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She was told that his body was being flown back and was set to arrive within a few days, but was given little information on what to do other than that. Jess hadn’t a clue what to do. She had no idea whether he would want to be buried or cremated, and if he wanted to be buried, where. She was hoping for answers and went so far as to have Addison try to find his ex-wife, figuring maybe she knew and also to figure out where his daughter was buried, as this is where she figured he’d want to be.
The thing that happens when someone dies, Jess found, is that you think you’ll have all of this time to process it, but instead, there’s such a whirlwind of things that are happening around you and things that need to be taken care of that there isn’t time to deal with anything other than the task at hand.
It was too bad that Jess had spent so much time fretting over what to do because had she only known what would arrive three days later, she certainly could have and would have saved herself a ton of worry. Jess had been out walking Romeo around their property line when a UPS truck stopped to deliver a package. Jess signed for the box. She hadn’t been expecting anything, but once she saw the outside of the brown box, she knew.
She regarded the box as though maybe it contained a bomb or anthrax. She studied it. Her name and address were neatly written in Myles’s handwriting, and for a second, it was like nothing had happened at all—that he was still simply away, making his way back to her, a little more day by day. And when she looked at it like that, she considered that maybe it was true in some sense. Depending on what one believed about what happens after one dies, perhaps each day lived was one day closer to him in death. It was this thought that would carry her through in the months to come.
Jess immediately took the package back to her office and opened it. As she gently shook the contents out, she realized that the box held most of Myles’s personal belongings. She laid them out, one by one, on the bed where they’d spent so much time. Then she sat down on that bed, placed her head in her hands, and wept. When the tears quit falling, she lay down, wrapped herself in a t-shirt she’d so often remembered him wearing, and sobbed herself to sleep.
It was near dusk when she finally awoke to Romeo nudging her. He needed to go out. Jess opened the door to let him out and then eyed the contents that were splayed out on the bed once more before picking up the white envelope with her name written across it. She ran her fingers over it as she imagined where he was and what his expression might have been when he’d written it. The letters of her name were displayed in that same familiar handwriting that for so long had made her heart leap whenever she saw it. Now it was simply a heavy reminder of all that would be forever missing. She took a deep breath and heard his voice ring in her ear. Open it, Jessica. What are you waiting for?
Jess carefully opened the envelope and removed the letter. She unfolded it, sat down in the chair Myles had made for her, and read the final words he’d written to her.
Dear
Jessica,
They tell us to write these letters in the event of our death, and I’ve always found it quite silly to write down all of the things that one might never have to say. But then I met you. And to tell you the truth, there’s still so much I want to say to you that I don’t know how one letter could possibly ever contain it all. But then again, you know me. I’ve never been exactly heavy on the emotion, so while I’d like to write you a novel—hell, a series for that matter —sadly, this will have to be enough.
First things first, on the business side of death, there are a few things you need to take care of—I want to be cremated and half of my ashes buried next to my daughter. The information and address can be found on the back of this letter. As for the other half, I’d like for you to spread them at the beach house—when you are ready. Just don’t wait too long, Jess, you need to move on. I know your heart, and I don’t want you to be one of those people who hang on too long. I want you to let me go and know that by you going on, that’s where you’ll find me. No more than three months, okay?
I have money in an account that you are the beneficiary of. The details are also on the back of this letter. I want you to make that money mean something. Every penny you ever paid me is in that account. I had planned to give it all back, anyway. Once I fell in love with you, I never wanted a dime for working for you. I want you to know that I would have done it for free, and I guess in a sense I have—aside from the pain I caused you now, that is.
But speaking of that, you need to know I died doing what I loved. Military life is what I knew. It’s what made me who I am. And the brothers I’ve come to know here mean more to me than anything aside from you and my daughter. So, first and foremost, know that I died a happy man. How many people get to say that, Jess? Well, I did. And that’s really quite a beautiful thing. The Navy welcomed me when I had no one. It made me a man and it held me when I had nothing. I’m sure a huge part of you is and will be incredibly angry with me for going back in—now knowing the outcome. But I hope in time you will come to understand that I died being completely one hundred percent who I was meant to be.
That said... I realize doing so has hurt you, and Jonathan and Cat. The three of you have been everything to me over the past year. Having the opportunity to meet you and become a part of your lives will forever remain one of the highlights of mine. Other than having Hailey, loving you will always be one of the best things I ever did. And no matter how much time goes by or how short our time was together—I want you to know that for me it was real.
What we shared was what I would call the pure kind of love, Jessica. We came together two broken people, and it was our shared brokenness that made that kind of love so rare, and for a little while, it made us whole. I’ve been a lot of places and seen a lot of things, and I will tell you there is nothing more beautiful than that.
Helping you get clean was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. Now that I am gone, there is really only one choice you have to make, Jessica. Either, you can take what we had and expand on it or you can die right alongside with me. But know that if you do this, if you close yourself off, you are in essence letting the purity of what we had, and in a sense, our time together go to waste. Yes, our time was cut short. Yes, there should have been more—but if you care at all about me, you will promise me that you will not let it have been all for not.
I need my life to have meant something, beyond being a soldier who died serving his country. I need to go on in the world even though I’m not in it. And I know that you’re creative, you’ll figure out how to best make that happen. And most importantly, I trust that you won’t let me down.
Finish the book, Jess. And then write ten more. Tell your stories. Tell mine. Tell the stories of millions who can’t or won’t tell them themselves. Your words are what have kept me going when I was out here in the dark, fighting—waiting another day just to be closer to where you are.
From the very beginning, your words were my light when I strained to see. Take your pain, take my pain, take the joy, take it all—and put it into words. That’s how we go on, Jess. Just because I am gone doesn’t mean that what we had has to die, too.
I trust that you’ll keep going. You told me once that I saved your life, but I want you to know that, in many ways, you saved mine. You gave me hope when for so long I’d had none, hope that something amazing was waiting for me back home. Because you were my home. You gave me direction, a purpose beyond what I thought possible.
And I trust that you’ll keep the promises you made to me in that silly little contract I wrote once upon a time. I trust that you know that even if you hadn’t kept those promises—you know that I would have loved you anyway. It was always meant to be exactly as it was. Tell yourself that, Jessica. In the hard times, when you can’t sleep, when you’re missing me more than you ever thought possible. Tell yourself that and, one day, you might just find yourself surprised that you hear those words and feel joy. I never thought that anything good could ever come out of losing Hailey, but I was wrong, Jessica. There was you. And it was always meant to be the way it was.
Love,
M
P.S. Please give Jonathan and Kit Cat all my love and give them their letters when you feel the time is right. There is no rush. Trust your instinct. You are doing fine. You’ve always been stronger than you’ve given yourself credit for. I love you. And I know that you love me, too. If I had to go, and obviously, I did, there was nothing better than going knowing that.
Epilogue
The months following Myles’s death were probably the most horrendous of Jess’s life. Spencer’s trial began exactly four months to the day, and the only time that Jess stepped foot in the courtroom was when it was her turn to testify. She hadn’t wanted to testify for or against her husband, but in the end, relented as to further prove that she had no involvement in the mess that he’d created.
His lover testified that Spencer had planned her death for approximately six months prior to the time the accident took place. According to him, Spencer had outlined several ways of offing her, but ultimately, decided that a car accident was the least likely to get him busted. Looking back, Jess could connect the dots on things that were off during that time—more so than she did when she was living it. It’s ironic to her how accurate the saying ‘hindsight is twenty-twenty’ actually is. According to his lover, her now ex-husband ran through several methods of taking her out including poisoning her. When Jess later thought back on it, she could remember a time when Spencer insisted on making her morning smoothies before her yoga class and how sick she’d gotten once or twice. And how after that, she refused them all together to his insistence that she wasn’t getting the nutrients she required.
According to David Dewitt, the accident was orchestrated right down to the exact science of it and had been rehearsed several times. David testified that he was instructed to call Spencer's cell phone at midnight in order to allow him the opportunity to drop it—causing Jess to have to unbuckle and him to swerve to hit a tree. Apparently, he did not plan as far as her surviving, though somehow, by the grace of God, she did. There were a few doctors, and of course, Addison, who told the jury that while she was in the hospital in a coma he was a little more than insistent on removing her from life support in the days before she recovered enough to come out of it on her own.
In the end, Spencer pled not guilty, refusing all plea bargains, and received two life terms for attempted murder and embezzlement. Jess never did get a chance to discuss any of it with him. He denied her requests for visitation, but she did read a victim’s statement during the sentencing phase of the trial to make her feelings known. In the beginning, he wrote to the kids a few times, but his correspondence faded as quickly as his early days in prison turned to years.
Jonathan is currently away at Cambridge and was a published author at the ripe old age of sixteen. Catherine is finishing her senior year in high school and would be off to The Ballet Department at Indiana University in the fall. They are the most brilliant of young adults. Jess possibly couldn’t be more proud of where they are headed. Despite the trials and tribulations they faced, they are fighters, and her relationship with them is better than she could have ever imagined. There is an honesty and realness to it that perhaps wouldn’t have surfaced any other way, in spite of the hard times.
