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Chapter Twenty-One
Grace
After that conversation, Elizabeth sulks for several days and for good reason.I let her down, and it doesn’t make me feel good either.At the end of the day, I let everyone down.Joy has yet to be seen, and it’s been nearly a week.No one even knows whether she’s alive or if she’s even still on the premises.They could have sent her to jail for her actions, and while I know little about prison, I know enough to know that a person like Joy wouldn’t last a minute.
This, combined with Elizabeth’s cold shoulder, means I sink to a new low.I can’t see a way forwardora way out.I can’t imagine a world in which this situation just works itself out.The only way that might be possible would be if Charles were to show up, but that hasn’t happened, and the longer I’m here, the more I can see that something isn’t adding up.
My in-laws know where I am.They have Phillip.If Charles was okay, he would have gone to his parents.They would have told him where I am.They would know where my children are.This whole misunderstanding would have been cleared up by now.
But none of those things have happened, and I’m coming to the understanding that I have to ask myself why.Was my life a lie?Is Charles on the run?Is he alive?Would he have put the children in danger?
Once upon a time, I would have said no way.Not a chance.
But the longer I’m here, the more I understand that I actually know nothing.
At night I lie there, thinking.The way I see it, I have two choices.I can either use the pills to kill myself, just as soon as I gather more for my collection,orI’m going to have to find a way out of here.On one hand, that seems impossible, on the other I think where there’s a will, there’s a way.
All I know is that with each day that passes, I am further and further away from seeing my family again.I am further and further away from freedom.How long can a person hold out hope?
Not to mention, now that I know what Dr.Branson wants from me, I am one hundred percent certain that I cannot be subjected to that again.Not ever.
The decision between hydrotherapy or shock therapy or performing fellatio is not a decision at all.He was so smooth in the way he went about it.As a sort of “pick your punishment.”
I understand now that this has been going on with Elizabeth.This horrific abuse.A part of me knew.Deep down, I knew.Even before she told me.
What I haven’t yet figured out is whether she set me up by suggesting I flirt with Dr.Branson in order to gain privileges.It seems to me, knowing what she knows, that she was aware that would be playing with fire.It was certainly opening a can of worms that I never would have opened had I known.
Was she hoping it would take some of the attention off her?
Yesterday, in our session, after I selected what I thought was the less terrible of all the “therapies,” as he likes to call them, Dr.Branson made me allow him to hold me, while he caressed my face.I wanted to kill him, and I actually sat there contemplating all the ways I would go about it.The easiest option would be to slip him the pills, but what then?
“Would you like to see a picture of Phillip, Grace?”he asked, stroking my hair.“I think I can arrange that.”
My head snapped up.I reacted more than I wished I had later when I thought the whole thing through.“That would be nice,” I said.
“I could get in a lot of trouble, you know.With the police.I don’t think they’d like it very much.”
His lies don’t make sense.Why would the cops care whether I looked at a photograph of my child?I know they’re eager to solve the case.Theyneedto solve the case.It reflects badly on the department.It makes them look inept.“I won’t tell anyone.”
“You’ll have to provide me with something in return.”
“Okay.”I knew what he was asking, and I also knew that I was going to sleep with him if it meant getting an update or a photo of Phillip.It was sad and pathetic, but I didn’t know anything else that would keep me going.And for Phillip’s sake, I need to keep going.
“Go take a look at yourself in the mirror,” he said.“Make sure everything is in order before I send you back to your room.”
I did as he asked, and I didn’t like what I saw.A lost woman, a woman with vacant eyes and a hollowed out soul.I didn’t know how I’d ever come back from this.
Dr.Branson must have sensed how I felt because he said, “I don’t want to give you any false hope, but if we can get you to a good place, maybe we can arrange a visit.”
I know it’s probably a lie, but I also know that if it means seeing my child, I’d do anything.Unfortunately, he knows that too.
“We’re making so much progress, Grace.I think you’re going to be very pleased.”
I realize in that moment he has just told me the biggest lie of all.I also realize that I have now given him a reason to have a vested interest in keeping mehere, not in helping me get out.
Later, back in the room, Elizabeth seemed perkier than normal.Was it for my benefit?What did she know?
“Why do you keep coming back?”I asked her.“You’ve gotten out before.Help me make it make sense.”
“Oh, Grace,” she said with the flick of her wrist.“You’re so privileged.You have no idea that there are far worse things out there than in here.”
