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Rachel helps me the rest of the way up while Seth digs through my pile of clothes, finding a reasonably clean black t-shirt and some black sweatpants. I inhale deeply while pulling the shirt over my head, trying not to cry out in pain.
“Can I just borrow someone’s phone real quick,” I say while pulling on my pants.
Everyone pauses, as if time suddenly stopped. Their gazes turn to me, looking worried and horrified. “What?” I murmur while looking round at everyone. “What is it?”
Rachel looks at Seth and Lucas. I watch as the boys shake their head. Rachel’s gaze dips to the floor while Seth turns to me. “Who do you want to call?” he asks slowly.
My stomach twists and my heart slows. The hair on the back of my neck rises and I feel like I might faint or vomit. Something isn’t right. The way they are staring at me isn’t right. I don’t even want to ask what it’s about.
This can’t be about coach or the team.
My mouth feels dry, and it’s difficult to swallow; difficult to form words. I open my mouth, trying to say something, but it comes out as a raspy breath, “Mom.”
Rachel doesn’t look at me. Seth nods while Lucas sighs and turns around, unable to face me. I think I’m about to be sick. I force a smile, knowing whatever they are thinking, it can’t be true. I hold out my hand, my lips trembling while tears come to my eyes. I quickly blink them away. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
“So,” I say shakily, “can I use the phone? She’ll probably want to…” Words drift away as I continue staring at them. Tears stream down my cheeks when no one reaches for their phone. Rachel lifts her gaze to mine and I see tears stream down her cheeks. Lucas leans against a wall, still facing away from me while Seth takes one step towards me.
“What’s going on?” I ask while stepping away from him.
Seth holds up his hands. “Hunter, it’s ok. Let me just-”
“Don’t touch me!” I shout while stepping around him. “Just let me have your phone!”
Seth shakes his head. “I-” He sighs, his shoulders dropping. “I can’t Hunter.”
“Why not?” I cry. I wipe away the tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m trying so desperately to hang on, to be a man. I can’t believe I’m crying like this, being so weak in front of my bros. I shouldn’t be acting like this. I’m supposed to be strong and here I am crying like a child.
Lucas slowly turns around. The anger in his gaze is gone, and he looks at me with anguish. “Hunter-” he starts.
“No!” I shout while swiping an arm out, trying to keep them away from me. “I want to call my mom. Give me the phone. Now!”
Rachel lunges for me, wrapping her arms tightly around my waist and burying her face into my chest. “You can’t call your mom,” she sobs. “She’s dead.” She lifts her tearful eyes up to me. “She died Saturday night, Hunter.”
My eyes widen and I feel my body going limp as I remember receiving my father’s call. I threw my phone into the snow when he had been calling to tell me about Mom. While I was out getting fucked up, my mom died.
I hadn’t been there for her.
I hadn’t been there at all.
I fall to my knees and cover my face with my hands, sobbing into them everything I’ve felt up to this point; the anger, the hurt, the disappointment, the pain. Everything.
I feel Rachel’s arms come around me. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers into my ear.
I inhale deeply, trying to calm myself, but I can’t seem to stop crying. I feel like a dam that’s finally been released and there’s nothing to do, but wait out the storm. More hands touch and surround me and I lift my head, finding Seth and Lucas also hugging me.
“It’s going to be alright,” says Seth. “You have us.”
“You just need to talk to us,” says Lucas. “We’ll be there for you. We’ve always had your back.”
I sniff and wipe my eyes while pulling away from them. “I haven’t been doing well,” I sob.
“We can tell,” says Seth while patting my back.
“The cancer came back and my shoulder wasn’t getting better,” I take a deep breath as another sob threatens to escape from me. “I kinda lost it.”
Rachel strokes my hair and my gaze locks with hers. I bit my bottom lip to keep it from trembling, but I still feel as if I’m breaking from inside out. “I’m so sorry,” I whimper as I look at her. “I was so terrible to you and you were so good to me.”
“Hunter, it’s alright,” says Rachel while pulling me to her. “I forgive you.”
I nod against her and feel more arms pulling at me. Looking up, I see its Lucas. “We really need to get you to a hospital,” he says while helping me up. “And afterwards, I’ll introduce you to a therapist that can help.”
I nod, allowing Seth, Lucas, and Rachel to help me out and into the car, feeling like the world is breaking and mending all at the same time.
