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I suck in a shaky breath. “He’s been texting me for a while,” I admit because there’s no use trying to withhold the truth now he knows. “I told him to stop and he did, for a little bit, but he just started again.”
Cole knocks me back into the wall, slamming his hand beside my head. “All this time you’ve been texting him?”
“He’s been texting me, Cole. Not the other way around.” I keep my voice even, knowing that if I argue, if I say the wrong thing, it’ll only make it worse.
His hand flies to my throat. Pinning me in place, Cole gets right in my face. “You played me, Little Dove. All this time you told me it was me you wanted, me you loved...”
“I do love you. I love you so much.”
“Enough to lie to me?”
“I didn’t lie. I just omitted the truth. But yeah, I’d lie to you if I thought it would protect you, if I thought it would prevent... this.”
I can already feel the wall growing between us. Cole is pulling away. He’s shielding himself from me, and I hate it.
Maybe you should have told him, a little voice whispers, but I ignore it.
Telling him would have only resulted in the same reaction, or worse.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I knew it would only make you angry. Tim is no one to me. I told him to stop texting and then I deleted his message. Just like I delete every message he sends.”
“Do you still want him?” Cole asks icily, his fingers squeezing harder. Not hard enough that I can’t breathe, but hard enough that it hurts. Tears sting my eyes.
“Cole, please, I didn’t—”
“I trusted you. I trusted you, Dove, and this... this is how you repay me?” he spits.
“You want to hurt me.”
Cole’s eyes flicker with surprise.
“You do, don’t you? You want to hurt me. So do it. Do it, Cole,” I snap, “because I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t lie, and I didn’t cheat. But I can’t control what other people do. Yes, Tim texted me. Yes, I replied, but only to tell him never to message me again. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this. I knew it would ruin the shaky trust we’ve built, and I’m sorry.”
“You drive me in-fucking-sane.” His teeth grind together. “And you’re right, I want to hurt you. I want to punish you for lying to me, for betraying me.” Cole presses his brow against mine, so hard my head bangs the wall. But I don’t whimper. I don’t even flinch.
Cole was never taught how to love, how to deal with his emotions. He needs this, the way a child needs to throw a tantrum to get their point across.
So long as he comes back to me, so long as after he’s doled out whatever punishment he thinks I deserve, Cole lets it go, I can deal.
I have to.
Because loving a boy with darkness in his soul requires a certain kind of love back.
His eyes burn into mine, dark and angry and volatile. I feel his body tremble as I gingerly fist his hoodie. “Make. It. Hurt.”
“Fuck...” he hisses sharply. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”
“Yeah, I do. You need this, Cole.”
“I-I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Yes, you do.”
He needs the control, the sense of power. And I just need him.
It’s a dangerous combination.
“Cole—”
