AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Oh God, shut up, will you?” she said, laughing. “I have to get brain cancer to get a flat gut. I’d rather be fat.”
“You weren’t fat,” he said, helping her step into her jeans. “I just want that tumor gone so you can eat again. Going out to eat is the one thing we love doing, and now it makes you sick.”
“Okay, well, that sounds like a good goal. Get rid of the tumor so I can eat again without getting sick.”
Once they were home, Ryan got her situated in her chair so she could call her parents with the news. They lived in northern California, but her mother was retired and would come down right away to be there when she had the biopsy and to help out as much as she could.
In their bedroom, he called his mother to see if she could help with appointments if he was unable to take Caroline because of work. The reality of what they were about to confront pounded in his brain. His wife was fighting for her life. All the synonyms for war fit what she’d face in the coming months: battle with cancer, at war with the brain tumor. Weapons against cancer. It made him physically ill, and with the waves of fear came anger.
“What are you doing in here all alone?”
He looked up from his perch on the edge of the bed, phone in his hands. “I just called my mom. Ed and Ruth will help with appointments if I’m unable to take you. At least I’ll be able to come to see you while you’re having treatments. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, but I need to have certain things lined up or I’ll make us crazy.”
She sat down next to him and took his hands, kissing him. “We’ll figure it out, Ryan. My mom is coming tomorrow. I’ll get her an Uber, so don’t worry about it. Until I have the biopsy and the diagnosis is confirmed, you might as well go to work every day.”
“I wish they’d call with an OR time,” Ryan said, starting to obsess.
“Do you wanna make love?” she whispered in his ear.
“Always, if you’re up to it,” he answered, holding her.
So that set a pattern, later they’d say it was the best thing they could have done. When there were questions they had no answers for, they’d have sex. If she didn’t feel well enough to eat, they’d get into bed and work up an appetite. Even with her mother there, if they wanted to be alone, they excused themselves and went to the privacy of their room for lovemaking. He became addicted to having sex with her as a balm for every aggravation.
The biopsy confirmed the diagnosis and also that surgery was imperative. After she had surgery, she had daily radiation for weeks and then six months of chemotherapy.
Walking around in a daze, Ryan went to work when he wasn’t needed at home. When she was in the hospital, he worked and visited her during his breaks and lunch and after work, often existing on less than five hours of sleep a night.
By Christmas of the following year, she began to have seizures, and another MRI confirmed that in spite of the treatments, the cancer had spread to other parts of her brain, including her brainstem. It was just a matter of time.
“We have to discuss the end, Ryan. I know you don’t want to, but I have things I want to say to you if you’ll just listen.”
He knew he was being selfish by not wanting to talk about her dying. He had to stay in denial to survive. But she wasn’t going to allow that.
“Okay, I guess you want to talk about it no matter what I want.”
“I do, sweetheart. I want you to go on living after I’m gone. I’m so worried about you.”
“Don’t, Caroline. I’ll deal with it. I love you more than anything, and I can’t even think about you not being here.”
“I want you to be okay though. Please listen to me. Find someone else—”
“Oh god, please don’t talk about that. I don’t want anyone else.”
“You’re young, Ryan. You can’t go on alone. And I want you to have a life. You do it in your own time, but know when it happens that it will make me happy. You’re so wonderful. You’ve been the best husband. I almost knew it was too good to be true. I knew it couldn’t last forever.”
Finally, unable to stand the thought of leaving her alone because he had to keep working, their house in Scripps Ranch became a home away from home for Caroline’s siblings and their spouses and children. Her mother and father moved into one of the guest rooms, taking over all the duties he heretofore did, or was in the process of doing. The landscaping never looked better, and a year later, all of their wedding gifts were finally opened, put away and thank-you cards written.
Knowing she was taken care of was great, but in some ways it turned out to be detrimental, as it allowed him to withdraw. Each day, Ryan retreated further into oblivion, barely making it to work, supported and comforted by his loyal coworkers, but still expected to give anesthesia case after case. Minimally, he was able to keep focus on the patients and keep them safe and didn’t kill anyone.
Caroline was awake for shorter periods of time each day, until that last day, she made eye contact with him, said, “I love you,” and never spoke again.
The hospice nurse warned Ryan he’d better stay home.
“She’s Cheyne-Stoking,” the nurse said. “I’ll call her doctor now. It won’t be much longer. You can allow her family in to say goodbye to her as you want. But it’s up to you. I’m not sure how much she understands, but her hearing might still be intact.”
Three hours later, she died. Ryan sat in a chair at the bedside and didn’t move for hours. The undertakers arrived, and he said his final goodbyes. He understood why some cultures kept the body around for a while. He knew she wasn’t there, but she was. It was difficult to explain.
His father held him when the body went out the front door. His mother and Caroline’s older sister, Gloria, stripped the bed and made it up again so he could sleep when he got around to it.
