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SETH
Mywholebodyquivers as I run down the sidewalk. I can see the art building at of the corner of my eye, and the communications building in front of me. My goal is to make it to the track field and then back. I do this route every day, and every day I try to run faster, beat my score. One of these days, I will ask Alex to race against me. And then we will see who is the better runner.
My lungs burn. My muscles ache. My stomach twists in pain, but I push myself, knowing the pain will only make me stronger. I have to keep going. I have to work harder if I’m going to beat Alex, if I’m going to make it to the top. Spots dot my vision and my head swims. I’m feeling dizzy as my stomach gurgles, demanding I finally feed it.
Just a bit more.
I don’t need to eat now. Food will weigh me down, make me sluggish. If I want to fly, I need to be as thin as possible.
I gasp, my feet slipping on the ice. I plant my foot, the other sliding while I wobble, refusing to fall. I can’t break something again. I lean forward, bracing my hands on my knees. My breath comes in gasps, my body trembles uncontrollably despite my flushed cheeks and the sweat dripping down the side of my face. My hands clutch my knees as I stare at the snow covered pavement, blurring in and out. I feel myself tilting forward, but I stop myself from falling forward.
Straightening myself, I wipe the sweat from my brow and inhale deeply. My hands can’t seem to stop shaking. I look around at the snow, at the mountains in the distance. The clouds are hanging low, covering the peaks. I can only see the outline of snow covered trees covering the mountains’ base. It’s still beautiful.
My stomach twists and my hands clutch at it. I grind my teeth, fighting the need to eat as I slowly walk through campus, back toward home. I’m such an idiot. A useless, fucking idiot. I should be able to run back home. I’ve done this route hundreds of times before. My stupid body is fighting against me. It’s like it doesn’t want to see me succeed.
The wind gusts pass, rattling my bones and chilling my skin. I try to walk faster, but my legs feel sluggish. I groan as another wave of dizziness hits me, my vision weaving in and out of darkness. I can do this, I tell myself. I can make it home.
It takes me a very long fifteen-minute walk until I am finally at the base of the staircase leading upwards, toward my apartment. I stare up the steps, my hand gripping the metal banister. I don’t know if I can do this. My whole body quivers, demanding I sit down. My hand on the banister tightens as I take one step up, followed by another. My body fights me and I find myself leaning against the metal as I pull my body up, my arms aching with the force.
I can do this.
When I finally make it to the top, I shove the door open with my shoulder. My stomach growls angrily at the smell of eggs frying in a pan. Lucas hovers over the stove, a skillet in his hand, a cup of coffee on the counter. My hands tremble as I kick the door close. My mouth salivates.
I’m so hungry I could lick the simmering skillet right now.
Lucas turns to me, his brows tenting as he looks me up and down. My pants are a bit baggier on me these days. I’m wearing a hoodie under my runner’s jacket, something I couldn’t do a month ago.
“Hey,” he says, his frown deepening. “Done with your run?”
I nod curtly while kicking off my shoes. I pad over to the sink, filling an empty glass with water and chugging it quickly. My eyes slide to the eggs on the pan. Eat it, my stomach whispers to me. You know you want to.
I chug another glass of water, and then another. I drink until my stomach is no longer twisting and the gurgles inside completely silence. But my eyes still watch the food on Lucas’s pan.
“You okay?” Lucas asks, looking me up and down. “You’re looking a little ill these days.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m fine.”
“You can borrow my coat, you know.”
Ugh. Will everyone please stop pestering me? First, Alex, now Lucas. I don’t need everyone clothing me. I can take care of myself. I force a smile, not wanting to draw even more attention to myself. “Yeah, I know,” I say simply, hoping Lucas drops the matter.
“You want some?” Lucas asks while gesturing to the eggs.
I chuckle and slam the glass on the counter, slowly backing away. My body, once again, fights me. “No, no. I need to take a shower. I smell like shit.” I sniff my jacket, trying to emphasize my point, but all I can smell is egg rather than my own stink.
Lucas shrugs. “Alright. If you say so.”
I watch him turn off the stove, watch him place the eggs on some toast with a bit of avocado. My tongue licks my lips as he shoves the food into his mouth, my tongue wishing to taste something other than water. My ears twitch at the sound of chewing and all I can think about is the hunger twisting inside me.
My hands fist and I turn on my heel, quickly stalking down the hall before I can do something stupid. I unzip my jacket and throw it on the ground, followed by my hoodie, and my t-shirt. I throw open the door and slam it close, locking it into place before pulling down my running pants and boxers. My eyes search for the scale, my hands seizing it and pulling it out from underneath the sink.
These days I feel like the scale is my fix, beckoning me every morning and night and often, during the day. I can hear its call when I’m in class, when I’m in the gym. It’s constantly taunting me, demanding I step onto it and find out if today will be a good day, or a bad day. I stare down at it, my brows tenting with worry, wondering what it will tell me, but I have to know.
I have to beat Alex. I have to be the best.
Closing my eyes, I step onto the scale, counting down from ten. I open one eye, then the other, my heart plummeting into my stomach as I see that I’ve gained a pound. But why? I have hardly eaten a thing? I’ve been running as much as possible. I’ve cut back on my drinking. I’ve been treating my body the best I can.
So why have a gained weight?
I step off, shaking my head and wondering if it’s a fluke. There’s no way I could have gained weight. It’s just not possible. My gaze flicks to my reflection in the mirror and I wince, finding my face slightly gaunt. Dark circles surround my eyes. I can see my ribs. I’m sporting abs, yet they don’t look as nice, like on Hunter and Lucas. I look too thin. I know I look too thin.
So, why do I like it?
I step onto the scale once more, my frown deepening when I see that the number doesn’t change. I know I’ve lost nearly fifteen pounds since the new semester started, yet I can’t help the disappointment seeping in. I turn on the shower, waiting outside for the water to get warm. My mind is already searching for a way to lose that pound, to lose even more. I’ll need to cut back more. No bread. No more parties at all. Not even vodka shots. I’ll need to up my running regime. Maybe I can cut a class.
I step inside the shower, my muscles relaxing as I feel the warm droplets hitting my skin. I groan and press my head against the wall, standing there. My body still won’t stop shivering. It’s like I will never be warm again. I groan while pressing my forehead harder against the wall, my hands holding onto it as my vision, once again, weaves in and out of darkness. My stomach twists, my fingers dig into the wall. Something is wrong, but I don’t know what. My knees are buckling, my vision is going completely black.
I blink my eyes, willing the light to come back, but it’s not. My head is spinning. I gasp, my body falling. I have no control of it. I slam into something, pain pierces my head. There’s a ringing in my ears. I gasp, but no sound comes out. The water continues spraying on me, but still I can’t see. I groan as the darkness completely takes me, until my eyes finally close.
And all I have are my dreams to haunt me.
