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Only he continues like he didn’t hear me. “I am trying to be a bit more courteous, keeping the leash loose while I’m busy reorganizing the business. But make no mistake, if you push me, I’ll lock you in a spare room. Push me even harder and I’ll be the only person you will ever see, and my only use for you will be your tight cunt. But careful, there’s better pussy than yours out there, prettier women, skinnier, more attractive… I might just use that leash like a noose if you don’t behave.”
These men in my life… they only know betrayal. Cunning double-faced cunts, showing their true faces. His words cut in strange ways, different from my father’s, and just as the road before me sinks into darkness, my soul does too. I can see the color of it now—fury.
I can’t describe its shade, but this is it…
Fury.
“You seem so sure that this plan of yours will work. Father too. You confuse confidence for brains. This alliance is between you and him, not me. I shook no hand, signed no contract, I’m not yours. I’m not anyone’s. Strap your leash on someone else, because I’m not your fucking bitch.”
My headlights light up the road out of town, the dense forest surrounding me as Ryan’s unhinged laugh vibrates through my speakers, and suddenly his tone turns grave.
“You’re so brave over the phone. But we both know you crumble in front of me. It took a while to break you… but I think I’m there. Just in time.”
A shiver runs up my spine at those words. Months of little digs that turned into more than that… I can’t even describe how it happened, but it did. Always putting me down, criticizing, humiliating me, pressuring me… controlling me.
“Tell me. Which version of yourself will you be when my gun will be aimed at your father’s head?”
The shadows of the forest seem to come down at me, swallowing the glow of the headlights.
“How about when your mother looks down that barrel?”
Shit!He was fucking serious…“If you don’t, they all die.”
“What about your brother? Will you be as brave? Or will you crumble and beg at my feet to let them live?”
Goddamnit!
I slam my finger on the mute button and violently pound my hand against the steering wheel, the car swerving dangerously on angry curses.
“Son of a fucking bitch!!! He’s blackmailing me with my family’s lives?!” Another series of curses make my throat raw, but I unmute the phone before he starts believing I caved.
“They sold me off to you. What makes you think I fucking give a shit about them?!” I finally reply to him.
“Because you might fool everyone else with that harsh exterior of yours, but you don’t fool me. You still believe they’ll come around…”
I truly don’t.
“And…” he continues, “you wouldn’t want your brother to die, would you?”
I lied. Secretly, I do think he will come around. He’s my brother…
“Go ahead, motherfucker! We both know your threats of violence and death are as empty as your fucking skull. You won’t touch them, not now, not until you’ve set up whatever fucking business you have with them. We both know you can’t do shit right now.” I finish in a low tone, and the grunt I hear on the other side is answer enough.
So I hang up, floor the gas once more, the music returning to full blast as my pulse speeds on anxious beats.
“Fuck!”
I can feel the rush of blood in my veins, the pressure in my temples rising, my breathing staggered, my grip painful on the steering wheel.
“Goddamnit!!!”
I think…shit… I slow down the car and spot a forest road to the right, so I take the turn, the car making cruel noises on the uneven terrain. I press one hand on my chest, the pressure painful in my lungs, air not quite filling them.
I think…fuck, is this a panic attack or something? But I push through that uneasiness, dropping the beam of my headlights, the adrenaline rising when the visibility drops.
I drive deeper into the woods, my headlights the only light here, a slow modern Blues song beginning to blare through the speakers, and those notes… they do something to me. They reach somewhere deep under my skin, brushing softly over my muscles, and they begin to relax.
My tires skid on the gravelly road as I follow the turns through the forest, and I know… I’m gonna get lost. But fuck if I care, I need to be lost… I need to lose myself.
