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Tom may refuse to face it, but I can’t hide from the truth any longer. Whatever small seed of darkness there is in me has rioted uncontrollably in my son like Japanese knotweed.
I’m torn between protecting him and protecting the worldfromhim.
And I’m coming to the dreadful realisation I can’t do both.
chapter 28
millie
There’s only one place I feel safe. In control. One place where I know who I am: wherebeingwho I am is a good thing, not a bad one.
The patient on my table is in his mid-sixties, a Catholic priest who was more afraid of dying when we met for his consult than one would expect, given his calling. An arterial switch operation is complex, but it’s a surgery I’ve done many times. I don’t expect any complications.
I start to cut. The familiar procedure is as soothing as a meditation: first expose the aorta and pulmonary arteries, and perform multiple cardiovascular cannulations in order to initiate a cardiopulmonary bypass. Transect the arteries and resect them together with a small patch of aorta. Implant the coronary arteries to the neo-aorta, formerly the main pulmonary artery, and switch the transected great vessels. Then shift the proximal transected pulmonary trunk posterior to the branch pulmonary arteries, and patch the proximal transected aorta at the site of coronary artery explantation. Finally, repair the atrial septal defect via a right atrial incision.
I work swiftly, and we finish ahead of schedule. Changing into a clean pair of scrubs, I head back up to the ICU to check on my patient.
‘Let me know if his conditionchanges,’ I tell my registrar.
For the rest of the day, I cut and sew, break ribs, stop and restart hearts, my powers undiminished. Whatever my failings as a mother, I am still God in my operating room.
It’s almost nightfall by the time I leave the hospital. Tomorrow will be another long day, starting with a heart transplant on a young athlete with heart failure brought on by dilated cardiomyopathy. A viral infection, probably, though the cause is uncertain. I can do nothing about the monster at home, but here I save lives.Here, I am a good person.
A shadow looms out of the darkness as I cross the car park.
‘Jesus Christ, Harper,’ I exclaim.
‘You didn’t answer my texts,’ she says.
I unlock my car and toss my bag onto the passenger seat. ‘You can’t keep coming to my place of work like this,’ I say.
‘It’s been almost a week,’ she says. ‘You told me you’d handle it.’
I roll my shoulders, too tired after a long day on my feet in theatre to play nice in the sandpit. ‘Back off, Harper.’
‘Do you have any idea how much I’ve got riding on this?’ she cries, grabbing the car door as I get in. ‘I pitched the entire new season of our show around this move, Millie! My sponsors will pull the plug if we don’t get things back on track. I won’t just be homeless, I’ll be out of a job!’
I don’t like the assertive way she calls meMillie,as if we’re friends.
‘I’ll deal with it,’ I snap. ‘I’ll let you know when it’s done. Please don’t come here again.’
‘Let’s hope I don’t have to,’ Harper says.
I watch her in my rearview mirror as I pull away. I neither trust nor like her, though anyone who can build a brand the way she’s done deserves respect. And the information she gave me about Felix may still prove useful. But I already regret getting into bed with her on this. The disconnect between her vlog persona and the woman waiting for me in the dark in the car park is disturbing. Her Instagram life is no more unreal than that of any other influencer who shows you only the bright, shiny bits of their Photoshopped life: frankly, if you’re foolish enough to believe it’s real, you deserve to be duped.
But Harper’s emotions are too close to the surface. She’s brittle and impulsive and unpredictable, and that makes her dangerous.
I pull up Stacey’s unanswered email from my inbox.OK, I type, before I can change my mind.I’ll do it.
kyperlife
harper admits she’s not OK
2,000,117 views453K2.4K
Wow, Kyper Nation! We just passed a really awesome milestone! Two million views! It means sosomuch to me, because it’s been such a difficult time recently, and knowing you’re all there supporting me and sharing my journey – seriously, guys, you just mean the world to me, you’re like my family, you know?
This whole situation with me and Kyle has been devastating and I’m super grateful for all your messages and support and all the love. Because sometimes it’s reallyhard,you know? There are all these negative voices out there and there are times I just want to run away and hide because I’m onlyhuman. We’re not meant to be breaking each other down, we’re meant to be building each other up, that’s what KyperLifeis about. And I know you guys will use your voices to support each other because your voices are the voices oftruthandhope.
