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She threw up in the green room just seconds before the production assistant came for her. She throws up every time she speaks; it’s so bad the acid has rotted out her teeth. Thankfully, veneers and good lighting hide the truth well.
Ali is in good company. They say that public speaking is the second greatest fear people have after dying. But that’s not why Ali is afraid. She loves people. She’ll have them eating out of her palm in no time. Ali knows that. The producers know that. The host knows that. Half the audience knows that.
But those people aren’t what worry Ali. It’s the other stuff. Lies that aren’t as easy to keep hidden. Lies that have to remain as such.
The lights and the music come up, and it’s go-time and Ali smiles for the camera. The host welcomes everyone in and then immediately gets down to business. Airtime is expensive, and she wastes none of it. Sarah Shepard isn’t the best. Ali knows this, and Sarah knows this. It’s apparent in the set of her jaw as she prattles on and on about Ali’s exhaustive list of accomplishments.
Ali smiles proudly but demurely, an expression she’s practiced for hours on end in front of the mirror. Facial expressions are important. It’s the difference between having someone trust you or not. Ali understands the magic of rapport. She knows words make up only 7 percent of communication. Voice quality makes up 38 percent. But physiology is by far the most important. It can be a matter of life or death. It’s not what you say or how you say it, but how you look while you’re saying it. A person’s physiology makes up 55 percent of what we communicate. Posture, gestures, eye contact, the way you breathe, the way you touch. These things can make or break a situation.
So while what Sarah Shepard is saying sounds good, Ali knows no one really cares. Viewers want confidence and understanding. They want empathy. They want to be armed with the knowledge that will get them what they want. They want her to tell themwhatto do andhowto do it. They want Ali to get to the point, to the meat of it, which is why at first when she speaks it will be in clipped sentences with a devious grin. She has something they want. And that something is transformation. They want it and they want it yesterday.
Sarah Shepard crosses her legs and gets a look in her eyes that Ali knows well.Sarah sits up a little straighter and goes for the kill.This is it.This is the money shot.
“So, Dr. Brown.” The camera zooms in on Ali’s face. “As a psychologist, I’m sure you’ve seen a lot.”
“People are complex, yes.”
“But you deal mainly with complexities related to sex, isn’t that right?”
“That’s correct.”
“What would you tell someone looking to, you know, spice things up in the bedroom?”
Ali smiles bigger this time. She knows how the ball has been teed up. She’s seen the interview questions. She knows how she’s expected to answer and what limits the network has set. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, green light. Anal play, menopause, vaginal dryness, off the table. If she can squeeze in the name of a network sponsor, then lube talk is admissible. Kink, unless it alludes to the mention of a certain novel which pays for advertising spots, is also off limits. In that case, it’s a gray area, safe when framed right.
Ali squares her shoulders and tilts her head slightly to the right. It’s her best angle and it conveys authority. “I would tell them it’s important to ask for what they want. Knowing what that is and communicating it in a direct and respectful manner are where a great sex life begins.”
The host nods slowly, like she’s taking it all in. Like Ali’s answer was the only probable response she could have given. “Don’t you think it’s important to have that conversation—or at least to start it—outside of the bedroom?”
“It’sveryimportant. Most things in relation to sex start outside the bedroom.”
Sarah Shepard smoothed her red hair, flipping it off her shoulder. The gesture and hair color make Ali think of her father, or rather the man who called himself that. The man who raised her. He hated redheads. He always said that if Ali had been a redhead, he would have left her at the hospital. At nine, Ali saved her three months of allowance for hair dye. She believed that if she changed herself into something he despised, he would leave her alone. Turned out, that was just another of his lies.
“Easy for you to say, looking like that,” Sarah motions. “But what do you say to all the women out there watching who don’t have hair and makeup teams to make them look like you do? What do you say to all the exhausted moms watching in sweatpants while folding laundry?”
Ali swallows. This isn’t a question that was on the list. “I tell them to take a shower and greet their partner at the door. Maybe skip the drying off part. To save time.”
“But you said it starts outside the bedroom.”
Ali nods. “Exactly.”
When the canned laughter fades, Sarah Shepard changes direction. “You’re known for using less conventional methods of teaching your clients about sex, aren’t you, Dr. Brown?”
This question was also not on the interview sheet. Ali shoots her shot anyway. “Convention can be hard to define,” she says. “And it’s different around the world.” Ali smiles for the camera, but she knows what she’s saying isn’t true. Convention in public is very easy to define. Behind closed doors, not so much.
“How would you say it’s different? Around the world.”
Sarah Shepard wants her to pit certain countries against one another, making one good, the other bad. Ali refuses the bait. “There are certain parts of the world that are more open toward sex, where it’s talked about a little more freely.”
“In the Western world that’s not the case though, is it?”
“We talk about it in different ways. Through art and film, for example. But not so much directly, yes.”
“In your seminars you’re well-known for simulating sex with fruit.” The host turns and watches the screen behind her where a clip of Ali presentingForeplay is f*kingfunplays.
In the clip, played solely for the studio audience, a volunteer at one of her seminars simulates oral sex with a banana. The camera records the reactions of the audience, flashing from person to person as they laugh and shake their heads. Some look away. Those who don't, their eyes widen as the clip pans to a shot of Ali using grapefruit to show ways to please a woman.
“It works,” Ali says with a shrug when the clip finishes. “As you can see.”
