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Most of what I remember from back then is a void. The dark nothing where Jade used to be.
Even thinking about it now makes the ragged edges of that wound ache. It’s healed a little, enough that it’s not always fresh and gaping, throbbing with trauma and pain the way it used to constantly, but I know that it’s always going to hurt.
It’ll never be fully healed.
Most likely, it’ll be the same for River. She was on her mission to kill the six men on her list because of what they did to her and her sister, and even years after it happened, she still wanted revenge because the pain was still there.
Now there’s this new wound layered on top of that, and it will just compound the whole fucking thing.
Something in me aches for her, and I try to think of a useful answer to Ash’s question, because I know we’ll need to have some kind of a plan to help River in the days to come. We need to do something so that we don’t lose her to the darkness.
Bracing myself, I open up the dead, closed-off part of my heart, allowing myself to experience that old pain almost like it’s new.
As I do, I remember how all-encompassing it felt. How it made it hard to see anything else. It blocked out my vision, my happy memories, making it so all I could feel was the loss. And every time I was alone, with nothing else to do and no outlet for my energy, it crept in a little more, trying to take me down with it.
I remember that very well.
There was always something that pulled me back from the brink of total ruin, though. Something else I could focus on, something that gave me the kind of purpose I needed to keep moving.
And when I think about it now, I realize what it was.
I hadthem.
My brothers.
In the immediate aftermath of Jade’s death, I had Knox by my side. He was the one who helped me get my revenge on the men who had killed her. And not long after that, we fell in with Ash and Gage.
If I hadn’t had the other Kings in my life, I wouldn’t have made it back out of my darkness. I know that for a fact.
“It was you,” I tell Ash, glancing up at him. “All of you.”
Ash frowns, furrowing his brow in confusion. “But we didn’t really do anything. Gage and I didn’t, anyway.”
“You didn’t have to do anything,” I tell him. “You were just… there.” I look at all of them in turn. “You were there for me, and I knew you always would be, and that was enough to keep me from losing myself completely. That’s what we have to do for River. Hollow words and trying to fix her aren’t going to help. She’s hurting, and it’s a kind of pain we can’t even touch. We just have to make sure she knows that we’re here for her. No matter what.”
They all nod, and it’s clear that my words have taken away a little of their worry. At least enough that they can see a way forward.
Ash looks determined, like he’s never going to let River know loneliness another day in her life.
Gage looks furious, like he wants to find the cartel members and Julian and everyone who ever laid a hand on her and make them wish they were never born.
Knox has that look on his face as if he’s mentally going through his list of “toys” and planning ways to use them on anyone who hurts River.
It helps to see them all so protective of her. I can feel the same urge to take care of her burning in my own chest. I won’t allow her to ever suffer the way Jade suffered, and knowing my brothers will have my back in that goal eases the tight knot in my stomach.
I still feel uneasy, though. Still on edge and unsure of what to do about it.
River is just upstairs, but she seems far away. The fact that I can’t see her just adds to the agitation in my chest and the unsettled feeling spreading out to my limbs.
The house is secure, and anyone who broke in to try to hurt her would be in for a rude fucking awakening, but still.
I want to be near her.
I need to be able to see that she’s okay.
So I slip out of the kitchen while the others are talking and go back upstairs.
Her room is growing darker as evening turns closer to true night, and she’s right where we left her on her bed. She’s shifted a little in her sleep, curled up on one side, almost in the fetal position.
I can only imagine how tired she must be after everything that happened today. It was supposed to be a triumph, this plan. It was supposed to end with her sister and her sister’s little boy free of Julian.
Instead, there’s just death hanging over everything like a shadow, and the shattered remnants of River’s heart to put back together.
I watch her for a little while, taking in the matted mess of her hair and the way the light from the streetlights outside cast shadows on her skin, making her tattoos look almost like wounds in the darkness.
She huffs out a small breath, and I finally cross to the bed. I toe my shoes off and lie down with her, and something in me settles a bit just from being close to her.
River needs her rest, so I won’t disturb her. But I hope she can feel that she’s not alone, that she’s safe and I’m here for her, no matter what.
We all are.
