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“Oh yeah?” I say, but I don’t think it’s with the enthusiasm he was expecting.
“I’ve just got off the phone with a scout from Colton U.” I sit a little straighter as his words register in my brain. “They’re interested in you next year.”
“For real?” Colton U has a pretty incredible team, although it’s in state and I was hoping I might be able to get a little further afield.
Although… my thoughts wander to Hadley and our baby.
Our baby.
It’s the first time I think of the huge elephant between us as that.
Fuck.
My heart begins to race as I start to picture what our future could look like. Am I capable of something as normal as that?
“Yeah, for real,” he mocks. “He wants to know if you’d be up for going to have a look around, meet him, see the team perform in a few weeks?”
“Uh…”
“This could be the break you need, Cole. This could be the beginning of the future you want.”
Something starts to tingle within me. Hope, maybe. It’s a weird feeling, one I’m not all that used to.
“But…”
“I know you had your sights set on moving as far away from here as possible. I know things are… unusual with James, but do you really want to move that far away from your brothers? From Hadley?”
My breathing falters at the mention of her. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that Coach didn’t know that something was going on between the two of us. It seems that gossip spreads just as quickly around Sterling Prep’s staff as it does its students.
“I don’t know,” I say on a sigh. “It might be worth a look, I guess.”
“That’s the spirit. What are Ace and Conner considering?”
“Um…” I hesitate, realizing that I have no idea. With all the bullshit that’s been swirling around us since we moved here, none of us have really had a conversation about what the future might look like for each of us. “I don’t know.”
“Well, maybe it’s time you all sat down and thought about it. You have got a bright future ahead of you, Cole. You just need to start believing in yourself and look at what’s to come, not what you’ve left behind.”
I nod despite the fact that he can’t see me.
“Think about it, yeah?”
“I-I will. Thank you.”
“Any time, Cole. Take a few days off to recharge, think about how you want your future to look, and we’ll talk about this again next week.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Cole. Try to enjoy it.”
“You too, Coach. T-thank you,” I say again, needing him to know that, although he drives me crazy riding my ass, I appreciate the time he’s taken out of his life to try to fix me. It’s more than most have.
As I lower my phone, thoughts of my future have me pulling it back up once again. I open my photo app and scroll through the couple of photos I have of Hadley and me together. I’m even smiling in a few of them. I look… different. I look almost happy.
Locking my cell, I shove it into my pocket and pick the bottle back up. I don’t deserve her. She’s destined for great things, not to be stuck with a fuck-up like me. My child doesn’t deserve to be stuck with me.
No matter how much I might crave her, how much my darkness needs the light she brings into my life, I care enough about her to know that I need to let her go, no matter how much it might kill me.
I spend most of the night down on the beach. I expect someone to come and find me eventually, but as the sun begins to rise over the horizon, I’m still alone.
