me to show you your bed?’
Her gaze turned measuring, as if she knew very well what he was doing. ‘You can show me to my room. But I’m not sleeping with you.’
He wanted to tell her that he hadn’t mentioned anything about sleeping, but he’d lost his taste for suggestive flirting. So all he said was, ‘Certainly. Follow me.’
She said nothing as she followed him into the house, up a couple of flights of stairs and down some of the light, airy corridors to the room he’d assigned to her, that was conveniently a couple of doors down from his.
