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I sway back and forth in the living room, feeling Millie slide her hands up and down my body. I groan, trying to keep myself upright, but I think I might vomit. My stomach wretches and I stumble out of the room, pushing my way through the crowd until I’m running inside the kitchen, vomiting my insides into a sink.
Gasping, I wash it down the sink before chugging several gulps of water. I feel hands at my back, and assuming it’s Millie, I bat the hands away, not wanting her to touch me any longer.
“Stop,” I murmur, turning to the person and finding Drew.
“You are all sorts of messed up,” he says with a smile.
“I should get home,” I say, already looking for an exit.
“Here,” says Drew while handing a beer to me. “Just have another drink with us.” He gives me a wink and taps his cup against mine.
I sigh, and quickly down the contents before following him back into the living room. The music has changed into something pop-y and several girls are on the floor with their hands in the air. I sway to the beat, closing my eyes and feeling like I’m in my own little world. I try not to think about Rachel, about the bros, and my mom in the hospital. I try to be present and enjoy the now.
As I move something comes over me, something soothing and my heart flutters, feeling as if I am one with this song. I feel as if I am flying, or orgasming. My skin tingles with a strange sensation, like I’m hot and cold at the same time. Everything feels so wonderful.
My lips twitch upwards and I raise my hands up, feeling incredible joy spreading through me. Someone is grinding against me and I open my eyes, seeing Millie grabbing my hands and placing them on her hips. We move as one with the beat. My head lulls from side to side and I feel like I’m swimming.
Drew hands me another beer and I chug it. I’m losing control of time, of my body. I feel giddy, wanting to dance and talk and sit all at once. I ride the waves, sitting on the couch and petting it, allowing the smooth fabric soothe me.
“Hunter, let’s go,” says Millie while trying to drag me away.
I shake my head. “I don’t want to,” I say quickly. Each breath I take it feels as if I am plunging myself into ecstasy. I feel wonderful. Life is wonderful, beautiful, and I never want to be rid of this sensation.
“Hunter, please,” says Millie while tugging on me again.
“Millie, I don’t want to fuck you.” I tug her back to the couch. My teeth grind together. I can’t stop myself from smiling. “Do you want to talk? I can tell you so much. Like about Rachel and how beautiful she is, or about Seth and how much of an idiot he can be.”
Millie glares at me, tears brimming her eyes. “No, I don’t want to talk about Rachel, you idiot! I want to fuck you.”
I shake my head, the sensation feeling absolutely wonderful. “No, let’s not,” I say simply. “Let’s dance!” I bound from the sofa and sprint to the middle of the living room where five people are still dancing.
Millie smacks the couch and stalks away, but I’m too happy to care. All I want to do is dance. My mother flashes into my mind and I groan, rubbing my eyes and frowning. I shake it away and listening to the music, jumping up and down in time with the beat. The music has changed into rock music. I laugh while shoving my shoulders against someone. Someone shoves themselves against me and we continue moshing for I don’t know how long.
I don’t know where I get more beer, but within a blink of an eye it’s in my hand. It disappears just as quickly. Things happen in flashes, my mind no longer able to process everything. My heart beats rapidly and I press my hand against it, worried I’m going to have a heart attack.
Nevertheless, when Drew and Jerry go to the bathroom, I follow them.
And I sniff everything they give me.
There is more dancing and more drinking and I don’t know how long it’s been since Millie left me.
I blink, feeling sharp rays burst in from the window.
Why is it so sunny? I wonder while staring at my hands.
I blink again and we’re in the bathroom, snorting powder off the toilet.
I stumble onto a couch and pass out. When I open my eyes Drew is saying something to me while Jerry is beating someone into a pulp.
I can’t make sense of Drew’s words.
I can’t make sense of anything.
I slowly slip on the couch, resting my head against the cushions while Drew continues to say something to me, his voice sounding distant.
I blink, but this time my eyes don’t open.
The shadows suck me deep inside their embrace.
