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Should I feel jealous? Worried? I’m not so sure, I decide while watching Seth take a very long drink from his cup. Has he told Alex about his feelings? At the thought of Alex, I feel his arm come around my shoulders. There’s a sly tilt of his lips, a twinkle in his eye as he looks at me. I’m going to say no. He has no clue that Seth has a little crush on him.
“So, what have we been talking about?” Alex asks, his smile growing as he pulls me closer to his side. “Me?”
Most definitely.
“Among other things,” I say teasingly.
Seth downs the rest of his drink and throws it into the grass. “It’s freaking cold out here,” he mutters while pushing past us and toward the door.
“Well, that wasn’t my call!” Alex shouts after him while following after Seth. “You guys are the ones who wanted to go outside in the middle of November.”
Seth doesn't say anything and I suppose Alex doesn’t care all that much as he drags me back inside the overcrowded, stuffy house. The music is blasting in the living room and I see a group of people dancing near the speakers and on the couch. Seth props himself against the wall while Alex pulls me into the dance party, spinning me around like we are a couple of swing dancers in the midst of people grinding and twerking. I laugh as he continues spinning me around, but my smile dips when I notice Seth’s pained look and the way he can’t bear to look at us.
Is Alex’s relationship with me hurting Seth?
“Fuck,” I mutter in my spin, slowing down and sliding my hand out of his grip.
I rush to Seth and grab his hand, pulling him with us. I hear him shouting, but I’m unable to hear his words over the roar of music and people shouting around us. All I can do is put on a wide smile and bump my hip against his, hoping he gets the hint. Alex doesn’t seem to notice Seth’s mood, or maybe he’s just used to it. He continues waving his hands around, dancing like he has no care in the world while Seth bites his lip, his eyebrow twitching as he tries not to laugh at how ridiculous Alex looks.
Seth begins moving to the music, swaying back and forth, looking like he has no clue how to dance, but is trying his best. I don’t think he’s drunk enough. He flinches when Alex rubs his shoulder against him and I notice the way his face turns bright red at the touch.
What am I going to do with the both of them? I wish there was some advice I could offer Seth. I wish we had more time to talk. I want to know if he wants to pursue something with Alex, and if he wants to continue being with me. I don’t think I would mind sharing him with Alex, so long as I don’t lose them. I love both of them so much, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel like I am being left behind. Hunter still hasn’t messaged me back. Who knows if he will. Lucas is working all the time. Charlie has a new secret boyfriend and ignores me like the plague. Hell, even my parents have moved on. My dad has his new place. My mom has her new life away from him. And here I am, caught in the middle.
Where do I even fit in? Do I even have a place amongst these people anymore? I want to be there for Seth, but I don’t know if I can be. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that I am this selfish, annoying person who can’t seem to let go.
It’s too hot in here, again. I turn on my heel, not looking around me as I stalk through the crowd, pushing my way to the stairs, knowing there will be a room upstairs for me to hide out in. I hear some shouts to my right and a girl yelling, “Hey!” as I practically ram into her. I should apologize, but I don’t. I’m just about to run up the stairs when I feel a hand on my shoulder.
I whirl around, finding Seth right behind me, his brows tented in concern. “Are you all right?” he asks.
I wince, not knowing how to answer that question. I want to tell him yes, but I don’t think I can. If I tell him no, he’s going to immediately assume it’s about his sexuality, which isn’t necessarily the case. It’s everything. It’s my fucked up life and how Hunter won’t text me back and Charlie doesn’t care, and how my parents want to use me as a pawn in their divorce.
With a very long sigh, I say, “I need some peace and quiet right now, Seth.”
“Alone?”
I nod and my heart pulls at Seth’s grimace.
“Is it because of what I said?” Seth asks, his hand grabbing mine. “I don’t want you to think I don’t care for you, Rachel, because I do. I care for you so much. Please, don’t think—”
He stops at the shake of my head. “It’s fine, Seth. It’s not you. It’s been a hard few months with Hunter being gone and my parents’ divorce. I just want to be alone.”
Seth nods while releasing my hand, and I continue by myself up the steps, holding back the sobs clawing their way up and blinking away the tears threatening to fall. It’s quiet when I make it to the landing. I can still hear everyone’s shouting and the bass playing in the living room, but at least I can hear myself think better.
Without knocking, I push the door open to the first room on my left, pausing in the doorway, my heart dropping to my feet, as I watch Mike on the bed, legs wrapped around his waist as he thrusts into someone. His jeans are tangled around his feet, his boxers hanging around his knees, his bare ass facing me while the girl he’s fucking moans beneath him.
I don’t know whether to laugh or scream. I guess this explains where Mike has been the whole night. My eyes widen when I see the girl he’s with, her eyes meeting mine, a gasp escaping her as her hands smack Mike’s shoulder.
“Get off me!” Charlie shouts while unwrapping her legs from Mike’s waist. “Rachel is here, you fucking idiot.”
“Huh?” Mike glances over his shoulder, his gaze lust-filled, his face flushed.
His eyes flutter as he realizes who he’s staring at and he scrambles away from Charlie, tripping over his own jeans and falling onto the floor. I avert my eyes, saving them from seeing something I definitely don’t want to see while I hear Charlie zipping her pants. There’s a very loud thud and I don’t dare look to see if it’s Charlie on the floor now, or if it’s Mike still tripping over himself. Turning on my heel, I make a dash of the stairs, hoping to forget ever seeing this.
“Rachel!” Charlie shouts from behind me, my name echoing in the hallway, but I don’t stop. I need to get out of here. I don’t even know what I can tell her, but all I feel is anger that she’s kept this from me. And I don’t even understand why I’m angry with her. It’s stupid. I’m being absolutely stupid.
“Rachel! Stop!”
Charlie grabs my hand and I’m suddenly being pulled away from the stairs and back up the landing. She grabs my shoulders, looking me square in the eye. I’ve never seen her hair look this messy in my life. She’s tried to tame the locks by pushing them behind her ears, but it’s not working and her bright red lipstick is smeared onto her cheek.
