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But the whole situation still really, really sucked.
No matter what I occupied my time with, my thoughts kept drifting back to the situation at hand. The guys had lost their egg donor. There would be no baby — at least for the time being — so they no longer needed a surrogate.
And that meant they no longer neededme.
Yet as awkward a situation as that put me in, I could only think of them. I felt horrible for them, especially with the four of us having gotten so close over the past several weeks. Aiden talked constantly about being a father. And Connor already had a laundry list of activities planned for their first son or daughter; one I’d laughingly joked would keep the child busy until he or she was at least thirty.
Even Elliot had opened up to me during dinner, explaining how he was looking forward to all the life’s changes a baby would bring. He planned to make time for his kids, and vowed not let the business interfere. I got the impression he’d missed out on some childhood experiences this way. That maybe his own mother or father had been absent for some very important milestones, and that work had something to do with that.
And now…
On the third night alone I got drunk, finishing an entire bottle of wine and making my way halfway through a second. Curled up in one corner of the couch, I closed my eyes. Opened my mind. The memories flowed easily, and instead of suppressing them as always I tried something different:
I dealt with them.
One by one I sorted them out, from the highs to the lows. From the bittersweet memories of my childhood through the troubled years that took over my life, accelerating it headlong toward the ultimate of catastrophes.
But I broke through, just as I had the first time, focusing on all new life, all new beginnings. I thought about why I’d joined the surrogate program in the first place. Most of all I considered why I’d stayed, all these years later. Because up until now… I never really knew.
The guys came home the next afternoon, dropping their things at the door. They looked bone-weary. Wholly exhausted. I hugged them one by one, welcoming them home, but also relishing how good they felt in my arms. Then, just as they went to shuffle off in different directions, I folded my arms across my chest.
“House meeting. Now.”
The words flowed from my chest, which was already tight. I felt it loosen almost immediately with the weight of my decision.
Aiden and Connor looked at each other in confusion. Elliot sniffed.
“Jordyn,” he sighed. “It’s been a long—”
“Myoffice,” I said simply, stomping my way down the hall. “All three of you.”
Nineteen
JORDYN
My office was really my living room, which of course wastheirliving room, and I was only borrowing it. But I needed home turf. For what I was about to do — or try to do — I needed to be in a familiar, comfortable place.
“Sit down,” I said, motioning them over to my couches. “Please.”
The three of them shrugged and sank down wearily, one by one by one. When I had their full attention I took the seat opposite them, folding my hands across my knees.
“Jordyn, what—”
“I haven’t really told you much about myself,” I began slowly, “although each of you has already asked. But you’ve only seen what I’ve wanted you to see. You only know what I’ve wanted you to know.”
Sitting down wasn’t working for me at all — my restless legs wouldn’t let me. I got up and began pacing the room almost immediately.
“The truth is, there’s a lot you don’t understand,” I said simply. “About why I’m here. Who I am. What I want.”
“You want to help us,” said Aiden. “That makes you selfless.”
“Does it?” I asked. “What if I wanted to help you because it would help me?”
Connor squinted back at me skeptically, his arms folded behind his head. “Helpyou…?”
“Yes,” I affirmed. “What if I told you I joined the surrogate program for selfish reasons? That it was a sort of a therapy for me. That I needed it… for a specific reason.”
“We’d tell you it doesn’t bother us one bit,” said Aiden, glancing to the others. “You’re still helping someone. Honestly we wouldn’t care if you did it just to put another check-mark on your bucket list over there.”
