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All of us are feeling it, and I silently swear to myself that when we find her, I’m going to hold on tight and refuse to let go.
She’sours.
She belongs with us, no matter what she might be feeling right now.
Knox comes back from the basement as we regroup in the living room, and for a moment, the room is totally silent.
“Goddammit!” Knox explodes, cutting into the quiet. “Where the fuck is she? What if she’s hurt?”
“Don’t fucking say that,” Ash snaps back. “She’sfine. She has to be fine. Shit.”
Knox doesn’t even answer him. He grinds his teeth and clenches his jaw, and then when the anger gets to be too much for him to hold back, he hauls off and punches right through the living room wall, leaving a hole where he hit.
Ash just keeps muttering to himself, cursing under his breath like that’s going to do something to help. Maybe it helps him, since his hands are empty and he doesn’t have anything to fidget with while we try to get to the bottom of this.
Priest looks fucked up, standing still as a statue and not really paying attention to the rest of us. His eyes snap with anger and pain, and his face is set in harsh lines. For once, he’s not making any effort to control himself, just letting the pain practically surge out of him.
It’s gotta be hard for him right now. We talked about Jade earlier, and now River is missing. I can imagine the places his mind is going to with that worry for River and the feeling of letting her down.
I’m only just barely keeping my own rage under control. I want to hit something, but that won’t really help. I’m not even angry at River for leaving.
No, this rage is at the world that hurt her.
The world that willstillhurt her if it gets the chance.
She’s a warrior through and through, and I still believe that, even if she’s hurting right now. But it’s also true that she’s in a vulnerable state and not thinking clearly. Probably unarmed and dazed, wherever she is.
It would be easy for someone to hurt her like this. Easy for anything to happen, and I don’t want to take that chance.
“We’ll find her,” I tell them. “We’ll go find her.”
I’m not about to sit around and wait for her to come back when there’s a chance that maybe she won’t.
“Knox, come with me. Ash, Priest, you two stay here in case she comes back.”
If the other two want to argue that they should come too, they at least don’t waste their breath. They know it’s more important for people to be here in case River comes back on her own.
Ash nods and swallows hard, looking like he’s trying to get himself back under control. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Bring her back,” Priest rasps. His voice is tight and choked, as if he’s holding back a tidal wave of emotion by sheer force of will. Like he’s holding on by a thread.
I nod. I want to promise him that I’ll do it, that we won’t come back without her, but we all know there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to keep that kind of promise.
Because shit happens. Life is cruel, harsh, and unfair, and all four of us know that truth better than most people.
All we can do is hope for the best, which isn’t comforting at all.
Knox is already moving toward the front door, pausing to put his shoes on and then leaving the door open as he steps out into the driveway.
I follow along behind him, closing the door behind us.
“She didn’t take her car,” he mutters, catching my attention.
“What?”
He nods to the pile of rust and engine problems that River insists on driving, still parked in the driveway behind Ash’s car.
Shit. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse.
