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Thankfully, Rachel waits at the end of the long hall leading into the airplane. Staring at her ticket, she mumbles, “What seat are you?”
“11B,” I answer immediately.
She nods. “I’m 11A.”
Perfect, I think while placing my hand on her elbow and guiding her into the airplane. At least she won’t have to sit next to Alex and Seth and listen to whatever stupid ass excuse they have for revealing her secret.
We find our seats easily. Rachel doesn’t look at me. Her attentions are focused on the window. I watch as her fingers pick at each other, something she usually does when she’s thinking about something foul. I lift my hand, going to grab her hand and lace my fingers with hers, but her question stops me.
“What are we going to do, Hunter?”
My brows tent. “What do you mean?” It’s a stupid question. I know exactly what she’s talking about, but feigning stupidity is easier than having this discussion.
She continues staring out the window, which only worries me even more. “About this semester. And after.”
I sigh, lowering my hand and turning my gaze to my lap. “Are you sure you want to have this discussion now? Today has already been quite… difficult.”
I glance in her direction, watching her slowly nod. “Yes,” she whispers with a sniff. “I want to have it now. Might as well get it done and over with. This day already sucks royally.”
I stifle a groan building in my throat. Now is really not the time to be discussing this. I don’t want to make her anymore upset than she already is. I hate seeing her cry, hate being the reason for it. She finally turns toward me, her eyes bloodshot and already welling with tears.
Fuck.
I inhale deeply, trying to calm my racing heart to no avail. With that one look, she has me questioning everything. Is becoming an NFL player really worth it? It doesn’t even matter if I’m playing with the Bears or Buffalo. Being a football player means flying all around the country, strict schedules, and even more tedious training. Is this what I really want?
Yes. It’s what I’ve dreamed of since I was a little boy holding my first football. Thinking back to all those years before, when Mom was still alive and Dad was young and lively, playing football was like breathing. It was a part of me.
But so is Rachel.
“What do you want to do?” I ask, my tongue feeling numb in my mouth, struggling to form the words.
Her bottom lip trembles, and I instantly regret my words. Was I already supposed to have a plan in mind? I have no clue what to do, only that I don’t want to hurt Rachel, but I also don’t want to lose her. I feel as if those two things are impossible to avoid at this moment.
“I don’t know,” she says shakily. “Long distance is hard.”
I nod. “It is.”
Rachel chuckles, yet there is no joy in her tone. “In fact, I think it might be impossible.”
“Buckle your seatbelt,” says a passing flight attendant in an overly cheerful tone. She looks between us curiously for a brief moment before continuing down the narrow passageway.
I glance over my shoulder, watching the flight attendant leave while I reach for my seatbelt, looking around aimlessly for Lucas, Seth, and Alex. My eyes narrow as I spot Alex poking his head out in the aisle, twiddling his fingers for a moment with an awkward grin on his lips. My eyes slide to Seth, sitting next to him and facing the window with a pair of AirPods in his ears. I don’t see Lucas, but he must have dumped those two in their seats before taking his. Hopefully, for his sake, he’s positioned far away from them. I can just hear them fighting the whole flight, despite having an audience to watch and overhear them.
“Rachel,” I start while turning around, taking a moment to buckle my seatbelt so I don’t get scolded by the flight attendant. “Why don’t we just focus on enjoying these last five months together?”
Rachel frowns. I can tell she has more to say, but I’m not ready to hear it. I force a smile and take both of her hands, lacing my fingers with hers. My smile turns genuine as I watch the tension in her shoulders relax while I press my lips against her knuckles. Her skin is smooth and cool. Her grasp tightens in mine and I feel my heart swelling with a mixture of pain and love. I don’t know if I can leave her. I know I have to, but I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to do it.
“We can go on dates,” I continue. “We can do some hiking over the weekend, get coffee, enjoy our time together as much as possible.”
She nods as she inhales a shuddering breath. “But what about after?”
“Let’s worry about that later,” I rush out. “We have plenty of time to discuss what happens later. Let’s enjoy the now.”
Rachel stares at me, a hint of worry in her gaze. For a moment, I think she’s going to push the issue. I stifle my sigh of relief when she nods. She closes the little distance between us and leans her head on my shoulder, nuzzling into my large bicep. I wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer, enjoying her warmth and the feeling of her body against mine. However, I can’t stop the twinge of pain stabbing through me, sucking all the air out of me, knowing in the end we will have to break up. Either in May or later. It’s inevitable.
With that last thought on the matter, the airplane moves forward, and I lean back in my chair. Looking out the window, I watch the houses and trees we pass, the aircraft moving faster as we lift into the air. My stomach lurches, and I grimace. I’ve always hated flying. I hate the feeling of not being in control, the feeling that at any point, we can crash and burn. That’s how I feel now in my relationship with Rachel. So many factors are up in the air right now, and I don’t even think I have the energy or the capacity to think of how to solve all the issues threatening to surface in the future.
When the seatbelt sign dings off, I unbuckle myself and swiftly walk down the aisle. I need water, or something to wash my face with. I feel so hot. My whole body won’t stop shaking. It’s difficult to breathe, as if I’m panicking, but why? Am I that worried about my relationship with Rachel? Am I really that weak?
