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Chapter Thirty-Nine
Grace
We pull into the drive, and I am a little surprised that everything looks exactly how it looked before.It just doesn’tfeelthat way.Alice takes me to the house, and I go straight to the kitchen.She settles the children and then joins me as I stumble around in the dark, unable to find matches to light the gas oven.I begin to lose my bearings.I feel myself crumbling.I feel weeks of uncertainty, of grief or terror, bubbling to the surface, ready to be released, like a volcano about to blow.I fear a storm brewing, and I feel powerless to stop it.It doesn’t make any sense.I am supposed to be happy.But that’s not at all how I feel.
“What do you want me to do?”Alice asks.
“Find matches!”I scream.
She looks at me like I am an alien.Like I am someone she thought she knew, but has realized she’d been mistaken.“I’m sorry,” I say, running my palms over the counter.The surface is rough, like the sharp teeth of a saw.It’s dirty, filled with dust.
“It’s okay.”
I take the burning cigarette from Alice’s hand, put it to my lips and take a long drag.I am not a smoker, but I need this cigarette more than I’ve ever needed anything.Blowing smoke in the air, I tell Alice, “I didn’t expect that coming home would feel like this.”
She says nothing, and I get the feeling she doesn’t know whattosay.Elizabeth would have known, and I feel myself missing her deeply.
I had expected everything to unfold perfectly, but instead it’s like this.
I remembered reading an article in the newspaper about the soldier’s journey.It chronicled several homecomings.The men were interviewed about what it felt like coming home after war.It seems shallow and off color to compare myself to someone who’d actually fought a war, but I don’t know how else to describe it.That’s how it feels.Like nothing is the same as before, like I don’t know what to do with myself in this new reality.Like I’m not sure whether to be happy or terribly sad.
I don’t have time to decide, because just then our phone rings.
“You could make all this go away,” says a strange woman’s voice.“Just by dropping the charges.”
“What charges?”I ask.“Who is this?”
She doesn’t answer, not at first, but somehow I know what charges she is referring to.
“Someone close to the people the police are investigating.If you drop the charges, there’s money.An awful lot of money.”
“What people?”
“I can’t tell you that.But think about it.”
“I don’t need to think about it.I’m going to the police.”
“They’re the ones with all the evidence, remember?”
“Please do not call here again.”
“Just remember, Grace.Those who speak the truth rarely speak it long.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“Of course not.All I’m saying is, think about it.And remember, it's a lot of money.”
Before I can respond, the phone goes dead.
Instantly, Alice is by my side.Her face is pale, so I know she understands.
“Who was it?”
“A woman.I don’t know.”
“What did she say?”
“Something about someone close to the people they're investigating.I don’t know.”I am still holding the dead phone.
