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“I don’t want you taking the baby around those people,” he tells me in the darkness. I’m so thankful to finally hear his voice that I forget to be angry. Also, it takes me a moment to comprehend what he’s said.
“What people?”
“Any of them. Anyone who isn’t a part of the church. Anyone I can’t be sure of.”
“Grant—” I say. “They’re my friends.”
He rolls over. I stare at his back. It’s familiar and foreign all at once. Maybe this is the way this is supposed to be. I wouldn’t know. All I know is suddenly there’s an invisible wall between us, and it’s growing taller. It’s become one I can’t breach. “I don’t care,” he sighs. “He’s my son.”
I sit up in bed.
“I know you’re tired,” I say. “But I think you’re overrea
cting.”
“I think you’re forgetting the agreement.”
“Fuck the agreement.”
My knees hit the hardwood floor. I feel wetness drip from my nose, and when it lands on my top lip, I know I’m bleeding.
Grant flips on the lamp. “Jesus, Josie.”
I scoot away as he rounds the bed. He reaches me, leans down and takes me by the chin. He carefully inspects my face. I let him. I don’t know to do anything different. He’s never hit me before. I can’t breathe. My vision is blurred. Finally, he exhales. “Well, at least it’s not broken. Just a small cut where my ring got you.”
When I can manage, I stand and start to throw my clothes in a bag. Mentally, I run down a list of items I’ll need for James. I’ve reached my underwear drawer when he grabs me by the hair. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Away,” I tell him through tears. I hadn’t realized I was crying. Anger buries emotion.
“You can’t leave,” he laughs. “Where would you go?”
I try to maneuver away. “Anywhere but here.”
“Look, Josie.” He holds his hands up. “I feel bad for grazing your nose. But it was dark. I couldn’t see.”
I cock my head.
His eyes plead with me. I see remorse where irritation once was. “I feel terrible,” he says, taking my hand in his. “But when you said that about the church— about everything I’ve worked so hard for—well, it was like you just obliterated everything we’ve built into nothing.”
I back away. Suddenly, distance seems like a good thing.
“Come to bed,” he says. “It’s late. If you still want to leave in the morning, go right ahead. But don’t drag our son out into the night just because you’re angry. Can’t you see I feel guilty enough already? Don’t use him to make me feel worse.”
“Josie,” Mel calls. “Perhaps you should lie down here instead.”
I wave her off. “I’m fine.”
“Well,” she says, handing me a bottle of water for the road. “If you’re sure.”
I wet my lips and focus on my breath. In and out. In and out. I inhale, stretching my arms out. They feel heavy. I roll my shoulders. She’s right. I should lie down. I feel sick.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I think the sushi I had last night may have been bad.”
She looks at me with concern. It’s mostly fake. She just wants me out of her house before she has a mess to clean up.
“You keep dozing off…”
I twist the cap off the water and take a sip. “Just dehydrated is all.”
