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I wasn’t sure if Pam exaggerated her tense relationship with Lisa, but I could see that having Pam around too much might be a bit trying. “I’ll text you when I’m ready to leave.”
I decided that moment that I wasn’t returning to New York Medical Center.
***
I left a message for Eimy, who hadn’t called me about my father. She returned my call, hysterical, apologizing for allowing Myrla to take care of the baby at her apartment. As upset as I was, I couldn’t let her take the blame.
“It’s not your fault. It’s not Myrla’s fault. It’s the judge who let that kidnapper out on bail who’s at fault. Do you have any idea where he might have taken Yasmine?”
“He’s from Mexico City,” she cried. “If he had a three-day start, he’s probably down there now. The only comfort I have is knowing his mother might have the baby, and if that’s the case, she’ll be okay. She was like a crazy woman, she was so excited when Yasmine was born, calling me constantly, wanting to FaceTime with us.”
I let her talk, and finally she mentioned Randy. “And I’m so sorry! I can’t believe he’s gone.” Renewed grief gave way to tears, and she sobbed in my ear. “Peter already called me to let me know I still have the job, and of course I don’t want to think about that now, but what else am I going to do? No baby means no nanny, but I have to work. I can’t give up.”
“No, of course not. You must keep moving to stay alive, I can see that now,” I said, wiping tears off my face.
That sweet little baby. A fresh wave of anger hit me; if I had taken care of the baby, it might have never happened. But it might have, and I’d be the dead one. That made me sick.
“I’m so sorry, Eimy. So sorry.”
We said goodbye, not making promises to stay in touch. Truthfully, I never wanted to hear from her again, but I knew that was just anger talking. I felt sorry for her.
***
I left the job early and packed up what I could take in my trunk. I was able to squeeze in most of my personal stuff that I had brought from Chicago. I texted Pam that I would be at her house by seven.
That night, the weather was milder than it had been in a while, and we ate dinner on the veranda with the firepit going. It was toasty out there, and with the curtains open, we could see the reflection of moonlight on the water, like a band of gold running from the horizon to the beach.
“When I was in college, I dreamed of having a life like this,” I said. “My roommates had different lives than I did. Wealthy parents, no money concerns. I worried where every dime would come from for the five years I was there. I finished an eighteen-month criminal justice master’s program in under a year just so I could do it as cheaply as possible.
“When my mother told me about Randy, about his wealth, I wanted to strangle her. She deprived me of a relationship with my father because she was jealous. Now I’ll never have the relationship with him I could have had. I should have gone to Taiwan with him.”
Pam patted my hand. “I regret not going, too. I regret being mean to him about going. It wasn’t a slight against me. He wanted to go, and I was trying to control him by withdrawing my love and support. The only positive I have is that we had phone sex the night before.”
My fork was poised to go into my mouth when she said that, and it took all my self-control not to burst into laughter. “Well, I’m glad for you.”
“Yes. We had a great chat afterward, and all was well. Only it wasn’t. But you know what? I’m sure if he knew you and I were together, he’d be so happy.”
“Because of you and Randy, I’m going to have the life I dreamed about when I was in college.”
“I’m so happy, and I know Randy would be happy, too.”
The next day, I dragged Pam out to shop for furniture. She referred to herself as the Widow Braddock and laughed about it.
“I’m sick in the head,” she said, frowning. “Just ignore me.”
“Why am I making you furniture shop when you’re grieving?” I asked, feeling selfish and uncaring.
“I’m used to this,” she said. “I do better if I stay busy.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too, Laura. I never thought I’d bury another husband.”
The cleaning people had transformed the smelly cottage into a livable albeit shabby place. I had a new mattress, new bedding, a new couch, new appliances, and enough lamps that I wasn’t in a black void after the sun set.
I was also in a state of grief over losing Randy that I had never expected. The anger at my mother was unrelenting. I chose then to seek help; a therapist would guide me as I worked through the issue.
I saw Pam on the beach with her dogs. Something between us had shifted in the past week as I had begun the transition of moving out of the apartment my father had given me and into the beach cottage. I think my usual introverted, reclusive personality was adjusting to living near family.
