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two years and forty-two days missing
chapter 72
alex
‘Iamtelling you the truth,’ Harriet says.
My sister is sitting opposite me in Mum’s deckchair, across from the old stone bench. The sag of the chair is filled with wet leaves, and the bench is cold, but neither of us care. This isn’t a conversation we can have in the house, where Dad might overhear us.
‘Why should I believe you?’ I say.
‘Because it’s true. I don’t know what else to say.’ She spreads her hands. ‘I’ve told you everything, now. Why would I lie?’
‘Why did you liebefore?’ I say. ‘Not telling any of us you’d left Mungo is one thing. I think it’s crap, but OK. Maybe you really didn’t want to upset Mum. But all the rest of it?’ My voice rises. ‘You’re full of shit, Harriet.’
‘Sssh,’ Harriet says. ‘We don’t want Dad to come out.’
My anger suddenly leaches away. I stand up, wrapping my cardigan more tightly around myself, staring out at the small copse of trees behind my parents’ house. Harriet and I used to play for hours on end in the woods, building dens and treehouses, swinging on the tyre Dad had hung from an old oak tree, stuffing our faces with blackberries in the autumn until we made ourselves sick.
Back then, she was my best friend.
‘Every single morning,’ I say, ‘I wake up and there’s a moment, a split second, when I think it’s all been a terrible dream. A part of me wants to stay in that moment forever, and I’m finding it harder and harder to let go of the fantasy and come back to the real world.’ I turn back to face her. ‘I just abducted a child I thought was Lottie. Ikidnappedher. I’m on the edge, Harry! And you made me believe I’d imagined an entire conversation. You had me thinking I was going mad.’
She looks uncomfortable. ‘I never meant it to go this far.’
‘Yougaslightedme. How could you, Harriet?’
An odd expression passes across her face. ‘Igaslightedyou? I’ve spent my entire life being gaslighted by you!’
‘What does that—’
‘It means I grew up thinking I was stupid and dull, when the only thing wrong with me was that I wasn’tyou!Don’t pretend you didn’t know,’ Harriet adds, fiercely. ‘You loved being the centre of Mum and Dad’s world. You sucked up all the attention and they’d got nothing left for me. I had to move to the bloody Shetlands to get out from under your shadow. The last two years of Mum’s life have been entirely about you: you and your drama, you and your tragedy. It’s all weevertalked about. Mum never once called to ask howIwas doing.’
‘Jesus, Harriet! My daughter wasabducted!’
‘You think Ilikebeing this person?’ she cries, leaping to her feet. ‘Most of the time, I can’t bear to look myself in the mirror!’
I’m taken aback. I know she’s always felt left out, but I had no idea she was this jealous. Thisangry.
‘I didn’t tell Mum and Dad I’d left Mungo because I didn’t want them to be any more disappointed in me than they already are,’ she says. ‘Poor old Harry, can’t have kids, useless job, broken marriage.There’s no sinister explanation why I didn’t tell anyone about it, Alex! I just wanted a chance to lick my wounds for a bit before I had to face everyone, that’s all. I was waiting forthe right time to tell you, but then Lottie disappeared, and the right time never came. It wasn’t aboutyou,’ she adds, bitterly. ‘It’s not always about you.’
‘But why lie about where you were that day?’ I say. ‘Why pretend you were at home with Mungo? Wherewereyou?’
‘I don’t have to tell you everything!’
‘You do when it concerns my daughter!’
‘What kind of monster d’you think I am?’ Harriet demands. ‘Do you really think I hadanythingto do with what happened to Lottie? I love that little girl more than anyone!’
‘Maybe that’s the problem!’
We face each other, our breath coming in short, sharp pants that linger like smoke in the crisp air.
When Harriet speaks again, her tone is conciliatory. ‘Alex, I know you’re hurting, but this is crazy. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know how to begin to pull something like this off. Come on. This isn’t you—’
‘Did Aunt Julie help you? Is that how you did it?’
‘You’re sick, Alex. You need help.’
