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Amelie pulled her hair into a ponytail and continued. “I’m pretty sure it’s yours. I mean… not a hundred percent sure or anything. But pretty sure… and I wanted you to know.”
He put his hands over his face and rubbed at his eyes. “All right. Just let me think for a moment.” He exhaled and then sucked in as much air as he could. “This... this isn’t all bad. We can make this work.”
Amelie sighed. “I’m not going to have the baby, Jack.”
He swallowed. “What do you mean you’re not going to have the baby?”
“I’m not going to have the baby. I have an appointment on Thursday… to get an abortion.”
Jack felt his mouth drop. “What the fuck, Amelie?” He pointed toward her stomach. “That’s my kid in there, and you’re not even going to ask for my opinion on the matter?”
She looked away, out the passenger window.
“What in the hell did you come here for then?”
Amelie inhaled. By this point, she was crying. “I just wanted to see you. And I thought you should know...”
He threw up his hands, opened the door, and slammed it behind him. “You know what, Amelie? Fuck you!”
Later, after Jack had taken a walk and cooled down, he got back in the car and drove the two of them back to his apartment where they sat across from one another as if they were both daring the other to speak. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. Was he ready for this? What kind of father would he be? Nothing like his own, that was for sure. What would their baby look like? Like her, hopefully.
“You don’t have to do this,” he finally said. “We could raise this baby together.”
She grimaced. “You don’t really realize what you’re saying.”
Jack stood, walked over, and kneeled on the floor in front of her. He took her hands in his. “Yes, I do.”
She stared at their hands. “That’s funny considering we’re not even certain it’s yours.”
Jack lightly grabbed her chin and pulled it toward him, forcing her to look directly at his face. “I don’t care.”
She scoffed. “You say that now. But you have no idea…”
“I know that I love you. I know that I would love anything that’s a part of you.”
Amelie stared at his fingers as they traced the outline of her palm. “We both know that love isn’t enough. I mean, haven’t we learned anything here.”
Jack released her hand and backed away. “That’s bullshit and you know it! You don’t want love to be enough, do you? It’s you who doesn’t want this baby, Amelie. Not me. Remember that”
“You’re right. I don’t want this baby. Or any other baby. I don’t want kids. I really never have...”
He squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Well, I guess you should have considered that before. How did this happen, anyway? I thought you were on the pill?”
She straightened her back. “I was… I am. I guess I could’ve forgotten to take it a few times. I don’t know, Jack. What do you want me to say? Nothing’s one hundred percent… you know that.”
Jack pushed himself up off the floor and walked to the kitchen. “You wanna know what I know?” He pounded his fist on the counter. Jack felt the rage building, but he couldn’t push it back down, even if he’d wanted to. “I know that you don’t take shit seriously! You never have. This is all just a game to you! But you know what, Amelie? EVERYTHING isn’t about YOU. This is my life we’re talking about. This is our child’s life. Why did you come here? Why not just take care of it in France? Why even tell me? How fucking selfish of you. I mean, you had to know what I was going to say…”
Amelie wiped the tears on her face with the back of her hand, and then met his gaze head on. “You want the truth, Jack? I came here because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Vincent dumped me, and I didn’t want to go home and bother my mother with this because I didn’t think I could handle seeing yet another look of disappointment on her face. I came here because I thought you were my friend. Because I can count on you. So, you can yell and scream… and pound your fists all you want. But don’t think for one second I haven’t already done all of those same things. You want someone to blame? Fine, blame me. I can take it. You think I don’t already blame myself enough, as it is? Do you really think this is easy for me? I know exactly what I’m doing. You don’t have to remind me. Because believe me, I’m aware. I’m killing my kid, Jack. And it’s killing me. You act like this is all so simple. As though I’ll just pop this baby out and live happily ever after. But it doesn’t work like that. Do you have any idea how much having a baby will change my life? Every hope and every dream I’ve ever had will die, Jack. All of my career goals… gone. My life will never be my own again. And you’re right. I am selfish. But at the same time, I want you to look around. Look around at everything you’ve worked so hard for and consider how it would feel if you knew it was all for nothing. Consider what it would feel like to give it all up. To just quit and for the next eighteen years, at the very least, focus all your attention on something else. The truth is that won’t happen for you. It isn’t the same. It will happen for me though. Having this baby would mean sacrificing myself. Because that’s what motherhood is, Jack. Even in the best of circumstances, that’s what it is. But please, by all means, tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I can still live the life I want to live. Tell me I can travel the world. Tell me that attaining my dream job as a travel photographer would still be within reach… and I’ll say ok. I’ll have this baby. I’ll pay for my mistake. I’ll have it for no other reason than because it’s what you want. I’ll have it because we both know it would be doing the right thing. Excuse me, though, for posing this question… the right thing for whom? ”
Jack inhaled and slowly let it out. He didn’t know a lot about kids. But he knew just enough to know that he couldn’t honestly tell her what it was he so desperately wanted to say.
Jack and Amelie spent two days going back and forth over their situation but in the end, Jack realized she wasn’t going to change her mind. The night before the appointment, which Jack knew would change it all, they lay in bed, backs to one another, careful not to touch. He was so angry with her, and even angrier with himself that he couldn’t make her change her mind, and he worried that it would never be the same for the two of them. This was drawing a line in the sand, and it bothered him to think that they’d never recover once it was all said and done.
“I’m sorry, Jack,” she whispered in the dark. “If I thought I could do it, I would. I know it doesn’t make any difference, but I just want you to know that.”
Jack spoke menacingly. Slowly. To make sure he really drilled it in. “If you do this, Amelie. That’s it. I can’t be a part of whatever this is anymore.”
“I know.” She sighed, her answer catching him off guard.
