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Gemma glances at one of the dead Xiphos. “They don’t have asses. Their bodies just kinda split into legs.”
“Girl, you know what I meant.” Titus shakes his head.
I need to get these people out of here, especially Carson and Gemma who have a small boy waiting for them. I glance over at them and they’re staring into each other’s eyes. Maybe it’s true what some people say about love at first sight. She does seem calmer around him.
Knowing the bad aliens will just abduct more people, makes my decision easy.
I hold my frozen sword up. “Let’s take the ship.”
Chapter Twenty-four
The Bridge
It’s so ridiculous, I have to fight the urge to laugh on the march down the shiny, silvery hall.
Here I am on board a flying saucer, barefoot in a Hulk Hogan T-shirt and cargo shorts, carrying an ice sword, on my way to storm the bridge and take on an army of space aliens wielding guns that look like cheap adult toys. If Ron Jeremy shows up, I’m done. At that point, I’ll know this is a messed-up dream.
Unfortunately for me, the odds of this being a dream, a simulated reality, or something way more bizarre, are pretty low. Yet, here I am, basically Captain Jane Sparrow about to mutiny theBlack Pearl.
Most things on this ship look like mirrors, or are plain white. Can’t tell if it’s a product of aesthetic choice or if they’re too lazy to bother painting anything. Maybe they’re emotionless and have no use for trivialities like decoration. I’m being too critical. Human military ships tend to be pretty bland, but at least they paint them grey, not leave bare metal all over the place.
Anyway… I have a bridge to take over.
According to Xaan, the ship is, indeed, round. The hallway we’re following is the main one that goes around in a circle between a layer of outer-edge rooms (mostly laboratories and storage) and the interior core, which contains the Xiphos’ living quarters. Four passageways lead from the ring corridor into the middle. The bridge is accessed via an elevator at the very center of this level. The deck below us houses all the engineering and technical stuff. Above us is the dome, the bridge, which takes up the entirety of the small third floor.
We’re going to emerge in the middle of the area, surrounded by Xiphos aliens. They know we’re coming. I picture a dozen tall, skinny grey beings taking cover behind workstations, all pointing their laser dongs at the hole in the floor where we’ll come up. I’ve never been shot by an alien ray gun before. Not sure how dangerous it could be. Depends on its mode of action. Total disintegrationwillbe the end of me. Like, if an immortal went swimming in lava or powerful acid, we’d be done. There’s a point, too, where physical damage goes beyond healing. For example, if a steamroller flattened me into a thin layer of slime, I’d be gone for good. Liquefication is pretty much game over, even for immortals.
They are plasma weapons,says Xaan.
The image that forms in my mind after his words reminds me of the moviePredator.The little cannon on the alien’s shoulder that fired a glob of bright energy. In the movie, one shot hollowed out a big man’s entire torso cavity.
Xaan’s eyes widen.Not that powerful. If they use full power, the weapons will create a charred tunnel through your body about the size of your arm.
Fist-sized holes through my body sound like a major ouchie, especially if the edges are smoldering. Too many of them might be deadly, but a few shots sound survivable—though so painful, I’d probably prefer obliteration.
Right. New plan: do not let them shoot me.
Xaan’s eyes become perfect circles. I think that’s him staring at me in disbelief at me thinking of such an injury as ‘really annoying’ rather than instantly fatal.
I have two advantages. One: the aliens are not going to expect me to be as fast and strong as I am. Two: so far, I haven’t seen any of them carrying blades. True, a gun (or laser wand) can best a sword easily at long range. But if I’m in their face? Not so much. All I need to do is get close enough and they’re basically defenseless.
Not to sound insulting, but Xaan is not built for combat. He won’t be going up to the bridge until after we secure it. His direct help came in the form of showing Velma, Meredith, and Gemma how to use the alien weaponry. Apparently, the devices respond to mental impulse and fire when the person (or alien) holding it wants it to go off. No trigger, no button, just point it at something and think about plasma. The unfortunately rude shape is a product of simplicity. All inappropriateness comes purely from human thoughts.
Gemma can barely look at the thing without blushing. Velma is still trying not to laugh.
We decided the ladies should wield the… devices for two reasons. One, this particular group of guys seem more capable in a fistfight. Two, handing men laser weapons shaped like private parts would set off an endless cascade of inappropriate dick jokes. I’d rather not deal with that on top of everything else.
Our plan is pretty simple. Kingsley and I are going to take the bridge. Everyone else will wait downstairs by the elevator and deal with any stray aliens coming from other parts of the ship. Xaan thinks there aren’t too many of them. Considering the seven we already killed or rendered unconscious, his estimate puts the remaining Xiphos threat at four or five on the bridge and two, maybe three who might come up from the engineering level.
Oh, and Xaan is going back to the two unconscious Xiphos scientist in the laboratory to give them a taste of their own medicine: seal them up in one of those pods intended for humans. Better than prison.
As an added benefit, I don’t really care if the aliens see us doing crazy supernatural stuff. It’s not like they’re going to end up on NBC News trying to tell the world that werewolves and vampires are real. Gah, that sounds like a skit from SNL. Grey alien talking about werewolves on the nightly news.
Okay, Sam. Serious face. It’s time for space piracy.
Kingsley and I, with the group tailing behind, hurry around the corner at the first opening on the right leading toward the ship’s interior. Yes, Kingsley is still very much naked... and a bit distracting.
Two bright red globs of plasma come flying at us. Kingsley insisted on being first and I’m right behind him. Unlike lasers, which appear instantaneously, these energy weapons have a fairly slow flight speed. Slow to me, that is. Feels like I’m trying to dodge a thrown baseball lit on fire. They’re not as fast as conventional bullets but still energetic enough to make me sweat the effort of getting out of the way. A professional boxer could probably dodge them as well.
