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I shake my head, not trusting my voice. I honestly have no clue what to tell Dr. Forrester and I worry what will come out if I open my mouth. I don’t understand what’s going on with me. It’s not like I’ve ever been interested in men before.
“And what about your girlfriend?”
I shrug. “What about her?”
“Have you spoken with her at all about this?”
My eyes widen and my stomach twists at the mere thought of Rachel. “No,” I breathe, imagining the pain in her eyes, her eyes glimmering with unshed tears as I told her about my thoughts, my growing feelings for Alex. “I could never.”
“You think she would be upset?”
“I—” I begin, my brows furrowing as I think of Hunter, Seth, and Alex. We’ve all been in bed together. It’s not like I haven’t seen any of them naked; not like I haven’t seen them all having their way with Rachel. How would she feel if I told her I wanted to kiss Alex? Or at least attempt to tell him of my feelings? Would she really be upset? I run a hand through my hair, my fingers trembling as I try to calm my racing heart. “I-I don’t know,” I finally say.
“Oh?” Dr. Forrester’s tone is filled with intrigue and I feel a tinge of worry seep through me, wondering if she will ask me to explain my thoughts, explain my relationship with Rachel. It’s not like Rachel and I have a normal relationship. Some may view it… as very strange, and may not even accept it.
“Why do you say that?” Dr. Forrester asks.
I release a long sigh, not knowing at all where to begin. Maybe I don’t need to tell her about everything. Dr. Forrester doesn’t need to know about how Rachel and I got together or how many partners we share together. Maybe just stating the facts as simply as possible will be enough.
“Rachel and I, when we have sex, sometimes it’s not just us. Sometimes we have others join us.”
“And are any of them men?”
I nod. “We’re safe,” I rush out when her mouth opens, worried she’s about to give me a lecture about STDs and pregnancy.
Dr. Forrester smiles at me. “There’s nothing wrong with experimentation, Seth. It’s great that both of you are practicing safe sex and that you are able to be so open with each other about your needs. You’re doing better than most who walk through my door.” Her head tilts and I get the strange feeling she’s going to give me something to work on between now and our next meeting. “Now if only you could be more open about your feelings.”
Yep. Work. This is going to be my homework for the next week. Fucking wonderful. I struggle to keep my eyes from rolling. It’s a struggle indeed.
“You should speak to your girlfriend about how you feel. Tell her that you would like to pursue a relationship with Alex.”
“But I love her,” I nearly shout, my hands grasping the couch to keep myself from jumping up.
Dr. Forrester nods. “Then tell her that. You’re not the first ménage à trois and I doubt you will be the last. Trust and communication are the foundations for a happy relationship.”
This time I groan. “Can we talk about something else?” I grimace at the clock, noticing we have a half hour before my appointment ends. “Anything else?”
Dr. Forrester nods. “Of course, Seth, but don’t think you can just brush this all under the rug and hope it goes away.”
“I know,” I grumble, my fingers sinking further into the couch cushions. “I’ll talk to Rachel about it,” I add resolutely. “I just… can’t think about this now.”
Dr. Forrester nods as she rifles through her notes on the desk. I know she’s right. I need to talk to Rachel about this before it comes out in other more harmful ways. Already the stress is eating away at me, and I’ve been skipping meals left and right. None of that is helpful in the long run. And sure, Alex might go away. I may never tell him of my feelings, but what if I meet another guy just as aggravating and charming? What if I never learn how to convey my feelings to Rachel and I end up hurting her? I don’t think I would ever forgive myself. I should tell her. Tonight? Tomorrow? It needs to be soon, before I chicken out.
Chapter 16
RACHEL
Iwinceassomethingsharp presses into my foot. A girl giggles as she shoves past me and I bite my tongue to keep from yelling at her. She’s already drunk at nine in the evening. Of course she doesn’t realize she slammed her stiletto heel onto my sneaker. That’s going to leave a bruise tomorrow. I feel something ramming into my side and see it’s the elbow of some jock chasing the girl outside. I nearly topple over, but thankfully Seth grabs me and pulls me close, wrapping his arm around my shoulders while Alex leads the way inside. Lucas is at the café, unable to join us.
Seth’s fingers dig into my arm as if he’s clutching onto me, worried I will get lost in the sea of people shoving themselves inside Mike’s house. I have no clue how one person can know this many people, but it’s always the same. Except, I don’t see Mike anywhere. Usually he’s grabbing Seth and shoving him in front of the beer keg or leaning on a girl to support him. I can’t find his reddened face anywhere.
I glance up at Seth and frown at the worried look on his face. He’s been acting weird since he returned from his therapy appointment. No. That’s not right. He’s been acting weird since the school year began and I feel like I haven’t been able to say anything for fear he will fall off the deep end again and return to over exercising and starving himself. It’s getting hard keeping my mouth shut, especially when I already feel so low with Hunter being in another state and Lucas always at work. I feel like we are breaking apart, like we will never be the same and I hate it. I want everything to stop. I want everything to stop changing. For once, can’t everything stay perfect, happy, carefree?
“Hey!” Alex shouts while taking my hand and pulling me into a corner. Seth and Alex surround me, guarding me from the crowd of people stumbling through the narrow hallway. “I’m going to get us drinks!”
Great, because I need one if I plan on staying. “Thanks!” I shout instead, forcing a smile while Alex looks for a way to enter the traffic jam of people. I watch him push his way toward the kitchen, wondering if he will be able to find us again.
Seth leans close to me, his hand pressed against the wall near my face. His face hovers slightly above mine, his breath tickling my skin. He brushes my hair away from my face and I lean into the touch, only now realizing it’s been a very long time since I’ve been this close to him. My face heats at the feeling of his lips brushing against the shell of my ear.
